P
Please
Hello guys, I've been struggling with this for a few days. My mom and I randomly talked about one of her boyfriends. She said he used to babysit me while she worked. I was so surprised when I heard this, I didn't remember being alone with him, he was in a gang and killed multiple people but she had no choice because she didn't have money for daycare. I never ever EVER have sat and thought about my past for some reason but I've been having every sign of being sexually abused. I thought I was just a sick freak. I often think about being violently raped and beaten. When I masturbate, terrible thoughts go through my head. I even sometimes take long walks in the dark by myself hoping something bad would happen to me. I used to get so angry when someone would stop me from leaving or refusing to let me walk alone. I hate talking to people. Texting and calling people is so hard. Going out with friends makes me feel even more alone. I have Bulimia and had anorexia in the past.
Anyways, after thinking and retracing my past I was able to remember some things. I was no older than 4 years old. I vividly remember him showing himself to me on the couch. I feel guilty because I was quite interested. he made it "jump" or twitch and that made me curious . After that, everytime we were alone, he would take it out and tell me to play with it. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, but I listened anyways.
Another memory I had I don't recall very clearly, we were at his mom's house, there was a little boy too. All three of us were in a room, the only thing I could vividly remember was his mom walking in, she seemed very upset and he looked very worried. I was on the bed and the little boy was standing at the door crying. I'm not so sure what happened in between. It's foggy but I think he was on top of me, I don't remember crying, Is it possible that my brain made these memories up? They seem so real at times, I remember being amazed at how the skin moved on a penis that first time and the fear and guilt the other times he made me play with it, but I sometimes end up feeling guilty for accusing him of something like this and tell myself that I'm just making it up. Is it also possible for me not to cry during sexual abuse if there was any penetration at that age? If something did happen, I think I remember how it felt entering me ( very VERY painful) but I don't think I was crying.
Thank you for your time
Anyways, after thinking and retracing my past I was able to remember some things. I was no older than 4 years old. I vividly remember him showing himself to me on the couch. I feel guilty because I was quite interested. he made it "jump" or twitch and that made me curious . After that, everytime we were alone, he would take it out and tell me to play with it. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, but I listened anyways.
Another memory I had I don't recall very clearly, we were at his mom's house, there was a little boy too. All three of us were in a room, the only thing I could vividly remember was his mom walking in, she seemed very upset and he looked very worried. I was on the bed and the little boy was standing at the door crying. I'm not so sure what happened in between. It's foggy but I think he was on top of me, I don't remember crying, Is it possible that my brain made these memories up? They seem so real at times, I remember being amazed at how the skin moved on a penis that first time and the fear and guilt the other times he made me play with it, but I sometimes end up feeling guilty for accusing him of something like this and tell myself that I'm just making it up. Is it also possible for me not to cry during sexual abuse if there was any penetration at that age? If something did happen, I think I remember how it felt entering me ( very VERY painful) but I don't think I was crying.
Thank you for your time