I Had To Pass The Scene Today.

[Neverthesame]

One of my relatives who also lives here in Canada, passed away this week. She had been very ill for several years now.

She had suffered from multiple sclerosis for longer than I've been alive. In the last few years, she was beginning to develop congestive heart disease, kidney disease, which led to renal failure and a myriad of other things.

She was a rather umm, how do I say..?

Large woman, loud, opinionated often shrieking like a banshee at one of her 3 girls and later, her grandchildren. Or blaming the missing television remote or anything else she could on her "multiple stoopids". Haha, my favourite kind of person. I'm going to miss her, alot. Despite being referred to as one those "stick people" more than once.

I am not overly saddened by her passing, though not because I don't care. Far from it, I know she suffered terribly for the end of her life. I am glad she is no longer in pain. It still hurts though.

What does any of that have to do with the title? I'm getting to that.

In order to get to the funeral tomorrow I've got to suck up my anxiety and get in a car and drive past the place. The lonely little patch of highway where it all went so wrong. So much death. Such a waste.

There's nothing there now, just road and brown grass. I don't know what I was expecting. So strange to be somewhere that only means something to me. I almost thought I would see blood on the road. I could smell it though. Does it ever go away?

Hours later.

Having made it past that place, I'm now sitting in a seedy motel room in Regina. The people renting the room above me are noisy. Though disconcertingly they aren't having sex. Oh, sirens....

Somewhere else. Whew, thank God. Don't want to listen to a bust. Lol.

Judging by the damage that has been repaired around the door to my room. The cops have breached this door at least once lol. There is also a disconcerting chemical burn in the bottom of the bathtub. Looks like I'm not going to be washing my hair tomorrow...

Seriously, anyone know what could melt.... the f*ck? Is the microwave making modem noises?

Glad I brought a knife with me.... and I'm sleeping in my boots.... ha yeah right, sleep isn't happening here. Glad I'm not driving tomorrow morning. Might actually be able to sleep when I get to my destination.

 

[Neverthesame]

Well, that was interesting.

I actually was feeling a bit silly for bringing a knife with me here. That is until about 5 minutes ago when someone tried to get in my door.

It's a motel, the doors are self locking. They didn't try a key, as one would expect from someone who got the rooms mixed up.

f*ck this place.

Should have brought my flak jacket.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

That place is crazy!

I hope you are out of there now :hug:

 

[Neverthesame]

Almost, few more minutes. Then I get to do my breathing exercises in the car.

At least the service isn't until tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is fall asleep during funeral mass.

 

[Chimera]

I think it's incredibly brave of you, all the muck you're trudging through to pay your respect.
Really, really brave.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Chimera
indeed! Quite terrible stuff to go through!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sorry for your loss @Neverthesame to you and yours. :hug:

Yet, to bypass a trauma site...in order to be present in paying your respects ... admirable beyond measure. Prayers being offered during this time to the Higher Power that you may recognize. And should that not be the case...I send warmth and hugs from me to you. Peace be with you during this sad time.

 

[Neverthesame]

Never thought I'd be glad to be in a car.

I just saw my first ever wind power generator. Holy hell, that never seen one up close, they are huge. They aren't so impressive on TV and I don't get out often.

Thank you, @Chimera, @Saelben & @Recovery4Me for the kind words. I have to admit I really thought about getting out of it. Glad I didn't. Besides the obvious PTSD related unpleasantness, I hate funerals. Been to way too many of those lately. Not really surprising, alot of my relatives are reaching the end of the human life span. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though.

Her husband isn't too far from joining her either. Poor guy has recently been put on supplemental oxygen, he will be on that permanently.

I had not been informed until last night that there was a prayer service held for my aunt at her church. I wish they would told me that ahead of time, I really wasn't dressed for it (that's just my own vanity though) I had not had a shower since Thursday, whoops. Lol, oh well, first world problem is all that was.

I was stunned at how much family made it. Some cousins I have not seen it 20 years. I didn't recognise a few of them. Though a few also look exactly the same.

There's quite a bit more to talk about, but I'll keep this post bite size for once.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Neverthesame
Feel free to share more, seems like quite an interesting day :hug:

 

[user27357]

There's nothing there now, just road and brown grass. I don't know what I was expecting. So strange to be somewhere that only means something to me. I almost thought I would see blood on the road. I could smell it though. Does it ever go away?

