BoN-bOn
MyPTSD Pro
I had an awful dream last night. One of those dreams that felt SO real. I woke up with tears streaming down my face & the tears haven’t stopped all day.
I dreamed about my family. Actually, I shouldn’t call them my family...maybe just label them bio-mess! My mom, who passed away some time ago, my Dad, & 2 siblings were all in a hospital room & I was the nurse taking care of my mom. I kept trying to talk to them but was completely ignored! It was almost as if I was invisible. I kept trying to be included but I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me! They all left & my mom was wheeled away on the stretcher & I told her I loved her but she didn’t answer.
I began writing when I woke up. I am supposed to be writing down how situations made me feel about MYSELF for EMDR. I have had a really hard time doing that because I can never relate a feeling to a particular situation or circumstance...it all just becomes a jumbled up mess & everything starts to resurface & replay in my mind & I dissociate or shut down. There were too many traumas, too many feelings, too many memories. Last night it suddenly became clear that everything I was feeling when I woke up could be related to everything bad that’s ever happened! All of the things I felt in my dream were feelings I had when I was little, & can also be related to feelings I had during abuse, or even some of my anxiety/PTSD symptoms now. I just want to be SEEN & HEARD & LOVED. I want to feel good enough & significant!
I think i can finally lump things together instead of everything feeling like a tangled up ball of yarn. Maybe sometimes clarity is painful...but somehow it also seems a little bit freeing.
I dreamed about my family. Actually, I shouldn’t call them my family...maybe just label them bio-mess! My mom, who passed away some time ago, my Dad, & 2 siblings were all in a hospital room & I was the nurse taking care of my mom. I kept trying to talk to them but was completely ignored! It was almost as if I was invisible. I kept trying to be included but I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me! They all left & my mom was wheeled away on the stretcher & I told her I loved her but she didn’t answer.
I began writing when I woke up. I am supposed to be writing down how situations made me feel about MYSELF for EMDR. I have had a really hard time doing that because I can never relate a feeling to a particular situation or circumstance...it all just becomes a jumbled up mess & everything starts to resurface & replay in my mind & I dissociate or shut down. There were too many traumas, too many feelings, too many memories. Last night it suddenly became clear that everything I was feeling when I woke up could be related to everything bad that’s ever happened! All of the things I felt in my dream were feelings I had when I was little, & can also be related to feelings I had during abuse, or even some of my anxiety/PTSD symptoms now. I just want to be SEEN & HEARD & LOVED. I want to feel good enough & significant!
I think i can finally lump things together instead of everything feeling like a tangled up ball of yarn. Maybe sometimes clarity is painful...but somehow it also seems a little bit freeing.