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General What are they thinking?

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Thank all sufferers for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful. When my sufferer disappeared, I was uninformed and had no context for it at all. I went through a series of emotions.

The first was disbelief. I trusted him. I know he loved me. He would never do something like that me. I'll hear from him.

Then the search for an alternative explanation. Did something happen? Is he hurt? Did he lose his phone, and that's why I can't get through to him? It sounds naive , but the mind just can't make sense of what is happening.

Then it became hurt and fear. I was wrong about him. He never really cared about me, It was all a lie. Feeling angry, which is really a cover-up for the fear. The fear that if I could be so wrong about someone, how could I trust myself and my own judgment?

Then rejection of that. I know it was real. There has to be some explanation. Messaging frantically, trying desperately to contact him through other means, without success. Needing some resolution for the overwhelming confusion. It's just irrational. Feelings of desperation for some explanation. Should I go to his house?

Then self-doubt. Did I do or say something wrong that caused him to flee? Was it my fault?

Then trying to fix it. If it was caused by something I said or did, then I should be able to fix it. More attempts to contact him, apologetic, showing empathy, trying to get some kind of response, some explanation.

Cycling through these emotions, endlessly. Until I learned more and understood that is wasn't about me.

Then came the grief. Hurting so much. The tragedy of such a beautiful person having to go through this, and most likely losing him, because there is nothing I can do, no action I can take to make it better. Trying to let go. More bargaining. What can I do or say to influence him to come back and talk to me? Nothing. It's all on him.

It takes a long time to get over. I've been through a number of break-ups of LTR's and a divorce. It may seem crazy, but none of them were as hard as the end of this brief relationship. Because the endings made sense. There was a deterioration of the relationship that signaled what was coming. There was an adult conversation and resolution. Acceptance that the connection just wasn't right.

With this, all I'm left with is the memory of this amazing love that seemed to be building toward something. The connection was right. He appeared to be trying to connect more deeply, giving signals of growing commitment. Excitement and hope for a great future. And then in a moment, he was just gone. It haunts me.

@Freida, thanks for starting this thread. I don't mean to minimize the pain you sufferers go through that causes you to do these things. There is a lot of pain on both sides.
 
I have a question. Several posters have said that sufferers often don't return to their partners after they flee. But eventually there seems to be a partner that they do return to, even though they may still need to run periodically. What was it that made that shift for you?
 
I have a question. Several posters have said that sufferers often don't return to their partners after...

I finally felt safe.

Ok, I confess, the relationship has changed, as we are no longer together, but we are texting every day and talking almost every day.....Friends. I am the sufferer. He is the one who ended the relationship. (A first for me as I’m usually the one bolting our the door.) The first few weeks were extremely painful but I refused to let go. (Another first for me.) I can’t even begin to explain why I’m finally holding on to someone. He understands in a way that nobody else has. He continues to care about me with genuine concern and nothing required in return. I am able to accept his (friendship) love for me as it is a safe kind of love. So I guess it boils down to feeling safe and secure.
 
I have a question. Several posters have said that sufferers often don't return to their partners after they flee. But eventually there seems to be a partner that they do return to, even though they may still need to run periodically.

I returned to my husband after a three month split and I did love him very much and he did go out and got help for his issues and changed his life. We were married for thirty six years before he died.
 
. I have to explain from a supporters point of view, if we love you and support you as we say we do, this type of hurt is unexplainable.

I think this is the hardest part to explain. When I'm in ghost mode I don't see you. I mean. I know you are there but at the same time you aren't. I'm not sure if you are friend or foe. It's like being on fire. Is the person approaching you carrying gasoline or water? There is no way to be sure. It's not like a panic attack. It's like the word ESCAPE!!!! Is flashing in my head. I almost drove away when hubby got out of the car to drop off a package and he had to yell at me to get me to stop. He was understandably annoyed because he had told me he was coming with me. But all that registered was that my car had stopped moving!!!!!!! ESCAPE!!!

Nope... I'd rather get a false start than a WTF. I know he's feeling like a spooked colt ready to bolt. He can change his minds as many times as he wants as long as I know he's safe.

I'm pretty good at checking in each day. I think...

But eventually there seems to be a partner that they do return to, even though they may still need to run periodically. What was it that made that shift for you?[/QUOT
I
Same thing.....safety ...not in terms of he can keep me safe but more of a safe vibe. Yeaaaaa...i Know. Sucky explanation
 
@Freida I have a question for you or and sufferer that could possibly help me understand because I truly want to. My suffererer had the worst PTSD episode 4 months ago. It was so bad that I prepared myself that it was the end of our 35 year marriage. It was then I realized that this was bigger than anything I could fix, or handle and knew I needed therapy to learn how to live with soeonewith PTSD and truly be a supporter. It has helped me tremendously and I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have and he's grown by leaps and bounds as well.

