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A food bank - a huge trigger

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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry to post again guys. I'm doing my best to navigate this but I thought this needed it's own thread.

I have been on the search on how to save back some money and came to the conclusion that I needed some help with buying food. I sent in an application to Second Harvest food bank. The biggest food bank in the area. They emailed me back two churches to call that apparently give out food. Churches are HUGE triggers. I grew up in a religious cult. The last time I was in a church my dad had to come with and I was disocciated the entire time and have no memory of even being there. I would disocciate on the drive over and made a scene many times. Second Harvest food bank isn't a church and I was doing my best to avoid churches and now I'm forced to face the biggest one...call and go in one.

I have a service dog in training, Chopper, and that helps. There is no way on this green earth I could do that alone. I'm afraid I'd disocciate on the way there and end up crashing my car. But even with Chopper, I don't know that I can do it. Sucking it up and just doing it isn't going to cut it I don't think. I'm in a complete panic just thinking about calling them. I don't even know how to suck it up enough to call.

God, I'm trying so hard but everywhere I turn it's not hard enough. How do I manage these f*cking triggers? I'm sure that with Chopper being there and being trained to react to disocciation I won't disocciate so deeply like I used to but I don't even know how to put one foot out to start putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm sorry I'm being a baby. I feel like a useless piece of shit at the moment. I don't know anyone here and my dad won't be willing to help me with this. Any ideas on even just calling them?
 
Would it help to name it the food bank? With no affiliation to the church. Take your dog and get in and out as fast as possible.take them empty bags when you go, they need a lot of them.
 
Would it help to name it the food bank?

No, tried that mind game already. My mind is like "you aint bullshitting me!"

Some food banks will deliver

Holy shit! They do? I still gotta figure out how to make the damn call. I looked for a website for specificlly the food (this one was tough as I'm weeding through a bunch of church/god stuff) and there is only a mention with the phone number that they gave me in the email. f*ck! If only we could online order and then deliver food from a food bank! Come on people! It's the technology age for christ's sake!

take them empty bags when you go, they need a lot of them.

As in bring empty bags to give to them or use empty reuseable bags to put my food in? I shop at Aldi so got a shit ton of reuseable bags!
 
First off, stop beating yourself up for not being able to do this without being triggered. It's ok. Wipe that thought away and go from there. Can you ask someone else to call? The place I go to is also a thrift store run by all the churches, but does not subject you to their beliefs. If it's like that, you will be able to go in like a pro.

As to how to manage the triggers, you have to start with the thought, and be present with the thought. It takes a while to learn to control triggers, have you asked your therapist for help with this, or are you not there yet? It's ok if you're not, but my therapist was very helpful.
 
Bring it to therapy and do some EMDR around it? The issue is specific enough, it may be able to be isolated and addressed w/o needing to get into the entire scope of your trauma narrative.

If you are really just unable to deal with the stress of it - have you done a full budget breakdown on paper of your past food expenditures v how it can be cut down? Might be that you can bring the cost down far enough to be able to shop, at least for a few weeks (2-4) while working up to managing anxiety through the church trigger.

Looking up the churches online so you can at least see the outsides of the buildings would also give you a good step, in terms of exposure therapy preparation.
 
Also - just to remind you of your capabilities - you posted this recently, on another thread:
I do explode (now more contriubuted to PTSD then BPD as they are caused by pure anxiety and panic and hyper arrousal) but that is my behavior that I must control. My therapist taught me how to feel it coming on. To feel the anxiety rising before the kaboom but either way, it is my reaponsibility to control my behavior.
I must find something (leaving, deep breathing, changing the subject, hanging up, ignore, go into another room, DBT therapies, or anything else) to control my behavior.
I know those statements were specifically in re: anger/outburst management, but as you’ve said - the anger rises from panic/anxiety/hyperarousal, and you’ve learned to notice it rising and re-direct.

