DogwoodTree
MyPTSD Pro
I talked with my T today about a conversation with my mom where I felt she de-valued some of my contribution to our work (I work with/for her in the family business). It was a significant contribution, requiring a lot of time and energy investment as well as financial from my own resources...she had said it was required, but she never requires my sister to do it (who also works with us at the same level as I do)...and yet I never complain and I do it well. Last week, we were talking with a customer, and I mentioned something I had learned from that particular task that was relevant to the conversation, but my mom said my experience was "an anomaly" and therefore not relevant to the customer's concerns. Obviously I didn't confront her in front of the customer, and I told my T today that I felt devalued and angry about what she had said, and I had it in my notes to possibly address it at the next family therapy session (which is with a different T).
Clearly, without knowing more details, no one here nor my T can make a professional assessment of whether my statements were actually relevant or anomalous. That's not really what I want to ask about anyway...in the long run, it doesn't really matter. My T's response was that his perception of my mom's comments was that she simply disagreed and that there is the possibility my experience was anomalous and it wasn't that big of a deal that my mom disagreed with my observations and resultant assertions in that conversation. My reaction to his statement was...how can I ever build a logical response to something my mom says if I can't determine what's real or what's not, if I can't discern between simple disagreements or gaslighting-ish devaluation?
I have asperger's, so I rely heavily on logic to determine how to interact with people. Logic requires a relative amount of certainty about what's true and what isn't. Neurotypicals (NTs) interact with people more intuitively, with lots of room for abstraction, variation, emotion, irrationality, paradox, subjectivity, metaphor, ad lib, whatever. I can't do that. I need to know what the facts of a conversation are, and build responses based on those facts. But if I can't determine whether something someone has said is essentially undermining or not, then how can I protect myself?
So, okay. T sees it one way, and I see it another. Or...am I over-reacting? Maybe my mom really didn't mean it badly? Maybe she really did just disagree? And isn't that my T's job, to identify areas where I'm over-reacting, point them out to me, and help me choose less reactive interpretations of people's words and behaviors?
So here's my question really...
How can I know when to trust my perceptions, or when my perceptions are skewed?
I have family therapy with my mom and sister later this week, and I have several items from our last session that I intended to address. Some of these, I've already gone over with my T and he's agreed my concerns are legitimate. But he's also told me I need to trust myself more, and if I feel my mom is making a dig or whatever, then she probably is. But...today I felt like he contradicted that position by saying that his impression was that my mom's statements to the customer were benign, and that I was just seeing them through my own subjective lens.
I've waffled back and forth all day from...my perceptions are completely unreliable and I should just shut up and never assert my opinions ever again...to...my T doesn't have a clue what's he doing and can't recognize gaslighting when it slaps him in the face...to...I pay him so much money because he's good at what he does and why would I bother going to therapy if I'm not going to listen to what he says...to...I'm done with this whole therapy sham and with peopling and with humanity and I'm going to become a hermit (which is truly a temptation for me, not just an exaggeration)...to...my T is good on some things, but he missed this, and I can't trust his opinion on the issues with my mom anymore so I just won't talk about her with him anymore...to...I should email him and tell him all these things I'm thinking, but that won't resolve a single thing before the family therapy session on Friday, and I don't know how in the world I'll hold my ground on anything in that session if there's any doubt as to my ability to somewhat accurately perceive reality.
I spent about half of today's session in a tailspin, consumed with self-hatred. It's not that I'm bothered by T's disagreeing with me, or even with my mom disagreeing with me. The problem is that my logic can't handle human relationships...real, messy, unpredictable, irrational human relationships...and I really would just rather give up at this point. T said today that I have a right to choose to what depth I engage with other people, and to set boundaries around that engagement at the level that is good for me. And so...I kinda quit talking to him in the middle of the session. If he asked me a question, I attempted to answer, but mostly I just felt over-exposed and yet totally disconnected and didn't offer anything he didn't ask for. As a general rule, I try to open up and be vulnerable, but there's no emotional connection in it for me, so it's kinda like consenting to intimate physical contact when nothing in me wants it or can enjoy it on any level. And today I despised the fact he knew anything about me at all and that I couldn't disappear from his consciousness and never be seen again, by anyone, anywhere, throughout all of history.
I realize that part is an over-reaction. But going forward, how do I know when my mom is making a dig at me, vs when I'm over-interpreting her behavior and words? Or...how do I handle the uncertainty of not knowing?
And...how do I balance learning from my T-the-expert, vs trusting my own perceptions?
