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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

But she bought me food, so that’ll have to act like an apology because it would be childish to expect perfect respect 100% of time, even if I think I deserve it
ok.....I want this to come across as supportive -- so if I screw it up please forgive me :):):chicken: but I have a couple people in my life who are just like this.

Sometimes people simply can't apologize. It's not part of their make up. It doesn't make them bad or good people because they may feel bad or sorry. They don't know how to say it. It's the same with respect. Sometimes they can't find the words. So instead they try to show you by their actions. They bring food, or they compliment what you are wearing even though you know they hate that outfit, or they mow your grass or blah blah. Then it's up to us to decide - is this an apology? Are they behaving this way because they want to make it better? Or do they feel guilty? well -- if they feel guilty then we know they know they were wrong and they feel bad.

The problem is that it leaves us to decide -- is this enough? Do we need the words "I'm sorry" or can we accept the repentance of attention? I don't always have the answer when it happens to me.... but sometimes if I look at it as a wordless apology it can make me feel better about how they acted and I can forgive them.
 
That makes sense.

It really hurt. I’m frequently invalidated by family. When I tell a story and get confused, they make broken skull jokes, and then talk about something else.

It doesn’t happen when I’m feeling confident. But too many has been happening and I can’t recuperate. And my new sister in law wants to go through my stuff and clean out anything not girly enough, and it spends spoons to figure out how to refuse politely. And then hear her say that being gay is a sin, and know she’s having high risk pregnancy but STILL refusing to see doctors, also literally standing so close to me when I’m in corners that she’s touching me, also coming in my room without knocking, standing and staring at me in an attempt to frighten me — she’ll be living in my house for up to a year. I have this dorm for another ten days. Then Isaac’s for a month. Then likely just home again, though at least I tried to be away for a while. But now it’s more stressful, and I did ask her to stop but...

Plus the desk I put together last week was not prepared correctly so I can’t put the drawers in. There’s just way too much happening. I can’t relax.

I bought a new doorknob that locks though, so when I stay at home again two weeks from now (bringing bird to vet again), I can change it out so the door will lock. The sister in law gets easily offended and raises her voice. So I need to do it when she’s not watching. She doesn’t believe in locked doors.

I wish my dad hadn’t abused me in that house. It would make things easier to handle. Except for the baby who’s probably not going to make it to term. Such... idiocy. She wants my brother, my austistic brother who can’t pick up a cat or a baby, to deliver their baby. Just.. this is why you don’t marry someone you barely know. She thinks ultrasounds and microwaves cause cancer. Yet she uses cell phones and lights that give off the same amount of radiation.

If she doesn’t vaccinate the child, if the baby lives, I will sneak that child out. I’m not kidding
 
There were actually a lot of triggers this weekend. Way, way too many. I was originally feeling less overwhelmed, but I got back to a very messy house. As I do usually, I decided to continue trying to at least make my room comfortable.

Made a lot of progress. I find myself keeping things I was told by my mom that we need. So I need to just get rid of it when my mom isn’t seeing it. Or tell her to take it into her room, because I’m tired of her implying that her hoards of stuff is more important than the clean, comfortable space I deserve.

Then the desk happened. Not a trigger, but I was already upset because the sister in law kept sneaking in to scare me. Even after I explained that I have a medical condition that makes it a very bad idea to do so. (I did it very politely, then accepted that I need to come up with a solution on my end because she’s so immature for a twenty-year-old). She kept getting way too close, kept pointing out how much stuff was on the bed and what time it was, kept referring to gay people as “those types”... the cornering thing is what finally got me.

Then while trying to concentrate to make the desk, my mom and sister-in-law were calling me repeatedly with weird comments and questions, making it even harder to put the stupid thing together. Should only have taken an hour. They interrupted me for a full two hours for a “quick” dinner which is something I’m vaguely allergic to, but which they think I’m making it up or am just confused, so I ate it without saying anything because it doesn’t matter either way. My brother-in-law started yelling at my dog. Insulting her for doing commands I was asking her to do. Calling her “dog.” He’s also rude though, but I was unable to handle it so I went outside and did a puzzle. My family was yelling from inside the house that I was supposed to be serving them cake (it was half playful) so I did a puzzle. I was really trying to just be positive and move on.

I was supposed to have a date that night, but everything prevented that. Just everything. So that’s down the drain. And the sister-in-law was going to be insulting about it.

