spinningmytires
Confident
Perhaps, some PTSD suffers can relate. My sexual feelings never did have anything to do with my boyfriend's physical presence. The 'here and now experience' just felt too unsafe. This I always tried to hide.
However when I was alone, after age 24, I could feel somewhat sexually aroused or at least until, my heightened arousal would evoke a frightening visualization of darkness within my mind. Then I would always shut-down.
Actually I would begin to imagine this darkness as floating near me inside my room. I feared that I might die if, it ever moved too close to me. During my mid 20s, my first T explained this fear as, merely my fear of losing consciousness during an orgasm and that, I'd be fine.
I then recall him asking me, if I was enjoying sex. I answered, my arousal yes. He replied saying, 'No, no one enjoys the tension.' Yet for me, my arousal/ tension 'was' my entire sexual experience. I wasn't having orgasms, not ever and not while, this frightening visualization would be entering my mind. This I had noticed during my mid 20s, when I had told him that I was still having sexual anxieties. He then insisted that, I was mistaken and that, I only needed more time. He always felt certain that my Non Contact CSA had been previously resolved at age 24.
So had my heightened sexual arousal brought about this frightening visualization of darkness. The only other times I've experienced something similar had been during disturbing dreams and possibly once, while under hypnosis induced by my T. Only during my heightened sexual arousal would I be this fearful of losing my conscious vigilance as if, my vigilance had been my only way of protecting myself.
In 2001, while under this hypnosis, I found myself feeling intensely angry or fearful. I'm not sure why. I was also screaming under my breathe with my fists clutched and arms held close to my face. And I didn't know why. A moment later my T spoke, "That was your father molesting you." Yet I saw nothing but this total darkness while under this hypnosis. Perhaps I might be associating this darkness with a memory of sexual or physical abuse. But then too, once inside this darkness I wasn't experiencing myself as having a physical body. I realize that this is weird stuff and I'd simply ignore it if only I could.
Though I could easily arouse myself, self-gratification hasn't mattered much to me over the years. I wasn't having orgasms. Very rarely had I any sex and no meaningful intimacy. I just wanted some normalcy in my life. I also knew that if I wasn't comfortable with my sexual feelings that, a loving, sexually intimate relationship wasn't likely to happen.
Last summer after six sessions with a Phd, I was told that the source of my PTSD trauma could not be found. So now at 73. I'm searching within myself for more answers.
However when I was alone, after age 24, I could feel somewhat sexually aroused or at least until, my heightened arousal would evoke a frightening visualization of darkness within my mind. Then I would always shut-down.
Actually I would begin to imagine this darkness as floating near me inside my room. I feared that I might die if, it ever moved too close to me. During my mid 20s, my first T explained this fear as, merely my fear of losing consciousness during an orgasm and that, I'd be fine.
I then recall him asking me, if I was enjoying sex. I answered, my arousal yes. He replied saying, 'No, no one enjoys the tension.' Yet for me, my arousal/ tension 'was' my entire sexual experience. I wasn't having orgasms, not ever and not while, this frightening visualization would be entering my mind. This I had noticed during my mid 20s, when I had told him that I was still having sexual anxieties. He then insisted that, I was mistaken and that, I only needed more time. He always felt certain that my Non Contact CSA had been previously resolved at age 24.
So had my heightened sexual arousal brought about this frightening visualization of darkness. The only other times I've experienced something similar had been during disturbing dreams and possibly once, while under hypnosis induced by my T. Only during my heightened sexual arousal would I be this fearful of losing my conscious vigilance as if, my vigilance had been my only way of protecting myself.
In 2001, while under this hypnosis, I found myself feeling intensely angry or fearful. I'm not sure why. I was also screaming under my breathe with my fists clutched and arms held close to my face. And I didn't know why. A moment later my T spoke, "That was your father molesting you." Yet I saw nothing but this total darkness while under this hypnosis. Perhaps I might be associating this darkness with a memory of sexual or physical abuse. But then too, once inside this darkness I wasn't experiencing myself as having a physical body. I realize that this is weird stuff and I'd simply ignore it if only I could.
Though I could easily arouse myself, self-gratification hasn't mattered much to me over the years. I wasn't having orgasms. Very rarely had I any sex and no meaningful intimacy. I just wanted some normalcy in my life. I also knew that if I wasn't comfortable with my sexual feelings that, a loving, sexually intimate relationship wasn't likely to happen.
Last summer after six sessions with a Phd, I was told that the source of my PTSD trauma could not be found. So now at 73. I'm searching within myself for more answers.