It doesn't for me, except when it does. I am pretty sure that I think about every scene I was ever on as an EMT when I go through the places years later. And my own accidents, nearly fatal, close calls, near death experiences, yes, almost positive every time. Except sometimes I realise that I just drove past a scene and didn't think about it, except that thinking that thought is thinking about it, isn't it?

maybe sometimes I don't. There are hundreds of calls I went on here near my home. helicopter landings, ambulance loadings, things I found in the dark with a flashlight, very strong memories. those places are here in my head all the time and like you I probably think of them before I even get close. Others, not so much, and maybe, some of them not anymore at all. Except when I do.

it's a hard thing to be reminded of something you are wishing you could forget. I could be hundreds of miles from here, writing this post would still make me be reminded of the traumas just as much as I am right now, just as much as I am sitting at that intersection or going around that curve on that hill.

Think about it long enough and I am on that call again, in the middle of that night, looking here, looking there.........It does get better. Slowly. I don't think about it long enough to go back anymore. Except when I do.

 

[Neverthesame]

Ok, now that I am done, and back. Time for the novel.

That was bloody hard to do. The service was lovely. Short mass, absolutely packed full of people. Family and friends from damn near everywhere. Amazing how many lives she touched.

The priest who performed the service is quite unlike any I have ever seen. For one, the prayer vigil, was in fact a eulogy. It's unusual for a catholic service to include one. Though I am certainly not complaining, it was very fitting. The priest, spoke of why he allowed a eulogy, despite it not being a catholic practice.

He said to the congregation, what he told his bishop, when asked what he was doing (he actually said that ha.). He explained that the reason was that in the gospel of Luke, the apostles chose to commiserate and talk about the deeds of the dead for all to hear. So that all who knew them could share the stories of their lives to allow the process of grief to run it's course properly.

Can't find fault with that.

He also spoke of of the concept death, afterlife and what he thought it was all about. For me this part was what I found the most difficult to hear.

In order to explain this I'm going to have to do what I try to avoid on here. I'm going to have to explain my views on religion. I'm very sorry to anyone I offend, though I want to say I do respect others beliefs. If you find religion or faith in God, to be helpful in your life, great. I am legitimately happy for you, a little envious even.

I have a hard time with the concept of God as explained by the current church. I hear of this caring benevolent entity, with love in his heart for all who ask it. Yet I don't see it.

Why do things like ptsd happen? I don't understand why.

Why I am here, as an example. I was trying to help people trapped in a car. A family, they seemed nice enough. I don't know if they were Christian or what, I don't care honestly. They were people in need, I was there to help them.

Even if the adults in that car were horrible people, I refuse to accept that the three children in the backseat were bad people. One of them was an infant. Ever met an evil infant? Nope, me either.

Why did they all need to die? What possible purpose did that serve?

I get that we're not supposed to question the logic of God, fine. But I now have post traumatic stress disorder. My life as I knew it is over. Why? What did I do to deserve this? I hate God. I hate him with all the passion in my being. Why should we praise a God who let's children die horrible deaths?

Not only that, let's the drunk who caused the whole sodding mess, walk away without a scratch. I don't even know if he remembers anything, with how inebriated he was, probably not. If he's even still in prison, he's probably only sorry he was caught.

On the return leg of the trip, we decided that staying a second night in Regina was out of the question. So this meant I had to drive. I still hate driving, though I still think it was better than spending another night there.

This also meant I had to drive by the scene, again. Goddamnit, it wasn't any easier that way either.

I had the strangest thing happen after that. I assume it was just from me being exhausted from the trip, and the white knuckle ride. But every time I'd look left, I would actually see a flash of bright light out the corner of my eye. Put me right back where I was. Leaning in the back seat of a car assessing casualties. I can still see the blood on my hands. It never goes away, doesn't wash off. A permanent reminder of what I failed to do.

That horrid sound of little lungs filling with fluid, then stopping. The sound of sirens, then heli blades. Shouting. Didn't matter, it was over. I was alive, they were not.

I'm so sorry. This goes through my head constantly. I'm so sorry.

I'll leave it here, this is becoming too long as is.