Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
So... for a variety of reasons I've climbed into a financial hole. Actually, that should be fallen, into a financial hole. The biggest reason being I left a better paying job about 1.5 years ago, to follow my dreams and work full time with animals. The job I was at was stressing me out and had long departed with work that gave me meaning. So, I blame myself for being this poor. I blame myself for my debt. But see, I also don't regret it, so hows that for twisted. Add in injuries, paying for therapy out of pocket, car issues, etc etc and blah.
I don't have enough money to pay bills this month. I have stopped buying food for myself or even allergy medicine. I am giving the pets everything they need, of course.
So, my T was asking me about going to a food bank. And I told her about all this shame I'm carrying. I know most of this comes from my family of origin. They were judgmental jerks. Anyone in need of help was a failure. I don't believe that. I've never believed that.
So... there's a food bank that's open today and another that's open tomorrow. The one that is open tomorrow I actually volunteer at once a month. I give out pet food. I've also volunteered a fair bit with the homeless community in my area. So, I feel like I am going to be judged by them, which is probably incredibly dumb.
I don't know what I want from this post. I just figure, if I say it and deal with my feelings it's going to be better than stuffing it. And there shouldn't be shame. Not the way this world is. Not when there are so many things that can bring a person down. Not when so many people are born already in the whole of poverty.
Ive been this poor twice before. Once as a kid, so my parents were the ones dealing with a lot of the ramifications. We always had food, we just didn't have a lot and it was cheap food. The other time I was this poor, I had more people in my life. And, I don't know why, people felt the need to feed me. A neighbor shared her excess WIC stuff, a friend's mom (my other mom) would give me leftovers, so would my parents and for much of that time I worked in a kitchen. This time I'm on my own, with 5 pets and more to loose (home, car). Ok, I'm done now.
PS- I am hustling my ass trying to find more work and more hours but I'm scared about that because I know there's a limit to how much stress I can deal with before I become a bigger mental wreck than I am.
I don't have enough money to pay bills this month. I have stopped buying food for myself or even allergy medicine. I am giving the pets everything they need, of course.
So, my T was asking me about going to a food bank. And I told her about all this shame I'm carrying. I know most of this comes from my family of origin. They were judgmental jerks. Anyone in need of help was a failure. I don't believe that. I've never believed that.
So... there's a food bank that's open today and another that's open tomorrow. The one that is open tomorrow I actually volunteer at once a month. I give out pet food. I've also volunteered a fair bit with the homeless community in my area. So, I feel like I am going to be judged by them, which is probably incredibly dumb.
I don't know what I want from this post. I just figure, if I say it and deal with my feelings it's going to be better than stuffing it. And there shouldn't be shame. Not the way this world is. Not when there are so many things that can bring a person down. Not when so many people are born already in the whole of poverty.
Ive been this poor twice before. Once as a kid, so my parents were the ones dealing with a lot of the ramifications. We always had food, we just didn't have a lot and it was cheap food. The other time I was this poor, I had more people in my life. And, I don't know why, people felt the need to feed me. A neighbor shared her excess WIC stuff, a friend's mom (my other mom) would give me leftovers, so would my parents and for much of that time I worked in a kitchen. This time I'm on my own, with 5 pets and more to loose (home, car). Ok, I'm done now.
PS- I am hustling my ass trying to find more work and more hours but I'm scared about that because I know there's a limit to how much stress I can deal with before I become a bigger mental wreck than I am.