And...how do I explain all of this to my T? I feel like he dismissed and minimized my concerns...but I also feel like I missed what it was he was trying to tell me...but I also don't think he really has any answers because I'm too screwed up to be fixed...but I also can't give up because I can't keep living like this...but I'm hurting so deeply and so horribly inside and there's nowhere for it to go because I never feel "connected" to anyone or comforted by anyone's efforts to connect...and basically the only solution I've come up with is getting better at tolerating the pain and shame and loneliness and hopelessness that the healing I need from the trauma is basically impossible because of the aspergers, and I'm so, so tired, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Clearly, without knowing more details, no one here nor my T can make a professional assessment of whether my statements were actually relevant or anomalous. That's not really what I want to ask about anyway...in the long run, it doesn't really matter. My T's response was that his perception of my mom's comments was that she simply disagreed and that there is the possibility my experience was anomalous and it wasn't that big of a deal that my mom disagreed with my observations and resultant assertions in that conversation. My reaction to his statement was...how can I ever build a logical response to something my mom says if I can't determine what's real or what's not, if I can't discern between simple disagreements or gaslighting-ish devaluation?
I have asperger's, so I rely heavily on logic to determine how to interact with people. Logic requires a relative amount of certainty about what's true and what isn't. Neurotypicals (NTs) interact with people more intuitively, with lots of room for abstraction, variation, emotion, irrationality, paradox, subjectivity, metaphor, ad lib, whatever. I can't do that. I need to know what the facts of a conversation are, and build responses based on those facts. But if I can't determine whether something someone has said is essentially undermining or not, then how can I protect myself?
So, okay. T sees it one way, and I see it another. Or...am I over-reacting? Maybe my mom really didn't mean it badly? Maybe she really did just disagree? And isn't that my T's job, to identify areas where I'm over-reacting, point them out to me, and help me choose less reactive interpretations of people's words and behaviors?
So here's my question really...
How can I know when to trust my perceptions, or when my perceptions are skewed?
I have family therapy with my mom and sister later this week, and I have several items from our last session that I intended to address. Some of these, I've already gone over with my T and he's agreed my concerns are legitimate. But he's also told me I need to trust myself more, and if I feel my mom is making a dig or whatever, then she probably is. But...today I felt like he contradicted that position by saying that his impression was that my mom's statements to the customer were benign, and that I was just seeing them through my own subjective lens.
I've waffled back and forth all day from...my perceptions are completely unreliable and I should just shut up and never assert my opinions ever again...to...my T doesn't have a clue what's he doing and can't recognize gaslighting when it slaps him in the face...to...I pay him so much money because he's good at what he does and why would I bother going to therapy if I'm not going to listen to what he says...to...I'm done with this whole therapy sham and with peopling and with humanity and I'm going to become a hermit (which is truly a temptation for me, not just an exaggeration)...to...my T is good on some things, but he missed this, and I can't trust his opinion on the issues with my mom anymore so I just won't talk about her with him anymore...to...I should email him and tell him all these things I'm thinking, but that won't resolve a single thing before the family therapy session on Friday, and I don't know how in the world I'll hold my ground on anything in that session if there's any doubt as to my ability to somewhat accurately perceive reality.
I spent about half of today's session in a tailspin, consumed with self-hatred. It's not that I'm bothered by T's disagreeing with me, or even with my mom disagreeing with me. The problem is that my logic can't handle human relationships...real, messy, unpredictable, irrational human relationships...and I really would just rather give up at this point. T said today that I have a right to choose to what depth I engage with other people, and to set boundaries around that engagement at the level that is good for me. And so...I kinda quit talking to him in the middle of the session. If he asked me a question, I attempted to answer, but mostly I just felt over-exposed and yet totally disconnected and didn't offer anything he didn't ask for. As a general rule, I try to open up and be vulnerable, but there's no emotional connection in it for me, so it's kinda like consenting to intimate physical contact when nothing in me wants it or can enjoy it on any level. And today I despised the fact he knew anything about me at all and that I couldn't disappear from his consciousness and never be seen again, by anyone, anywhere, throughout all of history.
I realize that part is an over-reaction. But going forward, how do I know when my mom is making a dig at me, vs when I'm over-interpreting her behavior and words? Or...how do I handle the uncertainty of not knowing?
And...how do I balance learning from my T-the-expert, vs trusting my own perceptions?
And...how do I explain all of this to my T? I feel like he dismissed and minimized my concerns...but I also feel like I missed what it was he was trying to tell me...but I also don't think he really has any answers because I'm too screwed up to be fixed...but I also can't give up because I can't keep living like this...but I'm hurting so deeply and so horribly inside and there's nowhere for it to go because I never feel "connected" to anyone or comforted by anyone's efforts to connect...and basically the only solution I've come up with is getting better at tolerating the pain and shame and loneliness and hopelessness that the healing I need from the trauma is basically impossible because of the aspergers, and I'm so, so tired, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.