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Dysfunctional relationship with my dad - shared trauma!

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Marvel545

MyPTSD Pro
Background - I'm 26 & my Dad is 50. My Mom died in 2004, which we both witnessed & my Dad has had abusive relationships since then. One in particular was really bad & exposed me to more trauma. We have a business together & have had for the past 8 years. I don't live with him right now.

My relationship with my Dad drives me insane. Over the years I've witnessed really bad things & from a young age I was his support. I gave him advice on relationships from age 12 onwards & even helped him set up online dating profiles at one point.

Life has moved on, but the issues still remain. I struggle to deal with his relationships & I don't know why. It really shouldn't be my problem.

It's really triggering for me to maladaptive daydream. I have tried to set boundaries over the years, but he still talks about it.

I want things to change on some level, but I don't know how.

I don't really know what I'm looking for, I don't feel as though there is a solution. Every time he talks about it, I feel like I've failed.
 
How are you otherwise? Do you have friends? your own family? Is this relationship all you have or is it taking space from other things you could have? Aside the maladaptive daydreaming, how else is this relationship impacting you to have a life outside of your father?
 
How are you otherwise?

I'm actually ok at the minute. I am an addict, but they are under control & my daydreaming is under control for the longest period in the last 14 years. I've been a member here for just over a month, I got diagnosed with PTSD about 8 months ago, so it is kinda new to me but overall I think I'm doing ok, just trying to learn as much as I can.

Do you have friends?

I used to have a lot of friends, but I don't speak to many of them anymore. Haven't fell out, they just got into stuff I wasn't comfortable with. I have a girlfriend who I live with. I have some friends within my 12 step meetings, who I intend on getting closer to.

your own family?

On my Dad's side, just my Gran, who is hard work at best. On my Mom's side, I have Grandparents, 2 Aunties & Uncles & 2 cousins. Not got a big family. I can't speak to them about my Dad. Small family really.

Is this relationship all you have or is it taking space from other things you could have?

I have other things in my life, but 99% of it involves my Dad in some way. I guess it dominates my life & has done for a long time. Probably since my Mom died.

Aside the maladaptive daydreaming, how else is this relationship impacting you to have a life outside of your father?

It ruins me. I am stuck on it & driving myself insane. I talk about it constantly. I feel like if I let go of this, my actual grief for losing my Mom is going to come through.
 
Every time he talks about it, I feel like I've failed.
You didn’t fail. I’m sorry you are going through this and for the loss of your mom. :hug:

What happens when you set a boundary to not talk about it anymore? What do you do to hold that boundary?

Would he be at all interested in finding a therapist to help him sort out his relationships?
 
I have a similar problem with my mom.

I feel that I’ve been burned out from wanting to help her anymore, because it’s too exhausting when I also have myself to care for. That, and she keeps making horrible, horrible mistakes and not taking responsibility, or refuses to go to therapy.

I’m going to have to live with her again, probably. That’s problematic for me, but mainly because my twin brother and his wife live there and she’s brainwashed and.. scary in a not-life-threatening way, I guess.

My mom can’t handle herself at all, and needs validation for everything but has no boundaries. At all. So I’ve tried setting up boundaries, but she gets offended and/or makes fun. So I’ve been keeping my distance, as if to say (to myself), “I refuse to put up with this.”

I’m hoping someone here will have better thoughts on this, because this has been frustrating. It’s hard to be in your 20s and have parent issues, when you can’t just go off and get another job immediately (although if you can, I’d recommend it).
 
Hi marvel545
Thank you for responding and sharing your story. I heard you now. I hope I am not crossing a line when I say I hope you find a great grief therapist and hope you find a peaceful to honor the death of your mother and release her while releasing you too. take care.
 
What happens when you set a boundary to not talk about it anymore? What do you do to hold that boundary?

He sticks to it for a while, but then brings it back up covertly through other topics. He will talk about his friend & then all of a sudden the conversation is based on his relationship. They are currently fostering a dog, but aren't on speaking terms, so it ends up being about his relationship.

Would he be at all interested in finding a therapist to help him sort out his relationships?

He saw a therapist for about 2 years every week. It's never his fault though. Nothing is ever his fault. Grief is a thing because of how society is, not because he has struggled to cope. His relationship doesn't work because 'Thats how women are nowadays' which is utter rubbish.

