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General What are they thinking?

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I always tell my vet that I am way less complex than he thinks I am. Just keep me in the loop. I'm not going to have some deep complicated reaction to something that just "is". He's got PTSD. He's not doing well... alrighty, he told me, now that's on my radar. That is literally all I think about the situation. Of course I have empathy and such, but I never think negatively of him or question the relationship when he is in a bad spot. Wouldn't even cross my mind. I KNOW he has PTSD. I would have been gone a long time ago if it was an issue for me.
 
@Sweetpea76 yes!!!!! That is what took me so long to get. Is this what is meant by not taking things personally? If so, I’m finally starting to see the light. I’m not quite there yet because I struggle when she lashes out at me but I’m getting there. I think my struggle is because I spent 10 years fighting her PTSD and only learned coping skills and boundaries this past year so I’m trying to reverse 10 years of wrong thinking on my part. But you’re right....I KNOW she has PTSD.

I need to remember your post when I feel myself slipping.

Great thread @Freida It has helped me a lot
 
It looks like you all may be better for me than I realize. Wandered off to find hubby - to say "Hey, I'm already struggling and I'm worried about Christmas" He looks at me all confused and says, "yea, you told me that two days." hmm...how about that. So I asked - how hard should I work to hide it? His response was that it was ok for me to try to keep it under control and he will let me know if it looks like I'm amping up too much.

who knew..??? LOL Oh yea - you all did!
 
I've been following this thread for a while and I just want to say thank you for everybody's wise and honest perspective. Same boat here as a supporter. Mine doesn't ghost (I see ghosting as disappearing without a word and no reaction to contact attempts,) but isolates. His isolation doesn't happen after "unrelated" triggers (say, something he saw on TV etc.) It invariably happens in relation to me.

It's taken us years, but he is now much better at communicating that his strong (understatement) reaction and subsequent accusations etc. have nothing to do with me. It's gone beyond what we were talking about. That's made it easier to give him space and not feel all too insecure when he isolates.

That said, it's his self-righteousness in those moments--and that's something I've read between the lines in this thread too--that makes me fundamentally question his ability to even be in a relationship that is equal and fair. Supporters aren't mothers, therapists, or service pets. If a sufferer wants to be in a relationship, that needs to be made abundantly clear. My sufferer can't have it both ways, be in a relationship with someone that is supportive and understanding, while at the same offering none of that in return. It's statements like the following that break trust and security: "how dare you feel this way, how could you STILL not understand, how dare you express what you need, MY problems are ten times worse than yours, oh yeah, you feel shitty, how about going through images of being violently raped as a child?"...you catch my drift.

While I can't blame him or anyone else for FEELING that way, there is something to be said for learning to control what you EXPRESS in those moments. As supporters we're doing the hard work of self-soothing and individualizing (as to not become co-dependent.) The same should be expected of sufferers. While intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are obviously outside of his control, I think the step of being able to self-sooth and communicate in those moments is prerequisite to maintaining a relationship.

As to not disclosing the results of treatment and hospital stays. I'm also in the same boat. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, in my eyes. Everybody has a right to keep certain things to themselves. But if these things have a profound and altering effect on my SO and our relationship and therefore myself, then he owes me at least a rudimentary explanation.

At the end of the day it's about granting supporters the freedom and agency to make their own decisions and choices in life. That is inextricably linked to the information they have access to. So much of sufferer's behaviors can be boiled down to keeping other's actions and reactions under control. You can't, you never can. You can only control yourself and your healing. Supporters have had to learn that the hard way. Sufferer's may have to too.
 
....much of sufferer's behaviors can be boiled down to keeping other's actions and reactions under control. You can't, you never can. You can only control yourself and your healing. Supporters have had to learn that the hard way. Sufferer's may have to too...

Yes, as a sufferer, I have had to learn this over and over. It is hard. There are folks who will never understand, never give an inch, and I just have to "deal with it." However, truth be told, dealing with it is beyond me sometimes, so that is when all kinds of coping skills are my only hope, not to mention therapy and looking for other people to hang out with or taking a back seat role and finding others to carry the torch for awhile.
 
so that is when all kinds of coping skills are my only hope, not to mention therapy and looking for other people to hang out with
That sounds like healthy "dealing" to me! :)

But really, it IS hard. Not being able to control other people's actions and reactions brings up a lot of fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability--both for sufferers and supporters. That said, the nature of this condition can amplify fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability, so it may be even harder for sufferers to cope with this particular reality.

