My boyfriend (23m) broke up with me (21f) on Thursday. This was a a complete shock for me because although the past month has been hard, I thought we had worked through our issues and I also thought being in a more long distance relationship would give him the space he obviously needed. I have never loved anyone like him before and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He said that he will never love anyone else like me again. Our relationship was extremely intimate and loving and I have honestly never connected with someone on such a deep and safe level and I am struggling with losing it. The breakup was also extremely out of the blue and impulsive on his part.
It wasn’t a ‘normal’ breakup because he said he is very much in love with me and there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He is currently going through CBT and said that he is reliving trauma that he went through in the past, which involves being sexually abused by his father (and we suspect other family members.) He said that for around a month he has been feeling like he ‘can’t do this anymore’ and though his mind is telling him it’s the wrong thing, his body feels it is right. He has said that he has realised that he has no love for himself, and that he doesn’t feel like himself anymore and when I asked him if he doesn’t see a future for us, he said he doesn’t even see a future for himself. He has told me that at the moment he feels like he is going through all the abuse again and that old memories are returning and new ones are emerging. He also has addiction issues with drugs (weed, cigarettes and occasionally codeine) that he has only acknowledged now.
This is extremely difficult for me because it is so painful for me to accept that we can’t be together. He did say when I asked him that he doesn’t want this to be permanent but also that these are issues he can’t work through in the relationship and that he can’t ask me to wait for him because that wouldn’t be fair on me. He said he wants to ‘set me free.’ I know that he feels a very strong pull to take care of me within the relationship and that I was very emotionally demanding last month due to my own trauma issues which are resolved now that I am not in the environment that was triggering me. During this time I did try to break up with him for similar reasons (feeling out of control, triggered, depressed and recognising that I was not going to be able to be the partner that he deserved) but he didn't accept it, saying that he wanted to support me and not lose me. As he used to be a carer for his mum (and still is in a way) I know that he has trouble with prioritising himself and his own wellbeing and feelings.
I am struggling because I want to support him in what he is going through (he wanted to remain friends and still talk, just not be as emotionally intimate and ‘share’ in the way we used to) but at the same time I do feel the pull of just wanting to be with him again. I have my own attachment issues due to an abusive mother and so I do think that this would be a good time to learn how to give him space.
I guess at this point I am wondering how to approach the breakup. On one hand I have a strong gut feeling that this isn’t the end and that we both need to grow and heal and if we can that we will be together again. On the other hand, he seems to be adamant in his decision and has mentioned that we need to go our separate ways and seems to be trying to accept that our relationship was in the past. He has said to me in the past that even if we ever broke up he thinks we would always be together in the future, that I am the only person he wants to settle down and have a family with.
I am willing to wait for him and to emotionally support him - it may be misguided but I truly love him and have his well-being as a priority. I am also finding it hard to decipher his actions- is this because he is reliving the trauma and it is overwhelming, or am I not the right person for him.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
It wasn’t a ‘normal’ breakup because he said he is very much in love with me and there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He is currently going through CBT and said that he is reliving trauma that he went through in the past, which involves being sexually abused by his father (and we suspect other family members.) He said that for around a month he has been feeling like he ‘can’t do this anymore’ and though his mind is telling him it’s the wrong thing, his body feels it is right. He has said that he has realised that he has no love for himself, and that he doesn’t feel like himself anymore and when I asked him if he doesn’t see a future for us, he said he doesn’t even see a future for himself. He has told me that at the moment he feels like he is going through all the abuse again and that old memories are returning and new ones are emerging. He also has addiction issues with drugs (weed, cigarettes and occasionally codeine) that he has only acknowledged now.
This is extremely difficult for me because it is so painful for me to accept that we can’t be together. He did say when I asked him that he doesn’t want this to be permanent but also that these are issues he can’t work through in the relationship and that he can’t ask me to wait for him because that wouldn’t be fair on me. He said he wants to ‘set me free.’ I know that he feels a very strong pull to take care of me within the relationship and that I was very emotionally demanding last month due to my own trauma issues which are resolved now that I am not in the environment that was triggering me. During this time I did try to break up with him for similar reasons (feeling out of control, triggered, depressed and recognising that I was not going to be able to be the partner that he deserved) but he didn't accept it, saying that he wanted to support me and not lose me. As he used to be a carer for his mum (and still is in a way) I know that he has trouble with prioritising himself and his own wellbeing and feelings.
I am struggling because I want to support him in what he is going through (he wanted to remain friends and still talk, just not be as emotionally intimate and ‘share’ in the way we used to) but at the same time I do feel the pull of just wanting to be with him again. I have my own attachment issues due to an abusive mother and so I do think that this would be a good time to learn how to give him space.
I guess at this point I am wondering how to approach the breakup. On one hand I have a strong gut feeling that this isn’t the end and that we both need to grow and heal and if we can that we will be together again. On the other hand, he seems to be adamant in his decision and has mentioned that we need to go our separate ways and seems to be trying to accept that our relationship was in the past. He has said to me in the past that even if we ever broke up he thinks we would always be together in the future, that I am the only person he wants to settle down and have a family with.
I am willing to wait for him and to emotionally support him - it may be misguided but I truly love him and have his well-being as a priority. I am also finding it hard to decipher his actions- is this because he is reliving the trauma and it is overwhelming, or am I not the right person for him.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Last edited by a moderator: