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Does anyone know how to deal with dissociation, seizures and this maybe crazy things, i am scared??

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Jazzé

New Here
Hello,
I am new to this forum so I am trying to figure out how things work here. But I hope that there have to be some people who understand what I mean. First I should warn you about my bad english;-)
I don´t really know how to start. I started to have those dissociative seizures when I was still stuck in this "bad situation". There are a lot more crazy things that happened in my mind while I was in that situation but I do not think that I noticed it back then because I just had to survive the years. I am not able to "really look back" without getting lost in a flashback and I really do not remember a LOT which scares me. Sometimes parts come back and I really do not know how to deal with it. And I am scared what happed to me that I do not remember. (I hope that you get what I am trying to say, I think it is really messed up but I am trying to get a little bit out) That is actually nothing I was planning to write.
I am really scared. I think I am going crazy right now. I got out of this situation half a year ago and the crazy stuff gets worse and I think I am losing my mind totally. I have these seizures almost every day and most of the times it is like a flashback (I totally blank out, fall to the ground and every part of my body "shakes" and most of the times I am back there) I was told that these seizures are called "dissociative seizures" but no one can tell me how to deal with it. I was in a psych hospital for a few weeks and they just told me that I should be able to controll it. But I really can not and I do not know how to do it. When I do not learn to handle this I will be kicked out of my school and my home (because I can not live at my parents house the youth office put me into a home for girls but I just turned 18 so they can kick me out aswell and they told me that they would do this)
Sometimes I notice when I am about to dissociate in a not seizure way...but I fail at the seizures and a lot of times also with the other dissociative stuff. I know this is not very specified but I do not know what really happens to me.
I am scared of myself because I forget a lot. Sometimes a whole week is lost. I know that I forget a lot related to this situation but it can not be normal to forget so much even though I am "safe" (I do not feel very safe, but I am safer, he does not know where I am at least) And I wrote songs that I definately did not write. I write a lot of songs but they are all kind of the "same style", my style...I am just so confused. There are so much more things but I think I should stop now.
I am going crazy. What happens to me???
Does anyone know how to deal with it?
Oh god I do not know what to do.
I hope you know what I mean.

Greetings,
Jazzé
 
Okay.

You are not going crazy.
Is there anyone that could help you ensure your physical safety during those dissociative seizures? Do you know what brings them on, what kind of stress will push you there instead of any other flashbacks and the like?

And hey, you said what you do in those other spells is write songs.
Does not strike me as a scary thing, a thing to be scared about. You are not scary, losing time and control is, but that does not make you scary.

Where else safe can you live? Does not sound to me being constantly stressed about where to live is going to help the matters much. You need basic external safety.

Hows your sleep?
 
Thanks for the answer.

I am so confused.
When I am not going crazy what else happens to me? It is so scary. And yes, I am scary...I do things that I do not know. Maybe I am doing terrible stuff. There was a thieve in my "Home" and maybe I stole the money and forgot. I am scared of myself. I found something that makes me think that I did not end the contact to him. Oh god I am so so so scared. I am sorry for writing this over and over again.

I could not figure out what triggers zoning Out, having a seizure, a Flashback and so on. I just can not find a pattern.

I really do not know where to live when I can not stay here... I have no money and because I did not finish school yet I could not get a job..If I were able to do this..which I am not.

I am trying to stay in my room when it is possible. I am even scared to go outside. But in generell there is (mostly) nobody who could keep me safe.

I really do not know what to so.

My sleep is pretty bad. I try to avoid sleeping. It scares me to lose controll while sleeping. I have nightmares but luckily I wake up often.

Thanks again :-)
 
I was in a psych hospital for a few weeks and they just told me that I should be able to controll it.
Man, I can literally feel this posting through each of my cells. I am so very, terribly, horribly sorry that you are going through this. Not many of us do, I think, which means many doctors don't believe it happens.

So, yes, I have experienced this. For me, this was pre-verbal trauma coming out by way of somatic responses. That is the bodies way of discharging energy. This video is of a polar bear that has been tranquilized and is discharging traumatic energy - sounds like in a similar way that you are describing. It may help you to understand that this is a normal process. You aren't crazy and you aren't a freak.

Trauma bear

Great references for this
1. Pete Walker
2. Peter Levine and Somatic Therapy
3. Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

I think it would be a good idea if you tried to find the support of a trauma therapist. Highly, highly, highly advise you get one.

No idea where you live therefore what kind of medical care is there. You are young as I recall you stated? Do you have any type of financial means?
 
More later, but, going without sleep will not help you with any of those states.

It is not a loss of control, the contrary, it is gaining more strength to be dealing with all of the horror.
Maybes wont help you there, just because you are dissociating and terrified is not a proof of guilt of anything.

Can you get a part time job, somewhere safe if possible and with a number of people you handle that could help if you have health problems?
 
Man, I can literally feel this posting through each of my cells. I am so very, terribly, horribly sor...

Thank you. This is very helpful. I am glad (and sorry) that you expierienced this too. How did you manage to work against it and live your life? Did it stop or do you learn how to live with it?

Thank you for the link and the references. You can not imagine how much this means to me.

It is hard to get a therapist but I am trying to.
I do not really understand what you mean with your last two questions. (Sorry but my english is not very good)

Thank you!!!

More later, but, going without sleep will not help you with any of those states.

It is not a loss of cont...

You are right. Thank you for bringing me down to the ground again.

When I get kicked out what it seems like when I do not improve I can get a small job maybe. But as long as I am in the youth care system I am not able to do this (we have to give back almost all money we would earn, which is fair considering how expencive giving a home is for the state). And there is still the school problem. But I am going to find a way.
 
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I used to have those. Later I realized that it was my brain trying to put the pieces together with natural Emdr. If I resisted, I lost it. When I calmed down and let it flow, I got my pieces back. EMDR is a superimposed weak way of what your brain is naturally doing to self heal. Sometimes it's too much when it does that especially when it is set off by stress or if you don't sleep afterward. As time went on they grew less intense and I learned to use them to my benefit. Just try to relax and let your body heal itself in the best way it knows
 
I got my pieces back. EMDR is a superimposed weak way of what your brain is naturally doing to self heal.
Interesting. You are the first person I have come across who has tuned into this link. I agree with you 100% and believe that it is imperative to sleep afterwards as well. I think many of us can't really fight the urge to sleep. Like our bodies are literally shutting us down.

You are young as I recall you stated? Do you have any type of financial means?
Just asking your approximate age and whether you had any money.
Did it stop or do you learn how to live with it?
A bit of both. It took me quite a while to learn how to manage. I learned a lot of tools to help me understand what was happening to me and how to keep myself safe while I was learning how to fix it.

Please feel free to send me a message with specific questions.
 
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