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Repetitive pathological behavior

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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I am creating most of this. My world or "the reflection of myself I see on the inside of the trauma shell," is something I constantly recreate with my will, by the power of my own words and actions. The trauma sets it up. Then it's just a pattern and you live in it. It looks as though you are surrounded by things you can't change or influence but in reality you put them there or, they are you.

I knew this before I started trauma therapy. Now I hope I am starting to see little glimpses of what's causing it and how I can do things differently and so, change it. There is a blindness around my behavior and how it contributes to these situations and how I set them up and control them. It's as though someone else were doing it. I remember thinking it was the abuser internalized who was doing it and that is true in a certain way. It's me though it's like me when I was little. Moving the pieces around on the chessboard.

You wouldn't think you had that much power. You'd think you were a lot more helpless and like a victim or a sufferer or a sick person. It is and it's not? The therapist has said to me multiple times "you like it," or "you're invested in it and you do things to keep it that way."
 
Hi Mach123. I think I get what you're saying. Tell me if I'm getting it wrong. There are two things I was picking up on that I wanted to respond to. First, as far as doing stuff from your own "will," I think I understand the struggle behind that. Although I was a depressed kid and angry teen, I don't think I truly broke mentally until I became a young adult when I went out into the world and made choices according to my own "will". But of course, I was so scrambled inside that I made some pretty bad choices. The ones that haunt me the most are the times I was unkind, hurtful, etc. (btw, I'm kind of a goodie-goodie, so it doesn't take a lot to make me feel this way). As an adult, not only was my life messed up, but it was ALL MY FAULT because it was my will, my choices. I can take a more compassionate view of myself, but one thing that I can't run away from is the fact that I am the sole person responsible for my life, s**tty parts and all.

This relates to the other thing I think you were saying which is that a lot of times, I'm blinded to all the ways my trauma informs me, so I don't even know what I'm fighting or that I need to fight. It's like a filter that affects everything I see and do, but I can't see the filter because it's a part of how I see. Once in a while, I'll discover that it's the filter! So I try to take it off. But I keep finding that there are more layers of filters.

The thought that I find most motivating and helpful is that I want my authentic self as far as that's possible. I am not going to roll over and let my parents or generational abuse or whatever control me forever inside my head. I do think that there is an authentic-ish self there that can be restored and/or built. I know because I've gotten of sense of it in my healing process.

But I do think that real-time reality is the ultimate litmus test - I think we need to try to make it work in this reality. I also think there are motivations in the real world that sometimes enables our dysfunctions. For example, I think way too many mothers/fathers stay with their significant other to keep up a nice living and due to fear of the unknown rather than protect their kids. I've probably spent too much time being codependent because it makes me feel needed despite the heartache that goes with it. I don't think these motivations are solely due to trauma.
 
Yes, the filter and then talking and acting in ways that make it complete. So I'm really doing it. It's really coming from me, but most of it is subconscious. I could see the results of it, the way things went always. It's a pattern. Self-fulfilling prophecy on steroids. I wanted to mention you because it was your post in the other thread that got me thinking about this.
 
Much like moving from abusive relationship, to abusive relationship, to abusive relationship?

And the insistence / belief that “this” person is different, from day 1, no matter how many people are shouting and waving their arms saying they’re not? (or that they can be changed, or that they love you enough to change, or they’re too important/special/needed to leave, or that “all” relationships are like this, etc. if the abuse is recognized). The absolute insistence of only being IN abusive relationships?

The whole... you’re not responsible for other people’s behaviors, and the common denominator being you doesn’t mean you “like” being abused nor that you “deserve” to be abused... but that you are the one seeking out abusive people to partner with & befriend, and you are the one insisting on staying in them no matter how bad they get? That in order to end the abuse cycle, you are the only one who has the power to stop aligning with abusers?

That kind of pathological behavior?
 
Yes, the filter and then talking and acting in ways that make it complete. So I'm really doing it. It...
Yeah, subconscious. It pays games with you because at the time, it makes perfect sense. Freud had the theory that the only way denial works is if it can use a "mask" that is acceptable. That's the only way self-destructive crap can get past the "censors" of repression. It fools us into thinking it's a good idea at the time.
 
It's like a flash memory out of the subconscious. The "If I do this, that will happen," is broken. Rather it already knows but it won't let the warning or the knowledge into your conscious. I felt always like I didn't have a clear picture of myself. I just couldn't see how I was acting. I would think I was being like friendly and nice and someone would start yelling at me and accusing me of doing this or that, which I probably was, I just didn't see it. Plus I had secrets that were so big even I couldn't know them. Then it was just like You know what? This is just going to keep happening. Things are just always going to be like this. Then I got depressed when I realized that. It was sometime after I got married. When I got married I thought it was going to change everything and like save me. oops
 
It feels fatalistic sometimes, just like the Greek heroes who got slapped in the face with their fates no matter how hard they tried to run away from them. But our fates are internally driven. I hate to bring up Freud again, but he thought that we had unconscious wishes that sometimes were self-destructive or destructive of others, but if our conscious brains were aware they were destructive, they would be stopped. So instead, these wishes find some way to make sense or be desirable to "fool" the censors. They use our good intentions as an unsuspecting means for fulfilling their goals.

That doesn't really help give you any solutions. There used to be a lot more distance between my intent and what I was actually doing, and I would often walk away from a conversation convinced I'd piss someone off without meaning to. But I do think that progress in my healing has helped me not to be so in conflict with myself. When I started giving myself what I needed in my imagination, there was less anger. But you're saying that it hasn't gotten better?

I definitely think a nurturing partner can help us heal and provide a base for growth, but that depends on the luck of the draw, and it probably isn't realistic to think that other people can give us everything we need.
 
Hi Mach123. I think I get what you're saying. Tell me if I'm getting it wrong. There are two thin...

Wow! Precious Child. Just wanted to say THANK YOU for writing this post. Just amazing. Thank you. It touched so many things I felt and feeling and going through but you put it so succinctly!
 
Hey Mach123
You mentioned another topic written by PreciousChild that reminded you to post this one. Could you kindly put the link here so I can find it? I am really interested in this sort of thing because I am at that junction of seeing glimpses out of the filter and want to learn more.

greatly appreciated at your efforts.
 
Hi @grit, I really appreciate you saying that my comments were helpful. Any insights I've acquired has been earned with a lot of sweat and tears. I think @Mach123 was referring to my "I'm dysfunctionally nice" thread but not sure that's about the concept of "filters". They're the hardest dragons to conquer in my fight for healing. I'd be interested in hearing about your process.
 
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