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Dom Violence Domestic abuse venting

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I have been going through verbal, emotional and mainly physical abuse for roughly 4-5 years. The physical has gotten worse. We are married with children. I have found out recently, I am not the first woman he put hands on. He was also cheating for about a year which I recently found out and he ended when I found out. (With several females) I am in that dumb, but typical scenario of thinking it will get better just because there are a few days sprinkled in. I get hit in front of my children. Hit while driving car and he’s passenger. Told I should die and my kids will be better without a mother. I’ve been strangled, pushed, slapped, kicked, spit on. You name it. I’ve had it occur. Finances are at his control. Cameras with microphone are hidden in house. Idk where but I’m assuming it’s to see if I’m meeting anyone and telling on him. I am not a Stupid person. I know leaving must be done just not sure what to do. I am a stay at home mother. I fear him, financial burdens. (Im aware things would be court ordered) but it’s not enough when I don’t work at this time. I also am afraid of him having any type of visitation with kids. I feel like if I’m not there, god knows what would happen if a temper comes on. I have documented everything that occurred in journals with date and details. Not sure if that even holds up in a court. But I feel like it’s better than nothing and figured why would someone go to the trouble of making a diary of years of abuse if it wasn’t true. Anyone with any stories of similarity or words of advice.
 
Those are rational, very well thought out fears.

I had many of the same, and I stayed because of them... until the 3rd time he tried to kill me that year almost succeeded... and I gambled, divorced him, and lost. People say “leave”. Like it ends there. And it doesn’t when you have kids. It doesn’t end when they can control you far more effectively by hurting your kids, than they ever could inside the marriage.

My biggest regret in my entire life, and it’s not a short list of regrets, was not taking my kids and running while we were still married and it was legal for me to do so. It’s an incrediably short window before it becomes kidnapping & custodial interference charges. Emergency temporary custody orders can be filed and granted inside of an hour. Which is why shelters that help people run often time things down to the last minute. But you need to work with them -and their legal departments- in advance.

A lot of abusive exes don’t give a damn about their kids, and never seek custody. Some do.

If yours would? Work with a shelter in advance of leaving.
 
Those are rational, very well thought out fears.

I had many of the same, and I stayed because of them....


I thought of running so many times. I would definitely need the shelters help in coordinating my departure. On one hand, he wouldn’t care about these kids. He was cheating literally right after the 2nd child was born. He abuses me while they watch and cry. So no father that loves his children would do that. But on the other hand. He is extremely fake and wants me to look like the issue. He needs the kids to look good to everyone around him. He uses them to look like father and husband of the year when anyone is around. When people leave or he’s home, he’s a monster. He goes to a counselor, but I think he just tells whatever he wants to get prescribed Xanax meds. He doesn’t even have real anxiety issues and mixes them with the tons of alcohol he drinks. I know typically that doctors can’t reveal sessions do to privacy laws, but are they able to confidentially take my call telling them what really goes on, and the fact he takes meds while drinking large amounts?! So many times people say, why not file a police report. Well simple. He has 2 friends who work at the local dept. and would tip him off. I’d be beaten within inches of my life or probably dead if I ever called police. Then a day will sprinkle in where he’s this award winning person. It’s very bipolar, narcissist, demon, sweet all mixed into one. It’s scary. I literally made a note in the notepad of my phone. I figured with iCloud or someone taking me belongings for investigation in a “shady circumstance”, I documented all abuse there as well and listed a note saying if I was found dead due to a knife, gun, poison, “suicide”, anything out of the ordinary...to find my husband...he did it...and please keep my kids from him. It’s a scary situation when you are watched every minute. I’m even typing this under a blanket because who knows where all these cameras are. But I know he’s not lying because he will text from work and know exactly what I’m doing. I walk the kids across the street for a play date and make calls there if I need to so he can’t here me talking. Or inside of my car
 
He's recording you - why can't you record him? Get proof of him beating you within an inch of your life with kids there. That's both assault and child endangerment. Get documentation of injuries at a hospital. Other than that, it all depends on the judge. I had a judge refuse a DV restraining order because he agreed that I deserved it and threaten to remove custody from me because I had the nerve to file for a restraining order at all. Family court has the ultimate power over you & your family which is terrifying. Do you have family? Anywhere else where you'd have a support system like HE has a support system? If you do, I'd take the kids and run there, go to a dv shelter, ask for help. They can help with the legal stuff, etc. There are lawyers who can do stuff pro bono. Above all, as soon as you are free, get yourself & your kids into family counseling. Your family counselor will help and support you and the kids - could even write a letter detailing the effects of the abuse on the kids and the need to keep them safe.... and if (Heaven forbid) he did get visitation, the court wants to keep the status quo, which means they get to continue in counseling... And counselors are mandated reporters of child abuse, so if he DID start abusing them, the counselor would be able to help suspend visitation.
If you want to know where the cameras are, spend all day in one room at a time, a different room every day. Don't leave that room except to go to the bathroom. If he knows what you're doing, there's a camera in that room.
I hope the best for you and your kids.
 
I have documented everything that occurred in journals with date and details. Not sure if that even holds up in a court.

I am so sorry you had this happen to you...but glad you came here. You sound like you understand your situation with clarity.

