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Clarity maybe?

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BoN-bOn

MyPTSD Pro
I had an awful dream last night. One of those dreams that felt SO real. I woke up with tears streaming down my face & the tears haven’t stopped all day.

I dreamed about my family. Actually, I shouldn’t call them my family...maybe just label them bio-mess! My mom, who passed away some time ago, my Dad, & 2 siblings were all in a hospital room & I was the nurse taking care of my mom. I kept trying to talk to them but was completely ignored! It was almost as if I was invisible. I kept trying to be included but I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me! They all left & my mom was wheeled away on the stretcher & I told her I loved her but she didn’t answer.

I began writing when I woke up. I am supposed to be writing down how situations made me feel about MYSELF for EMDR. I have had a really hard time doing that because I can never relate a feeling to a particular situation or circumstance...it all just becomes a jumbled up mess & everything starts to resurface & replay in my mind & I dissociate or shut down. There were too many traumas, too many feelings, too many memories. Last night it suddenly became clear that everything I was feeling when I woke up could be related to everything bad that’s ever happened! All of the things I felt in my dream were feelings I had when I was little, & can also be related to feelings I had during abuse, or even some of my anxiety/PTSD symptoms now. I just want to be SEEN & HEARD & LOVED. I want to feel good enough & significant!

I think i can finally lump things together instead of everything feeling like a tangled up ball of yarn. Maybe sometimes clarity is painful...but somehow it also seems a little bit freeing.
 
I kind of realized that too @EveHarrington after I posted that comment...I guess I didn’t really ask for any advice or any specific response. I just thought it was kind of funny that a dream could put things into perspective so well for me. I also thought it was funny that the setting of the dream was at work....the place in my life where I am most confident & sure of myself yet my family could still make me feel like I’m not of value & insignificant. I guess my brain is really trying to process things lately.

Thank you for listening. :)
 
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