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Childhood School counselor - we finally told.

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Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
The obligatory apologies... I'm sorry for starting yet another thread. I feel like I've started a lot lately and I don't always get back to them as well as I should. I also am sorry that I haven't been responding much to other folks posts lately. I'm having troubles with focus.Also,for a time, I didn't have to apologize compulsively but right now, it's back to apologies or silence.. and now onto the point of my thread.

So, we agreed to do some trauma work in T. We actually brought it up with her before we got started today. We were on the first part of the work sheet. And I don't really know how to explain what happened. It wasn't me that was talking to T but someone else. Someone I don't recognize (ugh, please don't let us have yet another part). And we were answering T's questions but I guess there was something that wasn't being said? She kept reminding us to stay with her as we talked. She also kept asking us what we were seeing/thinking/remembering.

And we were basically done but that part was still out and I don't remember what T said but then that part was saying they were going to say something that is pretend. And eventually explained that the school counselor we saw in first grade sexually abused us. That part eventually stopped talking about it as a "pretend" thing. And said we'd never ever told anyone.

We'd run over but T is getting smarter and asked us if we could drive. That part said no. We were very little. So T set us up in a side waiting room and let us draw.

And... I want to disbelieve what that part said, but I guess I don't. Of all of our memory blanks, that time period is one of the biggest. I don't remember anything about that school counselor except one thing. Even though I don't remember that counselor I do know it's an area I've always refused to think about or talk about. I do know that if we've gotten close before, we get incredibly triggered and other parts take over.

But this time, we actually told someone. This time we didn't start rapid switching and become so chaotic that telling was impossible and we just had to focus on safety. I feel super weird. I guess I'm dissociated. But somewhere in there, maybe, is ... relief ? Forty years later and we finally told
 
I think finally telling someone is one of the hardest parts of trauma recovery. It took me an entire year. 56 weeks. 56 therapy sessions to tell my therapist of the cult. After 10 yrs of keeping it to myself and never telling a soul. I was so terrified that I couldn't say it outloud and didn't call it a cult. That realization came way later. I had to write it down. Describe it for him on paper because I thought some how they would hear me.

That's the hardest part I think out of it all. So good on you! So proud of you!
 
when we told, we actually felt relieved. I didn't expect that. Now though, we are really disconnected. Nothing feels very real

I think that's the last big sort of secret we've been carrying around

and... umm... logically, I know this is probably not true but, the fact that the dad was abusing us sexually and this counselor does makes it seem like it really was about us. why did they both do it, when the body was so young?
 
and... umm... logically, I know this is probably not true but, the fact that the dad was abusing us sexually and this counselor does makes it seem like it really was about us. why did they both do it, when the body was so young?
Why do people beat and starve their dogs? Is it the dog’s fault?

How about puppies? Clearly it’s much more okay to hurt puppies? After all, they might pee on the rug or chew the furniture. Clearly those crimes rate abusing them, right?

When you start blaming yourself, remember you were a puppy. Who trusted the people in your life to look after you. Nothing you did as a puppy rated how you were treated. It’s not the puppy’s fault. It’s not your fault.
 
@Friday heh, thanks for putting it in the context I understand best. Animals.

///

I don't understand why we held onto this particular thing for so long. We've been telling, bit by bit, the things the dad did to us. We've talked about the other abuse, physical and emotional, family members did to us. But this we never told.

Everything was so awful then. home was not good and we'd been so excited about going to shcool. And then we were "retarded" and couldn't do what other kids could do. And they taunted and buliied us and the teachers acted like we were a burden. And we had all this testing which showed the dyslexia, dysgraphia, etc etc all these stupid learning disabilities but they said we'd learn to adapt. But it also showed we had low self-esteem and so the school counselor and he was supposed to help. what we remember is him telling us to think positive. that was the "counseling" that happened besides the abuse that happened. so we learned to pretend. if we were fine and positivve and cheerful, we weren't a problem. if we were fine and cheerful and positive, we woudln't need help. we wouldn't need the counselor or to the mom's pity or the dad's screaming. we split (again, I guess) and created a new part, which was what everyone wanted. the counselor had to know how bad things were for us. we weren't old enough to have plans to kill ourself but we dind't want to be alive. is that what made it so easy for him?

and why didn't we tell? how many other kids did he do this to? we didn't tell so that means we didn't stop him.

I wish we could cry. we need to cry.
 
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