The problem Is, is that he was never a good communicator but he was ALWAYS affectionate. I think that's what always gave me personal security even when I was feeling insecure.
After this huge explosion in our life he slept on the couch for a month. He began communicating (nothing deep or personal but comunicating). His mood has been uplifting and hopeful. He now gives me one kiss and a hug goodbye when I'm walking out the door. BUT he doesn't snuggle, sleeps very far on the edge of a long size bed. He will lay his hand on my hand for a while and tells me he loves me before he falls asleep.

This is a man that was ALWAYS snuggly. It's been 4 months now. One time I said something and he said nicely "You promised me you wouldn't push", so I haven't.

Any in site would be appreciated.
 
@aconcernedspouse Oh wow. Yea. uhmmm... that makes sense to me...but I'm not sure I can explain why.

I have ptsd and fibro so sometimes when they both flare up its painful to be touched. Or, it could be that touching is claustrophobic and I can't breathe when someone is holding me. Or that being touched is setting off a trigger - either unrelated or related. Or that I'm having nightmares and I'm afraid I'm going to lash out. Or that I'm scared of hubby - not in a real world way, but in a "somebody is too close to me" way. I may not know that hubby is hubby, even though I know he really is. I may want more affection but my brain and body are so jacked up I can't let down my guard even for someone I love. Or that I have to sleep on the far side of the bed so I can hit the ground running. Or that I reach out to make sure he is there -- then panic that he may suddenly die and leave me alone and I have to be prepared for that. Or that or that or that

This is what I could think of right off the top of my head in about 60 seconds. Yep - I know these reasons don't make sense. But they do. It is so exhausting to have to sort them all and try to separate the real ones from the ptsd ones.

Will he tell you what the big episode was about? That might help you feel better that the triggers are residual to that rather than you. Does he do therapy? It might be worth it to ask him to bring it up to his therapist on how he can reassure you this is just left over stuff. Is 4 months too long? no way to know. But I would take his reaching out - even a little - as a good sign
 
Random thought of the day

It's like a low hum in the back of my head.... not safe/run/escape not safe/run/escape. I know it isn't real, but it runs in a never ending loop and the ability to resist it gets harder and harder as I approach my anniversaries. I sometimes wonder if this is what a drug addict feels like -- that NEED for something that you know you should't do/have/be. No matter how strong the will power, it is a never ending pull on my mind. When it gets bad it crawls out of the back of my head takes over every perception, thought, rationality. I start to lose track of who is who, where my safety zones are, who I am in the here and now. Slowly the volume goes up...until I can't stand it anymore. Then the only way to stop it is to try to run away from it...but no matter where I go it follows me. No one can help me. no one can make it stop. no one can keep me safe. All I can do is run
 
@Freida as I said before he is a horrible communicator. The big episode was a long time coming. I see it clearly now but I was trying to convince myself it was all in my head lol.

I am by nature a very positive, optimistic and giving person. He had a horrific childhood and I don't know most of the trauma he endured. Then he was in a life and death accident that took everything from hi. His ability to work, etc. This forced me into having to support us and build a career, which makes him feel guilty but I'm happy to do it.

I ended up doing everything for him. Enabling him and he resented it. He didn't think I believed he could do anything for himself. I see now I did all the wrong things with all good intentions. Well, he was planning on leaving. Where he didn't know. He said he loved me and hated me. He said he couldn't talk to me. He said he F'ed up my life and I was the perfect wife that every man hoped for. I told him if it was what he wanted I would let him go. It ended up in a major blow up and he left but only to come back a few hours later. It was hard because I was the only one that could talk him down and I could feel the deep love but also the hate.

I know how much he loves me and I've learned so much in therapy. He has been in therapy for 4 years now. I never talk to him about therapy because I want him to have that safe place. I do realize that when I don't push and allow him his space he comes out of moods much quicker. I don't do things for him unless he asks now and he's doing more since I've done that.

Apparently I made him feel less of a man. I did to much for him, I wore my feelings on my sleeve and it hurt him and made him resent me because he felt guilty that he hurt me. It's really hard to explain because my mind knows how he viewed things but it also doesn't understand. I hope this made sense lo
 
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