Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
Whenever I can feel myself crushing on someone or developing feelings for them, I start to feel afraid and angry. Afraid that they'll hurt me, and angry that by liking them most likely more than than they like me I'm giving them power over me. My main relationship trauma was five years ago, almost to the day that I'm posting it it ended. It was sexually abusive, emotionally abusive, and at times physically abusive. Afterwards I put myself in dangerous scenarios that led to more compounded trauma.
I've "hacked" my fear and anger a variety of ways. I would either date people that I didn't actually like, because then I had power over them, or more recently I've avoided dating altogether. The few dates I've been on I eventually stop the conversation. Boy, I can hold a conversation and keep it going to infinity, but sometimes it does just end because I'm the only one holding up the conversation or we're just not clicking.
I've been talking to someone now for a few months, I think 2 now, we haven't been on "dates" per say but it's COVID and we don't live close, but we talk every day. I consider them a friend already (I would want someone to be a friend to me first, before a relationship) but they do flirt with me and I flirt back. It's been the healthiest crush I've ever had, in my entire life. We have shared values, life goals, communication styles (and we've both been really good at communicating our needs and opening up to each other, slowly, when trust is building). I'm very good at reading when something is off at this point and haven't ever felt like they had bad motives or intentions. They make me feel safe.
Recently I've been having panicky thoughts because I can feel myself liking them. I talk to them before I go to bed most nights and we wish each other a good sleep and afterwards I'm terrified of the thoughts in my brain when I turn my phone off. I want to go cold, and show no emotion. I want to not text them back for a few days, like I'm just so terrified. Like I can't stop talking to them and I feel like that's power over me but they can't stop talking to me either, so maybe we're even? I'm so scared of power dynamics that are different because that's how I got caught in my worst relationship.
I'm going to talk to my T more about it. I've been having a lot of triggers lately and I'm in the middle of a huge life change so I'm hoping maybe once things settle down I'll feel safer and less triggered like this. It's also anniversary dates of a lot of the worst of the abuse, but I thought I was mostly through that. How do you deal with crushes bringing up these triggers?
I've "hacked" my fear and anger a variety of ways. I would either date people that I didn't actually like, because then I had power over them, or more recently I've avoided dating altogether. The few dates I've been on I eventually stop the conversation. Boy, I can hold a conversation and keep it going to infinity, but sometimes it does just end because I'm the only one holding up the conversation or we're just not clicking.
I've been talking to someone now for a few months, I think 2 now, we haven't been on "dates" per say but it's COVID and we don't live close, but we talk every day. I consider them a friend already (I would want someone to be a friend to me first, before a relationship) but they do flirt with me and I flirt back. It's been the healthiest crush I've ever had, in my entire life. We have shared values, life goals, communication styles (and we've both been really good at communicating our needs and opening up to each other, slowly, when trust is building). I'm very good at reading when something is off at this point and haven't ever felt like they had bad motives or intentions. They make me feel safe.
Recently I've been having panicky thoughts because I can feel myself liking them. I talk to them before I go to bed most nights and we wish each other a good sleep and afterwards I'm terrified of the thoughts in my brain when I turn my phone off. I want to go cold, and show no emotion. I want to not text them back for a few days, like I'm just so terrified. Like I can't stop talking to them and I feel like that's power over me but they can't stop talking to me either, so maybe we're even? I'm so scared of power dynamics that are different because that's how I got caught in my worst relationship.
I'm going to talk to my T more about it. I've been having a lot of triggers lately and I'm in the middle of a huge life change so I'm hoping maybe once things settle down I'll feel safer and less triggered like this. It's also anniversary dates of a lot of the worst of the abuse, but I thought I was mostly through that. How do you deal with crushes bringing up these triggers?