He hasn't drove properly for the past 5 years because he has developed a phobia of motorways, I've drove him across the length & width of the country & it drains me. He had a double hernia operation 5 years ago & has developed Raynaud's syndrome over the past 2 years. He drinks most nights, has high cholesterol & eats junk 3-4 times a week.

He is convinced the Hernia is causing his health to fail. Scans have shown that there is nothing wrong with him, yet today he was saying he is going to get CBD oil for his symptoms. It would be more appropriate for him to sort his lifestyle out first, that's the polite way to put it.

I just feel so frustrated. He knows talking about his relationships upsets me yet he still does it.

I'm doing what I want to do (run a business.) but I have all this going on in the background.

Hi marvel545
Thank you for responding and sharing your story. I heard you now. I hope I am not crossing a...

Not at all, I appreciate your input. :)

I have a similar problem with my mom.

Sorry to hear that!

So I’ve been keeping my distance, as if to say (to myself), “I refuse to put up with this.”

I think thats a good solution actually, probably a good idea to build up a 'window of tolerance' to better deal with this stuff.

I feel that I’ve been burned out from wanting to help her anymore, because it’s too exhausting when I also have myself to care for. That, and she keeps making horrible, horrible mistakes and not taking responsibility, or refuses to go to therapy.

I can totally relate. This is what my Dad does. I feel as though his problems are mine, even though they really shouldn't be. I moved out 2.5 years ago & it still plagues me. I think even if I moved jobs, it would still be an issue. I feel stuck with it really. I know I need to change my perspective on some level, I'm just not sure how to do that or what to change it to.
 
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He sticks to it for a while, but then brings it back up covertly through other topics.
It’s sounds like you have made a request of him, and a good one. That being said, you haven’t really set and held a boundary. Boundaries are not about another person changing. It’s about managing our lives and what we allow into them.

An example: there is a topic I can’t talk about with my mother. I asked, begged, pleaded, argued, etc, etc, that she stop talking about it with me. Nothing changed but my burnout and frustration levels.

I told her, “when you talk about xyz, I feel terrible. To take care my my needs and stay within my own limits, if you bring up this topic with me, I’m going to end the conversation, walk away, and talk to you another time.”

Oh she argued it. Guilt tripped it. Said she would stop and forgot. Around and around we went.

Instead, I set a boundary and held it. I said to her, “I’m glad you want to talk about that but *I* can’t talk to you about it. Please find someone else who can. I’ll talk to you on (another day). Bye.” I hung up the phone. It doesn’t have to be this abrupt - or it can be more abrupt. Using I statements and following through on action is critical to holding the boundary.

As for my mother and I, I only had to do that a few times before she dropped it. She forgets at times but will now stop herself or change the subject on her own. Even if she doesn’t, I don’t get dragged into it. I take responsibility for my life and what I let into it.

Boundaries with parents is hard, and you have had to be too much of the adult since you were young. You may have to hold a lot of new boundaries with him, and he may balk at first. Don’t be dismayed if this happens, it may simply be a sign that you are on the right path towards a more functional relationship.
 
Thankyou @Justmehere I will try that. It does make sense. I'm just asking him rather than asserting a boundary.

I think this is part of rebuilding the fight response.
I take responsibility for my life and what I let into it.

I definitely need to do this.
Boundaries with parents is hard, and you have had to be too much of the adult since you were young.
Yes, I think thats the issue. I didn't develop a healthy response as I was a kid.
You may have to hold a lot of new boundaries with him, and he may balk at first
Yes, I think it's probably going to be two steps forward & one step back.
 
Okay, so I am putting myself out there with this one, so I hope it helps.

I am that parent. Chronic homelessness issues for the past 10 years since a crazy and insane DV experience that went on even after I escaped. I was a disaster for a while there and I left the area so my kids didn't have to watch it anymore. Best to die on the streets of Vancouver than in their hometown. I didn't tell them that of course, but that was my thought at the time.

The thing is, that decision was quite a bit of a damned if I did and damned if I didn't. They worried I left. They were angry I was around. My youngest son asked me to come home about 1.5 years ago. I did. It hasn't been fun.

I go to therapy 2X a week, keep doing stuff to try to help myself. Am trying really hard to figure out a job I can do to be more self sufficient.

I think what I am trying to say is that life happens regardless of whether we are parents or not.

The problem is taking on what is going on with the parent. Learning about your own limits is an important thing. But guilt ridden I am certain.

I have warned my kids not to ask about what is going on with me because it is frustrating and difficult. They ask anyway. I try to keep it simple and rather than use them or my supporters as a sounding board, I use my therapist.