Today in the car it got worse, because I asked my mom how to tell my brother-in-law to be kinder to my dog. I told her that I doubted that he even knew she was tasking. (I’m trying to limit the amount of re-training later.) She started interrogating me on it instead of offering advice, which is all I wanted. Then she defended him. I instantly had a flashback of her defending him and saying I was just a teenager when I tried to say that he wasn’t treating us right while helping us clean our house. So I got upset. I mentioned something about how my room would look nice by now if he hadn’t tried to help. Which is true. He used my room as storage for the rest of the house.

My mom apparently doesn’t think that’s a bad thing, because when I said my room would have looked nice, she said, in a demeaning tone, “You mean that box he put in your room?”

I felt intimidated. I was trapped in the car. She turns the wheel to make me car sick if I’m so much as a little late getting out the door. I once tried to confront her about it. She then spent the next hour telling me she had every right to treat me like that if I made her mad.

So I went mute. I couldn’t help it. But she kept asking questions, started getting angrier and angrier. So finally I managed, “Maybe we’ll talk about it later.”

To which she replied angrily, “Don’t bring it up if you don’t want to talk about it.” Something Brandi used to say to me before something bad (I can’t talk about what) would happen.

So then I was crying in the car. She kept hitting the steering wheel in anger and I was trying so hard to stop, because I knew it was going to ruin my day to cry. I’ve got an awful headache now and am so depressed.

I felt invalidated and like I don’t matter. She doesn’t care about me at all. I just offend her. She doesn’t even listen to me when I talk. She just wants me to do chores and get along with everyone and not make her mad.

So I’m not certain if her buying food was an apology exactly.

I do know I don’t want to move back in. I had a better rest of the day but I feel like a burden. I feel like no one likes me, like no one would ever think of me if I needed something. Which can’t be true, logically. So I’m challenging it currently with all the support for Nestle. My boss going shopping for me to prevent me from going in a store alone.

I just wish my family took me seriously. My little brother does. My sister might, but I’m afraid of that.

I don’t know. It’s exhaustjng to keep trying to be positive here. I’m going to though. Moping isn’t exactly healthy nor useful.
 
To clarify, the quick dinner was at my sister’s house, so I had to wait for my mom to finish dinner. It was either the meal I’m vaguely allergic to or no food that night. My brother-in-law is my sister’s husband.

And the reason the date didn’t work out was a combination of our horrible house and that my family basically prevented it. I don’t want to explain because honestly it doesn’t matter anymore.
 
I’m not even sure I should go to work tomorrow. I’m sitting here pushing back suicidal thoughts, which I’m told are normal to have with multiple TBIs and PTSD and being overwhelmed, and don’t mean anything bad about me nor that I’m going to do anything bad. But I hate being this upset. I’m not fun this way. I’m not a person people like to be around when I’m like this. And it makes it hard to concentrate.

So I guess I’ll take a shit ton of ibuprofen and Acetaminophen, all the anxiety medication I have been prescribed, some melatonin, and some allergy medication, and the hormone and antibiotics. I found my missing physical therapy ribbon, so that should be a good activity to help me calm down. Less back pain and hip/thigh/knee pain.

My leg is messed up though. Had a cramp so bad that it literally bruised. My mom thought that was not very interesting apparently.

I’m probably just salty though. My off-duty doggo seems to think I’m very wound up. There’s just too much to at once. We can all handle lil chucks way better
 
I took @Swift ‘s advice and it worked:

Basically, I try to get my body to send some "we're okay" signals to my brain, and that seems to help. Tense your muscles for a coupla seconds and relax.
Also, chewing gum. Our chewing circuit communicates directly with lizard brain that we're actually okay, because if you're being attacked by a mammoth, you don't stop for a snack.
Calming smells, deep breathing and tactile stimulation also work well, but in my experience the chewing works the best.

Click the little blue arrow in the box go get to the full post. I highly recommend it :)
 
Someone stole my bike.

I want to cancel Nestle’s Surgery because everything is going wrong. I don’t want her to go wrong.

I need to go to a hospital. I can’t afford it. I can’t bring Nestle. There’s got to be something else I could do.

Ideas:
(1) Go swimming tomorrow. Making plans is helpful, as is exercise. Because someone stole that bike I don’t know how to get Nestle there, but maybe if I force myself to reach out someone will support me.
(2) my therapist doesn’t do phone call sessions but maybe a crisis line would.
(3) stop telling yourself you’re a weak shit, that’s stupid

I don’t even want to post this. Why can’t I handle things that adults can?
 
Why do I feel like all the good news is going to backfire? Can I get a break now?

Bright side I noticed earlier: this would have sucked a lot more if I still also had to be fungus for Brandi. I really don’t miss her. She would have been jealous of my support and told me I couldn’t have it. That I owe her somehow.

I realized years ago that my mom and Brandi have a lot in common. Suddenly it’s been bothering me a lot this week.
 
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