That said, at least in my sufferer's case, I think letting this fact of life sink in for good would help him immensely, not only in terms of dealing with his triggers and the people in his life, but his beliefs and internalized narratives about his initial trauma as well. Of course that's easier said than done from the outside...but one can hope he gets there.
 
I told you I would share with you when the time came --- so here we go . here's what I'm thinking.

I hate you all! I hate my supporters! I hate the person who delivers my mail and my paper and the clerk at the store. I hate anyone who has a brain that leaves them alone and doesn't hijack them when they are least expecting it. I hate that normal people don't have to constantly scan the crowd, or worry about bombs, or find the threat before the threat finds you. I hate that you get a normal life and I get this shit storm that never ends no matter how much I try to get a grip on it. I hate feeling pain from years ago that should be gone and isn't. I hate that it wasn't MY decisions that landed me in this cluster f*ck of a life. I hate that I dont want to keep fighting to stay alive, but I know I have to. I hate that no matter how much you want to help you can't because you can't shut my brain up either. I hate that the only answer I can think of for this 5 minutes is a bullet in the brain -- but I know I can't go that option. And that isn't fair. Why do I have to deny myself an exit just to make you happy

I hate that I have to work my ass off to not take it out on the people around me when all I want to do is scream and rant and rave and throw things and break things and tell you all to get the f*ck away from me and leave me alone! I can't make this stop! And you want to be all "oh we want to help". But guess what? You can't. my brain is on fire!!!!! And it never stops... its always there. and sometimes it wears me down so much that I just want to give up. But I wont. because I am tougher than that.. And I want to believe you understand but you will never know the nightmare that I'm living. there is no end. It doesn't matter how much I love your or care for you --- this will NEVER end. I may get better at handling it but that is so much work that sometimes I think its better to just kick you to the curb so I don't have to. I just don't have the energy to keep trying.

So it's better that I get away from you. I know all I'm going to do is hurt you or make you feel bad and I dont care right now. I can't make the screaming stop. If I stay I'm going to take it out on you and neither of us want that. So its' better that I break off contact -- get away from you, try not to cause any more damage because it's not fair to either of us. All I will bring you is pain and sorrow and anger. You can't make this right. Everything you say is pissing me off. You said good morning and I wanted to bitch slap you. I CANT STOP THE SCREAMING!!!! and I know its going to be like this till the end of January and it is going to continue to get harder. I also know there are times coming up where every single ounce of my energy is going to to towards not losing my shit and ruining the holidays for others and its not fair. I'm TIRED. I'm tired of protecting you from me. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of making you cry. I'm tired of knowing its my fault because I can't get my shit together. I'm tired of being a raging bitch when I come home from therapy and all I want to do is kill someone. yes. I love you...but I can't stand being around you. It takes more self control than I have. I need to go.....
 
Being a sufferer I can totally relate, @Freida. I live alone now. I need to be alone. I ditched my boyfriend even though we were rather distant anyway. I saw him in church today and I know he is hurting. I did say "Hey" to him. That was all I could do. I hurt too. I hurt for him, I hurt for me. However, I just could not do it any longer. Being a girlfriend is hard work! I just don't have it in me sometimes. Often times.

As to my brain, yeh, it never shuts down either. There is always something in the back of my mind if not the forefront, even when I sleep. I got awoken so many times in the last 24 hours, I lost count. They don't seem like dreams either. I am still seeing them and living them sometimes for a minute or two after I wake!

Then there are the conversations in my head. I hear his voice saying stuff to me and I do not know if I am picking up his thoughts or if it is all my imagination, delusion or reality or some kind of ESP. Only God knows what is really going on. And my body? It has a mind of its own too! It feels all sorts of things.
 
Maybe my vet is pretty open with me, but he's told me things along that line. Maybe that's why I have zero issues leaving him alone and giving him space. This is also why we haven't moved in together yet even though we've been together more than 5 years and we stay with each other most of the time. He has a place to retreat. Outside of dropping off food I leave him alone when he's in his hidey-hole.

A condition of us moving in together at any point in time would be for him to have his own room/area that's off limits to everybody but him. I don't know if it'd work as well as not, but I'd have no issue with him hunkering down and not speaking to me when he gets like this.

This is actually an issue that terrifies me. We want to live together but I don't want to take away his safe spot and give him the urge to run.
 
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