So I am going to suggest that you let your father know that if he cannot (or is it will not - because that makes a difference) get to be part of a bereavement group or a therapist, he is going to have to leave this stuff at the door.

This was a big thing with my family come to think of it too with my father and sister talking about my dead mother incessantly for years after she died. I was called cold and hateful because I wouldn't play the game.

Honestly, if he won't stop, then you need to protect yourself any way you can. Perhaps you going to a bereavement group as well would help with your thought that the emotions of your mother's death will come screaming out at you.

You need to hold onto your sanity because nobody else is going to do it for you. And perhaps your father needs you to slap him around a bit to get his attention. (not really slap of course).

Maybe he needs to know that you need your father back again and maybe (?) make a list of those good things that he provided to you along the way to encourage him.
 
I'm actually ok at the minute. I am an addict, but they are under control & my daydreaming is under c...
for me, that "grief of losing ...is going to come through" I'm a a few decades older than you. For me that "grief coming through" is what does me in. there is a crazy relationship I'm hanging onto and I know the craziness of this relationship-the wide swings up and the wide swings down, almost like a chemical addiction almost, is if I let go of this relationship all that grief is going to completely blend with my being. the wall will come down and I will literally die. It feels like dying. I hope you can find a very safe place to let the grief of that little person through, because in my opinon 12 is still little. I know pioneers throughout the world required 12 year old people bearing children, building houses, killing their food -- orphans in third world countries are dealing with this everywhere and we as humans are completely capable of doing amazing things at 12 years of age. Still you need your mom at 12 years old! When we lose that mom whether to death, violence, illness, addictions, or they just pack up and abandonment us it hurts like H E L L. I just can't stop running my business or household to spend however long in that HELL, so I hang onto crazy relationships, have eating disorder, abuse drugs, alcohol, and sex, have SI. I guess what I'm saying is, if you have the time in your life to go through the grief (emdr can help with this; and for me spirituality helps with this grief the most) then go through it. Your dad is supposed to be your dad; you are not supposed to be his match maker or relationship coach. Of course you know that. It's unhealthy to say the least.

I am still dealing with boundary setting with a parent; but know it gets easier with practice. I wrote a letter to my dad and spelled it out for him--I cannot see you or talk to you until I get emotionally healthy. When you did this to me, here is what happened to me emotionally. I have to deal and heal these emotions, so don't call or come over until I'm ready." Well, that lettert hurt his feelings and I had to see that look on his face; I had to watch him feel bad about himself and he even had a spiritual crisis as a result of my letter. It was pretty hard to endure and watch. I wanted to say' "Oh never mind, I didn't mean it. Let's keep things they way they are!" especially since I saw him probably daily for most of my life, and he was the most important person in my life. So to tell him I can't see you or talk to you... oh my gawd... so f-ing hard. It's not easy. I feel like I'm not typing any helpful stuff here. Bottom line we have to be very brave, and very courageous, and very strong at the same time we have to crumple up on floor and be as weak and vunerable and broken as wee little kid. Male or female. The needs and wants are pretty much the same.
 
It amazes me how many stories I see here where the child was expected to be the parent. That is so unfair and just wrong. You were kids -- you should have been out playing and learning and growing instead of trying to keep your parents sane and shouldering all the duties of running a home. Then you become adults and don't know how NOT to be responsible for your parents -- because you grew up but your parents didn't. I think part of it is guilt because as you grow older you develop your own life, which means less time to care for mom or dad. Then they make you feel guilty for not being there for them. They just don't see how wrong it is. And it is wrong.

Instead, I set a boundary and held it. I said to her, “I’m glad you want to talk about that but *I* can’t talk to you about it. Please find someone else who can. I’ll talk to you on (another day). Bye.” I hung up the phone. It doesn’t have to be this abrupt - or it can be more abrupt. Using I statements and following through on action is critical to holding the boundary.
I think this is brilliant. You ARE allowed to ask that you not be forced into conversations that you know are detrimental to your mental health, but you are the only one who can stop it. Stopping it doesn't mean you don't care. Stopping it means you can put your energy to places where you can help them on your own terms. Stopping it means you continue this cycle with your own kids some day

Random thought --- do you have any older adults in your life that have good relationships? If you didn't have role models it's not surprising you and gf are having problems You have no frame of reference. Maybe some conversations with married couples outside of your family circle can help you see how it is supposed to be.
 
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