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Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

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Courelly....and you ARE getting through these days!

Another day down!

Antidepressants do not wor...
Whirlwind you are sooo nice and so right, I'm almost at the finish line.

No, I don't want to take the risk or leap of faith that would be required to give him a "chance" on the medication, as he's phrased it.

What you said about being an actor on your husband's stage is so relatable. My partner spent the early years of our relationship lamenting that I wasn't interested in participating in HIS hobbies, and always asserted that I didn't have any of my own (I do, but I don't insist that he shares them). I ended up just kind of fading into the background and only suggesting things I knew he'd want to do. He also really loves being as social as possible and doing plenty outside the house, but after years of trying to commute or travel places with the most negative and verbally abusive person I've ever known, I've become a relative hermit. I had driving anxiety before that I had mostly worked through on my own, but it's practically back to agoraphobia-level now. If we go out at all now, I'd rather pay tons of money for a ride share so that I don't have to brave my driving anxiety, and so that he doesn't drive. He's a much calmer driver where we live now that it's a more rural environment, but I'm scarred from years of his violent road rage when we lived in a busier city. I also tried to take him on a birthday trip to Hawaii a year ago, and though he remembers it fondly, all I remember is crying because he wouldn't stop complaining/unleashing on me over small, stupid things that made him angry.
 
Mine sabotaged me learning to drive. I was a sixteen year old homeless girl when he snagged me, he...
It's so beautiful to hear that you have a happy relationship after what you experienced! My confidence is so low right now that I get uncomfortable when a man even attempts to flirt with me. I feel a combination of suspicion and wondering why he even wants to talk to me, even though I objectively don't look vastly different from when this all started and I felt like a confident person.

I started feeling especially down about myself three years ago when my partner got in touch with his ex-girlfriend, and he insisted we go on her strict exercise and diet plan. I was far from needing a regimented exercise or diet plan at 5'6 and 140 lbs, but as you can imagine it's hard to believe that when your boyfriend says, "We are both getting fat and lazy."
 
Thanks for this context, as I have no knowledge on the effects of Lexapro or how long it takes to work...

I've taken Lexapro, and know it takes at least a few days of constant dosage to even remotely have an effect. There are other anti-depressants that are quicker acting. But like one of the posters said, antidepressants don't make shit into gold. ;) I really liked that comment.

As far as what he had done - it was earlier in our relationship when I had been led to believe maaaaany things that I now know were not true. He actually was a sociopath - psychopath (I have two therapists that after hearing of his exploitations, etc... agree wholeheartedly with "what" I was with. This was before I found out about the prison term, arrests, his killing a man in Cleveland, etc... so much more but it truly is what you hear about in a scary thriller. I had woken up to hearing him berating my son who has autistic traits and food texture issues, that he wasn't a "man" because he wouldn't eat what he made him. When I confronted him (remember, he was at first soooo loving, attentive, etc...) about it he like changed into a whole other person (Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde) and started yelling at me that my sweet, passive son was "malicious and deceitful and a whole other berage of unfounded character traits most likely his own projection. I told him not to yell at me, I assumed it was the bipolar (I had forgotten that mental illness wasn't an excuse for abuse) and he then swung into this (fake) sob story, guilt, etc... and then made sure he told me how he was feeling, wanted to die, hurt himself with his knives (he had also had a collection of swords etc... downstairs. I was honestly scared. I was scared for him and my son and his son. I offered to drive him to the hospital. He declined. I wanted him to sleep near me then. That was the one of his first manipulations of my pity, my loving and caretaking nature. He wasn't bipolar. He actually faked mental illness to get sympathy. I remember also he told me that he couldn't find a therapist because they kept telling him "he was too smart" for them. No joke - all my therapists, doctor, trauma theme laughed a lot at that one. It's a common thing I guess. Then he pretended to cry (no tears) that he just wanted to get better. It was diabolical and it took me two months of living with him after knowing him for a year, to find out that he was psychologically abusive psychopath who had lived a parasitic life committing crimes and fraud. My better judgement told me to leave, but my caretaking nature said stay. I wish I would've left that night and never returned. We wouldn't have been in the car accident and facing all the issues we are now.
 
Remember, there's no rule that says you can't give up on a relationship or get tired of "one more chance". If he's going to get his life on track? Good for him, it will serve him well going forward. Doesn't mean you have to hang around and see what happens. It's totally ok to move on, no matter what he does. His therapy is about HIM, if it means anything at all.
 
Antidepressants don't make shit into gold :) People on them must still change their ways to get better...

@LuckiLee I love that they don't make shit into gold. Classic. :laugh:

If he threatens to hurt himself? Leave. And call the police to do a safety check. Hopefully with your...

