Recent content by hotmess

  1. H

    The physical side effects of ptsd…

    I do the same. Gotta be careful not to deceive myself though. It's easy to justify using too much.
  2. H

    The physical side effects of ptsd…

    I agree with you completely. The ignorance surrounding cptsd disgusts me. There's absolutely no reason that people can't be more informed. I've had horrible experiences with drs that have no idea how to deal with this condition. Medical school can't be teaching them anything about dealing with...
  3. H

    Hyperarousal & Window of Tolerance

    I use cannabis when it's really bad. It's not a cure but at least it calms me down enough that I don't get into trouble. Mania makes me so reckless and sometimes suicidal. I only use cannabis for mania emergencies because otherwise it makes me sleepy and unmotivated.
  4. H

    Dealing with shame after suicide ideation

    It takes a long time for the good memories to come back. Grief poisons all of them for awhile but eventually you'll be able to think of the good sometimes. My friends suicides were in 2013 and I still feel so much pain but I can definitely think of funny things that they did, and laugh now. Just...
  5. H

    Dealing with shame after suicide ideation

    I feel like that a lot too. Now I count time in my life as before and after suicides. Whenever I want to die I think about how bad I hurt when my friends committed suicide. I don't want to make my family and friends feel that way. I'm isolated but not still love them. Sometimes I'm resentful...
  6. H

    Surprised by wanting to isolate

    Thank you for your reply. It's very helpful. I'm actually just starting dialectical behavioral therapy and I like it. I also obsessively replay social interactions and convince myself that I made a huge fool of myself and now everyone hates me. So I get anxious even before I get with people, and...
  7. H

    Need help coping with dysfunctional family relationships following dad's death

    You're not alone. Even if we love our families, we still have cptsd. Love doesn't cure it, and I don't avoid family gatherings because I'm angry or being manipulative. I used to feel guilty for staying away because I realize that they don't understand and they feel hurt if I need space, but...
  8. H

    Surprised by wanting to isolate

    I used to trust my instincts but now I'm not sure. Maybe avoid her as much as possible. Idk about you, but freaking out in a group is a fear of mine. I'm definitely a fight, not flight or freeze person, and I get really angry. It's so embarrassing that I try to stay out of social situations as...
  9. H

    Embarrassment and Shame - I Just Want To Isolate From My Friends

    Your feelings seem so similar to mine. I've been isolating more and more over the last few years. The insecurities drive me crazy and I stay alone so I don't have to experience feeling worthless or stupid or whatever. I know I'm projecting but it's hard to convince myself of the truth. It's...
  10. H

    The physical side effects of ptsd…

    I feel like you're telling my story too. The anorexia is what I will die from eventually. All the rest of it is a nightmare but the anorexia is always in the background, slowly depriving me of the strength to continue. I have constant muscle pain and don't sleep well. Whenever I'm struggling...
  11. H

    What Are You Grateful For Today?

    I love to take walks when I'm down and be grateful for nature. It's real and my terrible cptsd feelings are based on fiction. It makes me feel like part of something beautiful.
  12. H

    Dealing with shame after suicide ideation

    I had 2 friends commit suicide within 2 weeks of each other. It was in 2013 and it caused a total breakdown that I'm just now crawling out of. There was substance abuse to the point that I went to rehab twice, 3 close calls with suicide attempts and now I still have cptsd so badly that I can't...
  13. H

    Sufferer Long delayed introduction

    It's so comforting to know that others understand you. I feel like I push friends and family away and hurt their feelings. They somehow believe that if they loved them enough I wouldn't be afraid of gatherings. I'm ok one on one but can't do holidays or anything with lots of people. I also have...
  14. H

    Sufferer Isolating and struggling to cope

    I've only been on this site for a week and I just want to say how much help I'm finding. I thought I was alone in my extreme symptoms. That I was exaggerating, being overdramatic. That's how other people treat me too. Hearing your stories validates my problem. It's a nightmare and I kept...
  15. H

    How Do I Trust Again

    I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're going through a nightmare. I trigger myself just thinking about trusting again. I mean if I try and pressure myself into socializing or starting relationships it stresses me and I freak out. I'm so lonely too. I used to love being with lots of people. I had...
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