Documenting is GOOD! Keep it safe in a cloud account etc. It may not ending up being useful as you expect. I did the same and mine became valuable for the preparation of my divorce docs and would have been admissible in court. It was unexpectedly useful on him....he eventually learned I had documented and it concerned him. He had no idea how much I had or have. I keep it still just in case.

You sound ready to go and you will need help. Start with your local DV and start locating options and support. I know someone who escaped a seemingly impossible situation, and the state DV came to her aid in many ways. She and her children have a new name, a place to live and much more.

My point is it can be done. You can do it and you just took your first steps posting here.

Have courage and do a small thing every day...it adds up. Please know there is a kind world out there and wonderful people who will help you along the way. Just reach out and you will find them.

Whirlwind
 
I am in that dumb, but typical scenario of thinking it will get better just because there are a few days sprinkled in.
It isn't dumb. It is real. It's called the Cycle of Abuse and it's circular. It just keeps spinning around the micro dynamics of the 4 points listed below to make its own macro dynamic.
Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia
1. Tension Building
2. Acute Violence
3. Reconciliation/Honeymoon
4, Calm
You aren't stupid. Very smart people get caught up in this. Especially stay at home parents because the power dynamic makes it impossible to have power unless the one with power hands it to you.

Cameras with microphone are hidden in house.
Last I heard, he can use those feeds in a court of law as long as he has told you about them. I would suggest, if this is still the way it is, that you don't tell anyone about your knowledge of them.

And one would ask, why would he use those? He would only use flattering feeds of himself. See? Look at what a great father I am. Anyway, no idea if this is still relevant, but I would check it out before you tell anyone you know about the cameras.

I know leaving must be done just not sure what to do.
Get support from a women's outreach agency if there is one around. They are actually better than shelters in my experience. There is also a place called DASA here in Canada (Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault). They were excellent because they were able to gauge whether I was in danger or not. Perhaps you have something like this agency where you are?

Don't let him know anything is up. Don't clue him in at all. When you leave, I would suggest that Friday is correct. There is a short window where people actually care about domestic violence. In that short window you can find safe housing, financial support, counseling, and general safety aware from your house.

Do you have a car? If so, always make sure there is gas in it. Get a spare set of keys made OR make sure your set of keys are not at all accessible to your partner. This is very, very important. Just in case you need to leave ASAP.

I also am afraid of him having any type of visitation with kids. I feel like if I’m not there, god knows what would happen if a temper comes on.
This is what I refer to as a double bind. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I lost on this one but in retrospect, I wouldn't have won either way. It is a trap. And unfortunately most abusers want what the victim wants (the children) not because they want to love and take care of the children, but rather for the sake of taking your power away from you. Kids are a big asset to these types and they will do just about everything they can to use them no matter what the cost.

There is no real answer here except if you reach out to agencies that are actually good at helping the victim and children, they may be able to guide you as to how you can prove him unfit and a danger to the kids. Knowing approximately where you live would be a help. Maybe we can help you find local resources.

Have a cell phone nearby at all times (especially in the house). Back pocket or on your person is best if you can.

I have documented everything that occurred in journals with date and details. Not sure if that even holds up in a court.
Smart. No it doesn't. Not in my country.province anyway. Keep journaling so that once you are out of this you can read back on them so you don't feel like you have gone stark raving mad. I needed what I had written to keep me grounded and for validation for myself. This shit gets ugly and you need to keep it all based in reality if you are going to protect those children of yours.

He uses them to look like father and husband of the year when anyone is around.
Yeah, this is what I was mentioning about the videos he is taping. His type will use them to his advantage.

and the fact he takes meds while drinking large amounts?!
This isn't illegal as far as I know. It's stupid and irresponsible but nothing else. You could go to children's aid with it but that is risky and I wouldn't do it unless you had a good solid agency that specialized in DV before you do that. Keep in mind as well that if you go to counseling before you go to stay in a shelter, that the counselor will have to report anything that sounds abusive that is going on in the house. I am thinking he won't be too happy when he finds out that there was a report that he is being abusive - so maybe keep that in mind. You want to have complete control as to what your actions will be while planning your getting out of there - not leave it to someone else. You will have gut feelings that will be important. Others won't know the nuances.

He has 2 friends who work at the local dept. and would tip him off.
Right. Of course he does. I understand. So there is no safety unless you just disappear then - does that sound about right?

“suicide”, anything out of the ordinary...to find my husband...he did it...and please keep my kids from him.
Yes. Smart. I also had one printed that I gave to 2 friends to keep for the same reason.

because who knows where all these cameras are.
Are you clearing caches, history, making sure passwords aren't saved etc?

text from work and know exactly what I’m doing.
So if there is ever any doubt in your mind along the way you see that this is him doing this with malicious intent? He isn't just blinding following a pattern of behaviour that he isn't aware of.

Or inside of my car
f*ck. So he has a tracking device perhaps in it too. So that makes the car not safe perhaps. Does he ever know where you are driving when you are in the car?

Get proof of him beating you within an inch of your life with kids there.
As far as I know this isn't admissible in court unless he knows he is being taped. I would check the current laws on this.

Also, any chance you can tell your doctor that you need help leaving the home? Again, I wouldn't tell the doctor details until you are out because I believe they are mandated to disclose as well.

How old are the children?
 
I am triggering so bad right now...I swear someday I'm going to go Dirty Harry on every man I meet walking out of the courtroom with a f*cking smile on his face, side-by-side with his court appointed lawyer.
 
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