So, this is just a different application. The redirect can’t be leaving - but breathing, DBT, ignore (sort of like turning the mind in DBT) - these all apply.

See it as an opportunity to conquer something.
 
So, this is just a different application. The redirect can’t be leaving - but breathing, DBT, ignore (sort of like turning the mind in DBT) - these all apply.

I did try these things and will continue to do so as I know that these things will help. But, just a brief difference. I was taught to notice it, not stop it. Nothing was able to help me stop it and if I wasn't able to get myself away from my dad & step mom or if they didn't stop, an explosion would happen 100% of the time. I've never been able to obtain the skills to stop the explosion. Ever. I know its about noticing it and then redirecting it as my therapist talks about it a lot but I've never been able to do it. That's what I have to do here. Not just notice and avoid but stop it. And it's a heavy feat for sure!
 
If I were in your shoes, I'd contact Second Harvest again and tell them about your situation. With their setup, they might have separate organizations that do delivery if you would be unable to go to the church and pick up your food. I woud be surprised if you couldn't get food delivered to you, but the churches might not be the first choice to talk to even without it being a trigger. The people at food banks don't always have experience with people with mental illnesses.
 
Not just notice and avoid but stop it. And it's a heavy feat for sure!
It is a heavy feat, yes, but I’m guessing there’s a time when the idea of noticing and avoiding felt like a heavy feat too? These are skills, learned over a long period of time, which help you overcome a lifetime of programming. Sometimes the skill clicks right away and sometimes it takes you really pushing against yourself - of course it’s hard, if it was easy you’d have done it already.

As far as the food bank goes, it’s going to be hard because most food banks are charitable organisations run from churches so if you’re going to need one, it’s really worth working on this trigger. It may be worth exploring where in the church the food bank operates from - it’s ofen a separate entrance from where the congregation gather, which might be easier. I’d echo the suggestion to do emdr on this - it may be specific enough to desensitise enough to get you over the door.
 
I missed this:

Bring it to therapy

I am. I have therapy today and plan on talking about it.

have you done a full budget breakdown on paper of your past food expenditures v how it can be cut down? Might be that you can bring the cost down far enough to be able to shop, at least for a few weeks (2-4) while working up to managing anxiety through the church trigger.

I have written it all down and the only thing I can see that can be done to bring it down is meal planning. I'm waiting on the small crock pot to do most of the meal planning. That small crock pot will help a ton! My dad is supposed to be bringing it over today. Im stock piling receipts for the crock pot that include a lot of rice and beans as they are cheap and hardy. I also learned how to make your own instant oatmeal that I'm going to try. I eat instant oatmeal and fruit at work for lunch as I can make it from the boiling water in the coffee pot or water filter and then eat while walking to the break room. A 30 min lunch and inability to pee very quickly means 30 mins isn't a whole lot of time to eat as well. But do plan to take the crock pot meals to work so we'll see how that turns out.

But normal meal planning I am still learning how to do and deploying it slowly into my life.

Looking up the churches online so you can at least see the outsides of the buildings would also give you a good step, in terms of exposure therapy preparation.

That's a good idea. My therapist and I did google earth once. It was traveling down the road to the house of hell and I freaked but maybe a good thing to do in therapy? I'm not sure if its a good idea or not to do alone. Not sure how far that would push me alone. But, will try.

It is a heavy feat, yes, but I’m guessing there’s a time when the idea of noticing and avoiding felt like a heavy feat too?

Indeed it did.

It may be worth exploring where in the church the food bank operates from - it’s ofen a separate entrance from where the congregation gather, which might be easier

Is there a way to find this out without calling them? Like, is it something found online? I couldn't dig through their sites long before I was triggered like mad. I did find where they have the food bank stuff on their sites but only a phone number. Nothing about where they give out the food. I haven't done a google search on the address or google earth search to see if there was a seperare building though. Plan to do that. But if its the same building and seperate enterance I likely wont see if unless its pointed out.
 
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