River_Witch
New Here
Hi all! I've just discovered this forum and reading a thread about recovery filled my heart with so much hope that I created an account. Introducing myself today to add my voice to the chorus: You are not alone.
My story:
Symptoms started at age 18 as isolation, avoidance, depression. In the early days, there was a lot of disassociation, numbing, and hiding. Suicide ideation for many years. Eventually, depression seemed to yield to anxiety, which fueled basically all of my actions in one way or another. I lived my twenties going full-throttle: completely independent from my family of origin, putting myself through college, working three jobs, going hard to try to "make it" because I wasn't sure I was going to survive. I self-medicated by staying busy (flight mode!), thrill-seeking, and smoking weed every day to chill. My immune system was basically taxed all the time, so I would pretty regularly get sick and when I did, I would get REALLY sick.
During one of those bouts of illness, I quit smoking cigarettes and tried acupuncture (age 27). This was my first experience feeling my nervous system in a calm state. It changed my life by facilitating a totally different state of being. I wanted that feeling more. I started learning more about parasympathetic vs. sympathetic nervous systems and this is when i started to build the theory that what I had survived was more than just terrible luck.
I was hesitant to work with a therapist for a long time and had a dozen very reasonable excuses; I can see now that I didn't have nearly the financial/mental/emotional capacity for this work while I was busy trying to survive. I leaned on different modalities I could access as stop-gaps: acupuncture, running, yoga, coaching, float tanks, energy healing, essential oils, mindfulness. I was forever trying different combinations of those things to try to soothe what was going on inside until my thrill-seeking hit a new high in 2019. I was really afraid of what I'm capable of, which is when I sought out a therapist.
Current state:
- Diagnosed with PTSD in January 2020 by a therapist who specializes in trauma. (Had suspected this was the case for +/-5 years...)
- Currently attending weekly 1:1 EMDR therapy and using an app called PTSDCoach to develop coping strategies.
- Therapy has been .................. wow, life-changing. Also, symptoms def got uglier before they got any better. :(
- Currently feeling relief from symptoms following bilateral stimulation in the last six weeks
Primary symptoms:
- Rage
- Nightmares (I re-experience emotions and wake up triggered)
- Anxiety, including obsessive/compulsive tendencies
- Avoidance of triggering media (anything with jail/prisons, cops, courtrooms) and distressing emotions
- Extreme hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, irritability
- Thrill-seeking :)
Y'all, I am happy to be here. I am so glad and grateful to be alive.
I am hopeful for the first time in a long, long time.
Special shout-out to @somerandomguy whose post about his three distinct phases of PTSD made me tear up in recognition.
Sending love.
My story:
Symptoms started at age 18 as isolation, avoidance, depression. In the early days, there was a lot of disassociation, numbing, and hiding. Suicide ideation for many years. Eventually, depression seemed to yield to anxiety, which fueled basically all of my actions in one way or another. I lived my twenties going full-throttle: completely independent from my family of origin, putting myself through college, working three jobs, going hard to try to "make it" because I wasn't sure I was going to survive. I self-medicated by staying busy (flight mode!), thrill-seeking, and smoking weed every day to chill. My immune system was basically taxed all the time, so I would pretty regularly get sick and when I did, I would get REALLY sick.
During one of those bouts of illness, I quit smoking cigarettes and tried acupuncture (age 27). This was my first experience feeling my nervous system in a calm state. It changed my life by facilitating a totally different state of being. I wanted that feeling more. I started learning more about parasympathetic vs. sympathetic nervous systems and this is when i started to build the theory that what I had survived was more than just terrible luck.
I was hesitant to work with a therapist for a long time and had a dozen very reasonable excuses; I can see now that I didn't have nearly the financial/mental/emotional capacity for this work while I was busy trying to survive. I leaned on different modalities I could access as stop-gaps: acupuncture, running, yoga, coaching, float tanks, energy healing, essential oils, mindfulness. I was forever trying different combinations of those things to try to soothe what was going on inside until my thrill-seeking hit a new high in 2019. I was really afraid of what I'm capable of, which is when I sought out a therapist.
Current state:
- Diagnosed with PTSD in January 2020 by a therapist who specializes in trauma. (Had suspected this was the case for +/-5 years...)
- Currently attending weekly 1:1 EMDR therapy and using an app called PTSDCoach to develop coping strategies.
- Therapy has been .................. wow, life-changing. Also, symptoms def got uglier before they got any better. :(
- Currently feeling relief from symptoms following bilateral stimulation in the last six weeks
Primary symptoms:
- Rage
- Nightmares (I re-experience emotions and wake up triggered)
- Anxiety, including obsessive/compulsive tendencies
- Avoidance of triggering media (anything with jail/prisons, cops, courtrooms) and distressing emotions
- Extreme hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, irritability
- Thrill-seeking :)
Y'all, I am happy to be here. I am so glad and grateful to be alive.
I am hopeful for the first time in a long, long time.
Special shout-out to @somerandomguy whose post about his three distinct phases of PTSD made me tear up in recognition.
Sending love.