Hi there.Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic people. I almost feel as if there is a banner on my forehead or something about me that draws toxic people to me. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. I was surrounded by abusers & toxic people growing up. In addition to that, I was bullied in school a lot, got bullied in college. As an adult I've had a job where I was on the receiving end of bullying from a boss or a co-worker & in these instances if I ever stood up for myself, I was the one who got into trouble, not the person bullying me. I've had patterns of attracting toxic friends as well, people that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior. These guys are relentless & ridiculously aggressive in their approach, refuse to take "no" for an answer, in addition they aren't very appealing & very disrespectful.
Then on occasion I'll meet a girl who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls, only after sex, and only wants my money. I'm starting to think, "What the hell is it about my luck? & What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this? I don't go to bars or night clubs. I'm not really loud & obnoxious or anything bad. I have been told many times that I'm an handsome guy, a nice guy & that I look like someone who wouldn't hurt a fly.
I see all the other people like all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people that get to be in healthy relationships with the person they wanna be with. The exact guy/girl they get to be with. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have decent friends in their lives who truly care for them & respect them, and they can get any friends that they want. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have friends and their girlfriends that understand their bad past and present. I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why I can't have the same.
I just feel like a walking magnet for every creep, loser, bully, crazy, etc... & I'd like to figure out how to stop it. Is it me? Is this something I should blame myself for? I don't really feel like I can talk to many people about this because most of the answers I get tend to only make me feel worse. I hear things like, "You are what you attract, so if you attract losers, creeps, bullies etc.. then you must be one too." I'll also hear, "Well, there's something about you that attracts this, so you are bringing this onto yourself." I've also heard things like, "Well, you should be flattered if a loser, creep, crazy, bully, etc... hits on you, you need to lower your standards & come down off your high horse." Then recently I heard, "Well, people bully you because anyone can tell just by looking at you that your a stuck up little b**** & you need to be brought back down to earth. Everything about you draws people's hatred right to the surface. Just you being you gets people to hate you."
I have cut all the people out of my life its ridiculous. I really wish that I could find decent people in my life who truly care for me & respect me. If I end up having a girlfriend again, she has to truly care for me & respect me. I mean I don't mind being alone, but having toxic friends, girlfriends, and people in my life is the worst.
It seems like attracting toxic friends, girlfriends, & people has been a life long curse for me. I really wish it would stop. Is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues?
I wanted to give my opinion as someone in a very similar position. It sometimes helps.
I have some good friends, unfortunately they’ve moved away but they have continued to be good friends, they just aren’t there all the time, and we catch up now again, but they remain there if I need them.
BUT I have also a long history to date of attracting real shitty people. Those shitty people from what I know, tend to be hurting themselves too.
This is currently my big focus in my journey to healing - intimate relationships with others. My abuse came from caregivers. People will always tell you, that you attract what you feel inside. There is some truth in that but it just isn’t that black and white. After so much evaluation of every single relationships for me, I have always attracted what reflects my Father. He wasn’t the abuser but he was my safety net, my Mother hurt me so bad. I go for men who reflect my Fathers traits, and unfortunately it never, and has never ended well. He’s a very guarded, no emotion, protector. It’s not ended well for me. There’s certainly truth in we look for further partners that reflect a caregiver.
For Me, I truly think people take my masses of empathy and kindness for granted. I let so much go that others maybe not, I’m a ‘fixer’.
I am currently In the process of trying to break that cycle because my most recent break-up broke me, absolutely and completely and I can’t repeat this for the rest of my life. This is a huge step for me, but it’s real hard.
i have gone back into my shell, until I can find someone who I feel safe with, who will understand me and work with me and not against me, no idea how that looks, but i will get there.
My advice is to really deeply evaluate your past relationships/friendships and be very honest with yourself.
A therapist is good, but one that specialises in attachment, relationships.
You will get there, it will be hard, but you will for sure.
Always happy to lend an ear