Justmehere
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Good book. I also grew up in an alcoholic home. It's also common for people without that experience but strikes alcoholic families regularly. I'm always surprised/not surprised. It makes sense it develops in any environment where a caregiver is out of control. Someone has to take care of shit. Eventually, it's easy to begin to have taking care of other's stuff become a coping tool for one's own distress.
Another way to look at it - when someone is codependent, instead of working through their stuff, they work through someone else's for them as a way to manage internal distress. They ignore their own anxiety and needs, go and manage someone else's as the way to manage their own internal distress. Instead of dealing with grief about the alcoholic and setting boundaries, they try to change others as the way to cope with one's own internal distress.
Codependence can be coping skill, a maladaptive coping skill, and a form of avoidance. It makes sense, and it's nothing to feel bad about. It's good to learn when to recognize it (as you are certainly beginning to do) and be able to flex away from it (which it sounds like you did with your daughter who went through trauma with self care and detachment very well!)
It comes in degrees. For example, when I was 13 years old my very co-dependent mother would fuss about us wearing enough jackets and cold weather clothes in a way where it was clear she was trying to manage her anxiety, not so much our body temperatures. I could be sweating through my shirt but if mom was anxious about the cold, that jacket was staying on so mom felt better. If her past was stirred up and she wasn't managing her anxiety about it, suddenly everything I did was possibly dangerous. When her anxiety was well managed, she would still set boundaries, suggest I put on a jacket, etc, but with entirely different levels of energy and degrees. Managing me as a kid (heck even trying as an adult) was how she tried to manage her internal distress.
Kids being dependent on parents is normal. There are ways it can travel from healthy dependence to co-dependency, and a lot of it is about degrees, and how the parent manages their own distress.
Adult kids detaching and becoming their own adult selves is a hard process for many parents. Learning to let go and let them walk through life has got to be tough. Some recovery programs for those who grew up in alcoholic homes talk about giving people the dignity to make bad decisions. You gave your adult child the dignity to make her own choices. That's awesome. It didn't work out as hoped, because this world can be a shitshow, but you don't have anything to blame yourself about but to be proud of as a parent learning to let go and yet still be there for her.
It's nothing to feel bad about, and it happens to most from time to time.
Example:
I tend to not be codependent in relationships. (I'm a little too distant. Independent to a fault.) When I get super stressed in my life overall, PTSD is spiking, sometimes I go from flexible pet owner to OMG IS MY DOG OK SHE JUST LIMPED FOR A SECOND. Then I fuss over if she's ok... because really, whatever is going on for my dog, I'm trying to manage my internal distress my fixing her - above and beyond what is needed to actually have the dog kept safe and healthy. I can laugh at it now (sometimes)... and trying to change my too independent and sometimes too co-dependent patterns in human relationships.
Two killers of co-dependency that I have found so far:
Good boundaries, internally and externally.
Self care.
Another way to look at it - when someone is codependent, instead of working through their stuff, they work through someone else's for them as a way to manage internal distress. They ignore their own anxiety and needs, go and manage someone else's as the way to manage their own internal distress. Instead of dealing with grief about the alcoholic and setting boundaries, they try to change others as the way to cope with one's own internal distress.
Codependence can be coping skill, a maladaptive coping skill, and a form of avoidance. It makes sense, and it's nothing to feel bad about. It's good to learn when to recognize it (as you are certainly beginning to do) and be able to flex away from it (which it sounds like you did with your daughter who went through trauma with self care and detachment very well!)
It comes in degrees. For example, when I was 13 years old my very co-dependent mother would fuss about us wearing enough jackets and cold weather clothes in a way where it was clear she was trying to manage her anxiety, not so much our body temperatures. I could be sweating through my shirt but if mom was anxious about the cold, that jacket was staying on so mom felt better. If her past was stirred up and she wasn't managing her anxiety about it, suddenly everything I did was possibly dangerous. When her anxiety was well managed, she would still set boundaries, suggest I put on a jacket, etc, but with entirely different levels of energy and degrees. Managing me as a kid (heck even trying as an adult) was how she tried to manage her internal distress.
Kids being dependent on parents is normal. There are ways it can travel from healthy dependence to co-dependency, and a lot of it is about degrees, and how the parent manages their own distress.
Adult kids detaching and becoming their own adult selves is a hard process for many parents. Learning to let go and let them walk through life has got to be tough. Some recovery programs for those who grew up in alcoholic homes talk about giving people the dignity to make bad decisions. You gave your adult child the dignity to make her own choices. That's awesome. It didn't work out as hoped, because this world can be a shitshow, but you don't have anything to blame yourself about but to be proud of as a parent learning to let go and yet still be there for her.
This makes sense why co-dependency might be suggested and it does also cross over into enmeshment.I think I am trying to hard to be sure my children are happy and making the right choices. They are both young adults (over 18). My youngest recently was in a situation that caused her trauma. I felt I was to blame for all of it. I had to "detach" and take care of myself so I could care for her. I also have codependent issues with my husband. probably because of my fear of the past repeating itself. It is causing me to not be able to have a healthy relationship that we both could benefit from.
It's nothing to feel bad about, and it happens to most from time to time.
Example:
I tend to not be codependent in relationships. (I'm a little too distant. Independent to a fault.) When I get super stressed in my life overall, PTSD is spiking, sometimes I go from flexible pet owner to OMG IS MY DOG OK SHE JUST LIMPED FOR A SECOND. Then I fuss over if she's ok... because really, whatever is going on for my dog, I'm trying to manage my internal distress my fixing her - above and beyond what is needed to actually have the dog kept safe and healthy. I can laugh at it now (sometimes)... and trying to change my too independent and sometimes too co-dependent patterns in human relationships.
Two killers of co-dependency that I have found so far:
Good boundaries, internally and externally.
Self care.
Most adults will go through trauma at some point. Most heal up and carry on. You can help by NOT taking on responsibility that belongs in the boundaries of others.I think I am trying to hard to be sure my children are happy and making the right choices. They are both young adults (over 18). My youngest recently was in a situation that caused her trauma.
YES. It would make a lot of sense if spikes in anxiety and triggers lead to more of a struggle with this. At one time, especially in alcoholic homes, co-dependency may have been a way to survive, to cope. As you replace it with other tools, it will get easier.For, me I am learning that excessive worrying and trying to help my family and not letting the go to grow is part of it for me. I have a lot of anxiety around normal things but it is hard to separate from being triggered.
Exactly. Well done. :)I thought I had done everything to keep my kids safe. I made sure they weren't abused and then at the age of 18 someone hurts her. I feel/felt I should have done something different something better. I should have said something, seen something. Which is where the idea of detachment is calming to me. Not detach from her or withdraw love or time with her. But, to set that blame down where it belongs with the young man who did this. To stop trying to find where I messed up. And to start caring for myself. To be present and help her I had to stop making myself sick.