Yes, you're right. I should've left. So don't do what I did @courelly !! :)
 
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@courelly remember this is about you moving on with your life now. Not what he does with his.

there's no rule that says you can't give up on a relationship or get tired of "one more chance".
So true...

He will manage. Look he's got himself some medication and probably a follow up appointment with his T. Good for him.

Still does not change the patterns of behaviour and the overall dynamics within your relationship.

he wouldn't stop complaining/unleashing on me over small, stupid things that made him angry.

Popping a pill is not going to stop this behaviour. His anger is and remains his responsibility. Always was. Is still.
Same goes with everyone in my view.

It's ok to be emotional about it to friends, family, T & us. That is not a sign of weakness or making a wrong decision. That is a normal feeling - just breathe through it and stay calm while you are near him.

You will move forward so rapidly in terms of self-esteem. New relationships are sure to be something you will think through when you are free of this one. This is another chapter of your life that you can explore!

You have made your decision.

So glad your brother is coming Monday but be ready to go early if you are in doubt about his behaviour. That includes self-harm!

You are doing so well.
 
I remember when he and I were on a trip in an exotic beach side town. It was unreal beautiful...and “it started” when I misquoted the local gas price and he raged at me for a day. He was so angry with me.....for the entire trip. He only let us eat out once I remember my hands were shaking from nerves. The moment I picked up the menu he decided not to order and began berating me loudly in front everyone. People stared and I cried and wanted to leave but he forced me to order. And I couldn’t eat so he ate my meal and I just sat there crying. Noiseless of course. He taught me well!

It was one of many amazing trips that were destroyed. Not once have we ever had a good trip and later I came to realize he was his meanest when we are traveling ....”no witnesses” so I eventually refused to leave the state with him which also made him furious. His driving was terrifying...he “race car drove” and nearly got us in accidents, caused one once. Again..I later drove as I didnt trust him.

Good times, huh?

Spare yourself these kind of future memories.

Proud of you....keep it up...leave sooner than I did.

Whirlwind
 
My therapist told me about the abuse cycle today. The one that keeps people stuck. The sweet, nasty, crying begging, nastier, sweet again, even worse, crying begging, even worse, rinse and repeat.

She had a client that was beaten so bad she was mutilated. Took two months to rehabilitate. He got in touch with her when she was in the hospital. She went back.

Don't be her.
 
My therapist told me about the abuse cycle today. The one that keeps people stuck. The sweet, nasty, cry...
I've gotten really clear on the abuse cycle recently. I don't usually get the sweet in the "traditional" sense that I understood from various literature, so it was harder for me to admit to myself at first. He gets nasty and scary, then either he demands I apologize to him for things I haven't done wrong, or, if I don't play that game, he acts like absolutely nothing happened the next day. Joking, being casual, asking what I had in mind for dinner, etc. His sweet is casual.

The only time he really lays on the sweet is when I'm really truly going to leave. I've made a plan, I've packed bags, and then he is a reformed saint, or if he isn't, he promises he's going to be. He's laid it on thicker than ever this time, and I'm not budging. I don't believe him. Even if it is true, even if he really is going to be better, it's too late. When I look at him all I see is a person who harmed me.
 
Spare yourself these kind of future memories.

^^Totally agree it sounds like you went the long way around. It is so good you are free from that man. :hug:

rinse and repeat.
^^ So true it goes on and on, round & round. It is psychologically baffling to be in it & be exhausted by all of it's changing faces. It is torture.

He's laid it on thicker than ever this time, and I'm not budging. I don't believe him.
Good on you @courelly that is healthy thinking.

Actually quite likely his laying it on so thick should demonstrate exactly how much abuse he knows he has done & this is his last ditch effort (behaving nicely) to pull you back in. He is not doing this bc he loves you, respects you, honours you blah blah....
Really if you look at his behaviour past & present, he is thinking only about himself.

You need to care & think about yourself.

Be wary of him as Monday comes near. He may switch into another gear or go straight into physical abuse. It is a very unpredictable time to be near him right now. Let your brother know that he is laying it on so thick - not to panic anyone but just so your brother knows what he is walking into. Have you told anyone else that you are going? Somebody that can keep a watchful eye over you. Or is there somewhere you can go?

all I see is a person who harmed me.

Nobody absolutely nobody needs to be harmed and no not even you @courelly
It just should not be a part of your domestic landscape ever.
Even when you have stuffed up big time and haven't we all.... and cannot think of anything good about yourself....and again haven't we all - You still do not need to be abused. Not then and not now - not ever.
 
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