Accepting Gifts From "family"

[Broken Dahlia]

My husband went to his father's house this weekend for his grandmother's funeral; called this morning and said that his father and stepmother offered to give us one of their old cars that they don't need. We do need a car, desperately, so I said to tell them thank you. Then he told me that he argued with his stepmother about me last night- she was drunk as usual and told him that I "just need to get over it." I told him to ask the expert "HOW?" I also told him that I don't want any more crumbs from people who don't give a damn about me and have made my recovery harder with their thoughtless words, even if that crumb is a car. He agreed, said he doesn't really want any more hand-me-downs either. I have been having palpitations all weekend, things have been bad lately, no it is not my heart, just my panic.
Is it dumb or short-sighted to not accept the car? Gifts from our families tend to have strings attached; even if it is their trash it seems to turn to treasure as soon as it is in our possession.
I am hurt, obviously, and part of me doesn't want her to have the chance to feel generous; I want to throw it back in her face. Would you just shut up and take the car, or stick to your values? Is that too black and white, is there a middle ground I can't see right now? Thank you.

 

[Cinnamon4z]

Hi Dahila,

I understand where you are coming from. Dealing with these mental health issues like PTSD, Depression, Panic attacks, etc is very nervewracking and frustrating in itself. one can't simply just pop a pill, do a few push ups and be cured as if it were strictly a physical injury. Many people sadly don't understand that- including family which is the WORST!
I have personally decided to cut ties with close relatives who are wholly not compassionate, nor sensitive and have been super unhelpful in my recovery from my car crash injuries & trauma.
Now I cant say whether you should or shouldn't take the car as everyones situation is different. But if possible, I myself may try to find an alternative and thumb at those who don't support or even recognize my injuries & recovery.
It kinda depends what is of more importance to you, the immediate necessity of either one, and alternatives available.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Hi Dahila,

I understand where you are coming from. Dealing with these mental health issues like PTSD...

Thank you! I know taking the car could be beneficial, but I have managed without one for a while now, and we have been making plans to get our own car repaired. I will just wait a little while longer, and if nothing else will use this as an excuse to not visit them again, at least any time soon. I wish he would cut ties with his family- they have been pretty awful to me, so I just won't go see them anymore to protect myself. I wish they saw me as a real human being, deserving of compassion, but that is never going to happen. Thanks again!

 

[Cinnamon4z]

Dahlia -
i don't know about your extended family situation. But the thing is that they actually NEED to truly care- care enough to be willing to read up on the health issue or at least listen. My dad was super thoughtless in his comments and treatments towards me following my car crash where I was rearended. He actually had the nerve to blame me for the crash & my resulting debilitating injuries.
I have told him about my anxiety, fear & ptsd- but to this date he still has yet to even show the slightest hint of compassion or read up on my condition. So I know that he is toxic to my wellbeing and will only further drive me insane. Thats why at least for now, i must cut all communication with him
As i said, i don't know your situation and how your family is like. But if they are really caring, they may at least be willing to listen, read up on the issue, and maybe attend a few NAMI session, etc to be more supportive. But if all they do is make insensitive, stupid and hurtful comments, we can only then severe the ties for our own sanity

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Dahlia -
i don't know about your extended family situation. But the thing is that they actually NEED...

They are not really caring. They think they are, but I was told my miscarriage was "God's will" by my mother-in-law, told to accept my share of blame for being raped by my mother, and my father asked if I would feel guilty if my rapist went to jail when I pressed charges, because he would. So yeah, if this is love I don't want any part of it.
eta I am so sorry you have had to cut your father out, too. This is so hard.

 

[The Albatross]

His family, let him accept the car and let him deal with the strings if any appear. A gift though is a gift and there shouldn't be strings. I think I would question my partner's judgment about sharing his mother's drunk-a-log.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

His family, let him accept the car and let him deal with the strings if any appear. A gift though...

He left without the car, not really rejected, just blown off. There will be strings. Yeah, I wish he hadn't told me, either. He told me because of the car and thought I should know. He said he needs therapy, said he didn't feel safe at his parents' house because of the dysfunction. I asked him not to tell me anything about his family anymore; I don't want to hear about the pregnant cousin that overdosed, it just makes me angry and sad and I can't do anything about it. He has a lot of work to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Under the circumstances that is all for the best. My mister manages his family, I manage mine. We are back to back sometimes berserkers in a dysfunctional familial quagmire. I think I'd refocus on your relationship with your partner.

 

[Friday]

My mom is one of my closest friends... As long as... I don't accept gifts/offers of assistance/ etc.

Family politics. Gifts aren't. They always have strings, and they're more communal property than individual property. (You can never sell them, give them away, etc. without first getting prior approval of everyone who has ever *seen* it, first :rolleyes:, and how you use it is not up to you as, you know, the owner of it. Everyone else has "equal" right to weigh in) But the strings that come attached to gifts and offers of assistance are worse. The so called "right" to blah blah blah blah mild insanity blah blah blah zero boundaries blah blah (Oh FFS!). And those strings? f*ck up my relationships with them.

There're also the foot in the door factor: Give an inch/ take a mile. Meaning that if I've accepted X? All of a sudden my very boundary-free family thinks that grants them the right to A-Z. One (reverse) case in point, I signed over my car to my parents to pay off a debt. So then my mom started selling my belongings. WTF??? No. I didn't say you could have everything I owned, I very specifically signed over one thing. It was like it was a completely foreign concept to her. Same token, if I allow my mom to help me put something in my storage unit once? In her head that means I've granted her 100% access to everything in my storage unit. For all time. To do with as she pleases. (Use, lend out, sell, etc.). No. No I haven't. That. Is. Not. Yours. She's a smart woman, it's not that, it's just family politics. Ownership & privacy? Crack open the door, and not only does the door get thrown wide open... So does the wall. :shifty:

So if I want to preserve the relationship with my mom? Never ever ever accept her help. Her company, her huge heart, her quick wit, her undying love... But never her help!

Family Politics : When you have a map to the minefield? Feel free not to step on the mines.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

My mom is one of my closest friends... As long as... I don't accept gifts/offers of assistance/ etc....

A map to the minefield, I love that!! Yes my first question was will the car be ours, to trade-in, sell, etc. He said after a certain amount of time, but what would be the proper amount? It would only cause problems, I've had over a decade reading these people. They are too much like my family and boundaries are insults. Growing up it hurt my mother's feelings when I didn't want to share a soda with her (or anyone else). I was particular about what went in my mouth and that just wasn't okay so she and my father would take bites off of my plate with my fork to "test" my food. Grossed me out then and grosses me out now. How dare I have boundaries?