My Husband No Longer Wants To Be Intimate Due To My Ptsd

[Renestel]

I'm new on here and tried to search pages of threads and couldn't find something specifically on this problem--

I was diagnosed with complex sexual trauma PTSD last November, I have pretty much been through it all and bottled it up until a few years ago-molestation at 12, rape in college, several sexual attacks, mental and sexual abuse, the list goes on. I've been with my husband for 10 years, and when I met him I was in that mode of burying my trauma, being incredibly sexually active while I would just mentally turn it all off. Now that I've turned it on, about half of the time we try (which is way less now), I flashback or go to a bad place and I start sobbing. He's had to deal with this for 2-3 years now. He's in turn shut off his libido, and on the weeks that I'm doing better and ask him to, he is now rejecting me. It is causing us both a ton of pain. Has anyone been through this and has something that helped? Talking isn't doing anything.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Renestel,

Now that I've turned it on, about half of the time we try (which is way less now), I flashback or go to a bad place and I start sobbing. He's had to deal with this for 2-3 years now.

I can only speak for myself, as to how I might feel if this happened to me. Even though you are initiating the intimacy, I'm sure in his mind he's fearful that it is going to end the same way. Sobbing, flashbacks, etc. Imagine what that does to him to see you go through that. It's probably terrifying to him to think he's triggering you like that. Do you go to therapy? I only ask because maybe you guys could go to some sessions together to work this out since talking together alone hasn't worked. Just a thought if he's willing. I sure hope things get better for you. Hang in there, and welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Renestel]

@Renestel,
I can only speak for myself, as to how I might feel if this happened to me. Even though...

Thanks for replying- To answer your question, I was going to therapy, I was seeing a trauma specialist for @7 months and then got a letter from insurance telling us they were not covering any of the therapy- so I stopped going to see her after we talked about it. I definately agree that it is important to get us both in there and he needs to try to better understand where I am coming from and I need to better understand where he is coming from when things happen.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

My husband and I are much the same; when we met I was very sexual and had not really dealt with the trauma, once it was addressed our sex life went downhill. We have been together for about 12 years, and while it is not like it was when we first met, it is much better. We only have sex when I initiate for the most part because he got tired of being rejected. I also attended counseling and a sexual assault support group, which helped. What helped us the most though, was when I stopped trying to have sex just to please him. It didn't work, he could tell that I wasn't into it, and I was being dishonest by trying to force something I wasn't feeling. Not saying you do this, I just felt sort of obligated and wanted to connect with him the way we used to. After a few times of having to stop in the middle because I changed my mind some of my fear went away, and he knows that I will be honest with him, too.
The counseling and group I went to was at a women's center, it was free and my husband even went for a few sessions on his own, very helpful. Hope things improve for you.

 

[PTSDPunchbag]

@Renestel,
I can only speak for myself, as to how I might feel if this happened to me. Even though...

I am the partner of a PTSD Sufferer.
She has been abandoned by her father at 8, raised by a mother who immediately suffered a breakdown & was sectioned, following this she entered into a violent relationship & became the victim of severe domestic abuse.

When we met she was kicking this away, things were great. Now that it's all been coming out it is very difficult to deal with (for both of us!)

She has no issues with sex as you describe for yourself. However, living with a PTSD sufferer has caused a distance between us, all the standard symptoms (anger, defensiveness, sensitivity, shutting out - you name it) are all no doubt very difficult for her or any one else to deal with. From my perspective however it is equally as difficult, I never know where I stand, I can not ever address any issue that concerns me & I go to bed at night just hoping that she is not 'in the mood' - of course I still love her (or at least I love what she was).
But I feel so detatched, undervalued, voiceless & live in a manner that contradicts all my values (eg housekeeping, parenting & arguing in front of kids) to such an extent that my libido has completely shut down -
To ask me to switch it back on for now would be like asking her to just ignore her symptoms. The sense of rejection this leaves her with only serves to exacerbate the problem

I can sympathise with your fella, don't beat yourself up about it, but know that he's not the only one who responds like this - theres never just one person suffering PTSD, it takes its pound of flesh out of everyone involved.
Just communicate with him as much as you can with everything going on in your head, discuss it as an illness just as you would if it were cancer or MS.

That's the best I've got to offer I'm afraid !

 

[Renestel]

I am the partner of a PTSD Sufferer.
She has been abandoned by her father at 8, raised by a mother who immediately...

Thanks to you two as well for responding- two different places and I appreciate both responses. I have been interested in getting into groups but unemployed until I get this more under control so thanks for the suggestion on looking at women's centers. Also, for the male response, I thank you as well, I do realize/see how much I've stripped of him and it makes me feel so awful I feel like taking my life sometimes. Your name says everything in itself. PTSD punching bag. All I can do is try and turn all that emotion into trying to make progress every day for the TWO of us. Even if a sexless marriage feels like we are crashing into pieces or not.

 

[Renestel]

I am the partner of a PTSD Sufferer.
She has been abandoned by her father at 8, raised by a mother who immediately...

I felt like I needed to add on that I totally understand why women with PTSD will attempt to be intimate when they are just plain trying to please their partner or ignore that voice that says... Mmmm... This round isn't gonna go well.... While I used to, I don't anymore because it hurt me and in turn him. But I guess I felt any sex, which would be when I was ready, was better than none which is what we have now. But your explanation helped me understand a little. I do want to say though that we are in a situation where I feel is a little more rare. Yes I don't work. That's my one gift from him. But to be married, and have him travel 50%, and whether he is home or not, I have responsibility of the pets, errands, ALL cooking, ALL cleaning, 90% of yard work, shoveling snow, cleaning fish ponds, fixing garbage disposals- I have NOT handed my husband all responsibilities.

That's why I guess In a way I feel like I'm being punished with no sex sometimes. He expects so much out of me good day or bad day. While I feel like you are right that with dealing with how he has to be careful with words, disagreements, deal with the fact that I've broken things in the house in enraged trigger fits- but I also feel like sex has felt like the one thing he can control and hurt me with because I hurt him emotionally at times.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Renestel,

I do realize/see how much I've stripped of him and it makes me feel so awful I feel like taking my life sometimes

Please DON'T ever feel / think this way, even though I understand sometimes it's hard not to. Your life is worth as much as anyone else's here on this planet. The world would have a hole in it without your presence. You are a beautiful person and I hope and pay you are around for a very long time! Hang in there, things will get better. ♡ :hug:

 

[Renestel]

@Renestel,
Please DON'T ever feel / think this way, even though I understand sometimes it's hard not...

Thank YOU! you have all been so welcoming. Definately going to sign up, because while it's nice a. knowing we aren't alone when we SO feel like it, but b. to be able to get help and support when we need it and c. give back to the community because I always believe life is a give and take balance. I already love this site/forum because I feel it provides a lot of help and support to something like PTSD which is very complex, sensitive and often hidden within.