Mach123
MyPTSD Pro
I am creating most of this. My world or "the reflection of myself I see on the inside of the trauma shell," is something I constantly recreate with my will, by the power of my own words and actions. The trauma sets it up. Then it's just a pattern and you live in it. It looks as though you are surrounded by things you can't change or influence but in reality you put them there or, they are you.
I knew this before I started trauma therapy. Now I hope I am starting to see little glimpses of what's causing it and how I can do things differently and so, change it. There is a blindness around my behavior and how it contributes to these situations and how I set them up and control them. It's as though someone else were doing it. I remember thinking it was the abuser internalized who was doing it and that is true in a certain way. It's me though it's like me when I was little. Moving the pieces around on the chessboard.
You wouldn't think you had that much power. You'd think you were a lot more helpless and like a victim or a sufferer or a sick person. It is and it's not? The therapist has said to me multiple times "you like it," or "you're invested in it and you do things to keep it that way."
I knew this before I started trauma therapy. Now I hope I am starting to see little glimpses of what's causing it and how I can do things differently and so, change it. There is a blindness around my behavior and how it contributes to these situations and how I set them up and control them. It's as though someone else were doing it. I remember thinking it was the abuser internalized who was doing it and that is true in a certain way. It's me though it's like me when I was little. Moving the pieces around on the chessboard.
You wouldn't think you had that much power. You'd think you were a lot more helpless and like a victim or a sufferer or a sick person. It is and it's not? The therapist has said to me multiple times "you like it," or "you're invested in it and you do things to keep it that way."