Anxiety Following Parent Suicide

[I'll stay anonymous]

My mum tried to kill herself 3 times back in 2003. I witnesses the second attempt and she succeeded on the third. I was 8 and have never quite understood the circumstances around her death. I am now 20 and struggling through life. My dad then became diagnosed with MS in 2006 and is now at the stage where he struggles to walk, I cant bear seeing him the way he is but I see him everyday as I live with him and his partner/ carer; and her kids. I'm studying at uni and cant afford to move out and study, and I feel totally isolated and hated by everyone. I get more and more anxious each time I go to uni and hate being around other 'happy' people. I get panic attacks sat in lectures where I tense up, sweat, shake and struggle to breath, never-mind absorbing any of the lecture! Other students must think I'm insane!
I regularly contemplate taking my own life to escape this horror movie that seems to be my life. I feel like society recognises that I'm f*cking mad, but cannot ask me to just give up and die so everyone can move on and be happy.
I'm angry that this bullshit had to happen, and sad that I will never see my mum again, or my dad walk free of pain.
This post is an attempt to reach out to those who may have witnessed similar experiences and can therefore appreciate and understand the emotions that I am going through. I'm hoping those people will see this and be able to offer some kind of advice or tips that will push my head above the water before I drown.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums. Sorry you're here, but glad you found us!

 

[Poofycat]

I am so sorry you're struggling right now. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and it's understandable that you're having trouble dealing right now. If you don't have one already I really recommend finding a trauma therapist.

You're not alone. Hugs if you accept them. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

OK.. so first, your university offers services to students like you. This is especially true in the US. You don't list your location so I can't help much but I CAN say because I work on a campus that if you go to a professor and tell ANY of them that you need assistance getting help with this that they will do just that. Even the people who don't teach on a university campus are required to go through training to help you get the help you need.

So if you don't like your teachers, go to an administrator, ANY administrator and ask for assistance in getting some counseling. Universities don't like it when students off themselves on their watch and honey, you qualify for all sorts of assistance. Don't wait and flunk out or something. It's hard but go talk to someone now. If you need help bridging that gap, PM me (use the little envelope in the top right corner) and I'll be happy to be the go between to get you started.

This sucks ass. It does but it doesn't mean you have to stop breathing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I regularly contemplate taking my own life to escape this horror movie that seems to be my life. I feel like society recognises that I'm f*cking mad, but cannot ask me to just give up and die so everyone can move on and be happy.

I didnt witness a parent's suicide and im sorry that you did! :hug: But, I CAN identify with these feels, A LOT! Its an every day thought but some days are worse and some are better but its still an every day thought so I can relate to that.

Think of your dad if you're gone and how sad he would be. This is what helps me (ignore the forgien langauge and read the English ones);

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wasnt thinking when i posted that video, now that i listen to it again; forgot there's a boy in it that is talking about loosing his dad. Sorry if that made it worse :sorry: Its just helps me when I get close; probably cuz the girl in the white shirt reminds of me. Sorry, i wasnt thinking.

I second, does the universerity offer mental services?

:hug: