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Sexual Assault Left alone with my mom's murderer boyfriend when i was 4

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Hello guys, I've been struggling with this for a few days. My mom and I randomly talked about one of her boyfriends. She said he used to babysit me while she worked. I was so surprised when I heard this, I didn't remember being alone with him, he was in a gang and killed multiple people but she had no choice because she didn't have money for daycare. I never ever EVER have sat and thought about my past for some reason but I've been having every sign of being sexually abused. I thought I was just a sick freak. I often think about being violently raped and beaten. When I masturbate, terrible thoughts go through my head. I even sometimes take long walks in the dark by myself hoping something bad would happen to me. I used to get so angry when someone would stop me from leaving or refusing to let me walk alone. I hate talking to people. Texting and calling people is so hard. Going out with friends makes me feel even more alone. I have Bulimia and had anorexia in the past.

Anyways, after thinking and retracing my past I was able to remember some things. I was no older than 4 years old. I vividly remember him showing himself to me on the couch. I feel guilty because I was quite interested. he made it "jump" or twitch and that made me curious . After that, everytime we were alone, he would take it out and tell me to play with it. I didn't want anything to do with it anymore, but I listened anyways.
Another memory I had I don't recall very clearly, we were at his mom's house, there was a little boy too. All three of us were in a room, the only thing I could vividly remember was his mom walking in, she seemed very upset and he looked very worried. I was on the bed and the little boy was standing at the door crying. I'm not so sure what happened in between. It's foggy but I think he was on top of me, I don't remember crying, Is it possible that my brain made these memories up? They seem so real at times, I remember being amazed at how the skin moved on a penis that first time and the fear and guilt the other times he made me play with it, but I sometimes end up feeling guilty for accusing him of something like this and tell myself that I'm just making it up. Is it also possible for me not to cry during sexual abuse if there was any penetration at that age? If something did happen, I think I remember how it felt entering me ( very VERY painful) but I don't think I was crying.

Thank you for your time
 
I don't want to assume anything about your past. It does seem likely from my angle that something did happen -- I highly doubt you're making that up -- but I've noticed frequently on this forum that sometimes people looking for memories end up placing the wrong perpetrator in the memory. But I really don't know and I'm not a professional.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I'd highly recommend that you get one. You need to discuss this with someone who can help you sort through what happened.

Good luck
 
Hi, I’m a bit confused.

Your memories already indicate that you have been sexually abused.

Do you mean to ask if the signs point to rape?

It’s very much possible that the abuse memories you already have are causing the symptoms you experience.

But, of course, nobody here can tell you for sure, so that’s why it’s a good idea for you to seek out professional help.

Hugs.
 
Hi, I'm sorry about what happened to you.
If what you said about your Mom's boyfriend was known to her back then, she knowingly put you in danger and that's abuse/neglect too.
I agree with @EveHarrington that things you have described are sexual abuse on its own and may have caused your symptoms. You were forced to watch a naked man and touch his private parts - that's sexual abuse without a doubt. I am sorry.
The question, if there was more, is something we can't answer and ask ourselves about our own stories too. Therapist can help you.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck. :hug:
 
Hey. I read your question slightly differently to the other commenters. What i thought you were asking (and I may be way wrong) is, if the memories are real, if they really happened, rather than whether they count as abuse.
And yes, it's absolutely possible that you didn't cry from penetration, regardless of how much it hurt. The brain has defence mechanisms like dissociation for that exact reason.
I can't give you a solid answer because I'm not remotely qualified.
But I sorta had the same thing coming to terms with my abuse. And I desperately wanted to believe I was making it up.
I read a book on false memory syndrome, and discovered it was basically a con by accused paedophiles and has no basis in scientific fact (opinion, but a researched one). My reaction wasn't joy, but disappointment.
Anyway, look, I don't know your story, but the memories seem.specific, detailed, and likely.
I hope you find some good help.
 
I read a book on false memory syndrome, and discovered it was basically a con by accused paedophiles and has no basis in scientific fact (opinion, but a researched one). My reaction wasn't joy, but disappointment.
How interesting
 
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