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I seem ok on the outside

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TTC18

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not sure if this is the right forum - I guess I'm just trying to figure out what's within the bounds of normal. Someone recently suggested I might have PTSD and my therapist thinks, maybe, so I'm trying to figure out what that really means. I don't get angry, or irritated, I don't drink or use drugs - I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore, not for 10 years. The 'me' everyone sees is normalish. All of my fear is inside. Even if I talk about it. I can say, "I'm terrified!" But I say it like a normal person would say it, and it doesn't really describe what's going on in my head. It's like I'm the narrator in a book or a movie - not really able to accurately describe what's going on.
The girl in a horror movie, screaming mindlessly and running from the guy with the axe - If you stopped her to ask her how she felt, she'd just scream, push you away, keep screaming, and run. That's what's going on in my head. But instead of screaming, I just say, "Oh, yes, I'm terrified." So my question is, I guess - can it really be PTSD if I'm fine on the outside? If I'm *able* to function, generally-speaking?
 
You described me perfectly! I think we’re all different. On the outside I appear perfectly normal, not happy so much, but not sad of terrified, or depressed. If someone could turn what goes on in my head into a movie they would be shocked!

For me, I was reprimanded or out down as a kid for showing my feelings. Now, even though I’m all grown up, I still have a hard time showing what I’m feeling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that just because we don’t show our emotions doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
 
Tryingtocope18.
Thank you so much for writing this post. And if you are truly 18yrs, hope god bless you by asking this question and hopefully you will find that elusive inner peace people talk about and you will take a different path. Regardless of your age (I thought the 18 in your name is your age), I still hope and wish you the same.

Now, I am also normal outside. In fact as I said many other threads, I never had therapy until last year and never been on meds or any contact with mental health officials. Just suffer deeply and alone thinking this is my shadow side and nothing ca be done and just schlep along with it in life.

Not until I decided, in my normalish side of things, I want to helps others, did come face to face the ever getting heavier and heavier bag of my trauma.

Having PTSD is internal struggle. Those who may show physically in either violent way or substance abuse way or self harm way or other "socially sancationed" personality disorder usually have what is called co-morbidity like that personality disorder, or bipolor and anxiety or depression or other pathology. It is my personal opinion there are many like you, me and piratelady (assuming there is no other health issues) who can have pure ptsd and that is quite deadly in my view. Having a co-morbidity or socially sanctioned issues make you realize you have ptsd much earlier in life. I very much fell into this late category. I could carry my suffering so deeply and heavy until I decided to help others and realize OK...my "filter" is broken big time.

I do not know so I cannot dissect you and maybe sometimes I do and go all over so not good. I can only share my story and you can see if there are similarities or not.

First being terrified and not being in car crash or airplane crash or terrorist act, is a sign of something else. What it is not is a sign of full mental health. You know how babies coo after they eat and rest and washed, that is deep internal peace of mind and we all have that until something terrible happened that interacted terror in to our fabric. But that is just one side of me. I am learning how to name and indicate what side is coming out and even typing this (this is my loving side). The terror side is also mine and it goes under defensive, protection and general radar side that keeps in the dark.

My loving side is good and the one that is normal but it is over run by the terror side, the angry side, the distracted side (for me...we are all different). the normal side survived so long because I dissociated from other side and I do not like them or acknowledge them and they eat me up at night alone.

Just recently I learn, I must write down all my sides the good thing and the bad thing...and realized what saved my loveside is that terror side can freak all the bad people and I hardly ever get into abusive relationships..again this is me and how I stay normalish. that is just an example. Now I am trying to empower my good side to become the leader consciously and with full empathy and love. NOT EASY! self loves drama and distraction. My distraction side brought me to this site because information and knowledge loving even though boring and passive.

My suggestion to you is this: Name your normal side. write all that is good about it. then write your terror side and other sides only you know. find the good (how they may support you) and the bad how they make you feel most of the time. If you feeling struggles alone inside that is not a sign of good mental energy and peace. and find a great trauma therapist.

I said a lot so I will stop but hope you find one thing that may help you. Sometimes I can just write to help myself. Sorry about that.

Love does truly cure! but it is toward the self.
 
Piratelady - I was also not allowed to show negative emotion. I got the 'If you cry, it'll be worse' and 'Oh, you're crying? If you don't quit it, I'll really give you something to cry about.'

grit - 18 just represents this year, I'm actually middle-aged. My trauma has been a long series of abusive relationships, starting with my parents, worst with 2 ex husbands. I now avoid relationships entirely, although I force myself to socialize and maintain superficial friendships. My filters are broken as well - I can totally identify with that. Filters? Boundaries? The way other people judge things sounds like foreign language to me.
 
See about filters 2018 and that did not cross my mind!! Middle age rules too! I am one too. I do not know you but I will say this much the mere fact you could go in and stay in abusive relationship tells me and my broken filter that your love side is much bigger than mine ever was...BUT there is always but, your protection and defense sides are broken. Where in my life, the anger and defense were higher and kept me single much longer than I care to admit, my loving side met my husband and luckily his demure and disposition as a person, many of my ugly sides just went the background. They did come out after but by then my loving side got some cahunes from earned secured attachment! All blahahah but trying to give you concrete examples. and my husband met my family and was like OK....I think I know why you are weird...lol

Your warrior side is dead. And as you mentioned being told not to show it makes sense. But I can feel your loving side is great and hope just because you ended up abusive relationships, you do not send that part of you down the rabbit hole but try to build up your defense and warrior side --- I think personally it is much harder to build up warrior than to build up love side...so you may face some hardship.

It is easier to become more loving than learn becoming "bitcher" but if you prepare yourself and keep all that empathy and love along, I think you may have a good chance of finding that peace we all seek.

Hope this makes sense. Honestly, I am afraid sometimes of over stepping boundaries even online,.
 
It does make sense. My warrior side is dead or in a coma... It's been like an Act of God to actually leave those relationships - and both times not to protect myself but because I feared for my kids. During first pregnancy the only reason I was able to force myself to get out was thinking - even if he never lays a hand on the baby, - if this is a boy, he'll grow up thinking this is how to treat women.. if this is a girl, she'll grow up thinking this is how to be treated. I couldn't bear to contribute to allowing a child to grow up in fear, to continue that pattern of dysfunction, so I ran. My warrior side is dead, but I've got a pretty accomplished cross-country-runner side. Ha.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
 
Yeah - when other people are around, I can force myself to function. But otherwise, I'm just zoned out. I wake up every few hours, seldom get more than 5 hrs of sleep - when I should be working, I can't force myself to work and instead go around on forums or read the news or watch cute kitty videos - anything to distract myself. I have pretty much constant crushing fear, especially when I have go to into a location that's somewhere my stalker knows I go - which is daily. I very my times, but still freak out. If a phone rings, I jump/scream. If someone knocks at my door, I jump/scream. If someone touches me when I didn't know they were going to touch me, I jump/scream.
 
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