Is She Going To Be Able To Handle This?

[Patrick Wilder]

Hi everyone,

I've been dating a perfect, wonderful girl for about 5 months now. She's amazing and I've loved the time I've spent with her. Recently, she confided in me that she had been abused in the past and has PTSD. I want nothing more than to be there and support her in this. I'm hesitant to offer her any kind of advice or recommendations, because frankly, I'm highly unqualified in that field. I would never tell her this, because I feel it's overstepping my bounds, but here's the thing that concerns me though - she works part-time with her abuser 3-5 times a week. It worries the crap out of me. She's never alone with him, which is good, but I still worry that at some point she might be just out of circumstance.

My bigger concern though, is that she won't be able to get on with her life as long as she's in that situation. She loves the job and the people, and she gets to work with animals which is a big thing for her, but my gut tells me she needs to get this guy out of her life 100%, even if that means leaving (again, I'm not comfortable suggesting that to her though). I'm just concerned that, although I want to be there to support her through this, I feel like this is probably the worst situation she could be in, and that she's not helping herself by staying there. I feel terrible for her. I can't even begin to comprehend what she's going through. I'm afraid though, that as long as she's in this situation, she won't be able to heal. I guess what I'm asking is, am I right in thinking that this is a really bad situation for her to be in, as far as her emotional health is concerned?

I'm sorry I'm kind of ranting at this point. I'm scared, and I'm just trying to come to grips with what this means for me, and her, and I really really just want her to be ok.

 

[anthony]

If she is symptomatic at home, then chances are she isn't handling it, more coping with what she is dealt. Yes, some people do forgive abusers and get on with their lives, no question about it. The more important question is... has she forgiven or is it just coping due to needing a job?

I honestly don't feel it's too much of a stretch for that conversation IF she is symptomatic on return home each day, where the abuser is a focus of her ranting or such. If she rants about them after each day... it is creating her symptoms that she could be living without by being 100% away from them.

 

[airForceBrat91]

If she is symptomatic at home, then chances are she isn't handling it, more coping with what she is dealt. Y...

Thanks Anthony. I'm the original poster, but I just signed up for an account, so, it's still me here. I'm fairly certain she's just coping, and I know it's incredibly stressful for her being around him.... She's been working with this shelter in one way or another for close to 5 years, and I think the prospect of leaving something she loves so much is too much for her. I just...I feel so helpless because I recognize why she would be hesitant to, but I just feel like it's unhealthy for her to be there. Unfortunately, we're not at a point relationship-wise where I feel like I can bring this stuff up. If she does, I chime in, but...I don't know. Thanks a lot for your help though. I'm just worried sick about her.

 

[Tinyflame]

'm fairly certain she's just coping, and I know it's incredibly stressful for her being around him..

I bet it is. With or without forgiveness. I hope he goes somewhere else. He probably will repeat the behaviour with someone else, as well.

ETA, it's very kind & a 'vote of confidence' for you to support her though. If she can overcome the negatives doing the positives (what she loves) that could help a lot for strength for her.

 

[Sideways]

Maybe the relationship is ready for something more basic - a conversation about you, not her. Perhaps you could just open the way for future dialogue, at a pace she can handle, if you just let her know, "It makes me feel ... knowing that you still work with your abuser, because I care about you."

There's no judgement in that statement, and no "I know how to fix you". You're simply sharing how you feel, and letting her know that it's okay to talk about it if she wants to.

Just a thought:tdown:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes in all honesty it's probably awful for her. :(