Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I haven't been able to improve my mental health basically since last July 2020. I've tried one new med, getting off another med, I've been in intensive therapy, I have a wonderful friend network, my family is relatively supportive, I just feel horrible, all of the time. I'm going to a new psych next week that I really hope will help. I filled out their forms and realized that I have felt severe anxiety and depression almost every single day for MONTHS. I've lost all interest in everything. I can only watch shows I've see before to focus (but I have been able to read). I don't want to write anymore other than to air out my feelings and how much I hate myself. I can't focus, I can't feel anything, it just feels like I'm in a constant fog. I don't see a point in living. I don't see a future for me.
I have no control, it feels. I've been waiting to move to another state since October 2019 and it's not in my control but like, I'm a full 24 year old and I need to take control of myself and my life. I just don't know how. I feel like such a failure. I can't decide where to work or where to live. I graduate college this spring, and I had one idea for a career, but I felt like it was just going along with what my parents wanted, but the career I want I haven't prepared for. I'll have a day here and there where I feel super happy, or a few hours here and there, but overall, a majority of the days I'm either having panic attacks, I'm suicidal, or both.
I think about suicide more and more, it seems more and more tempting. I feel like I'm never getting out of this. I don't have a direction for my life, for my career, I can't even think about myself. I spend most of my time just using social interactions as a crutch to feel happy (I have awesome friends and a crush lol, but honestly I wish I didn't because I hate feeling vulnerable). I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to form romantic relationships, I don't know how to discern my feelings for someone, I don't want to communicate what I'm feeling, I don't want to be real, I don't want to do this, I jut want to ignore everyone and everything for a few months until I have my life together. I don't know how to be honest. I don't know how to work. I lost my business I had for 18 years because of COVID and I just have no drive to do anything else. I applied to like 250 jobs across country last year and got none of them. I gave up. I don't know how to get a job, or be a real person. I don't know how to live. I just feel like I lost everything. Like I lost a lot of loved ones during this pandemic too, I haven't even dealt with that. I lost all direction, and I hate that, because I felt so sure of myself and my life and my direction for so long. I had passion, I had drive, I had a reason for existing. It's all gone now.
I feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life and I just feel like I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I just wish I were dead or I didn't exist. Life just doesn't feel worth it. I feel like it'll be this terrible forever. I have so many things I'm grateful for but honestly, I would give it all up just to feel nothing or not exist. I feel like I'm not deserving of the things I have mainly because of BPD symptoms/trauma. I feel like I wish people would be horrible to me again so then I'd have an excuse as to why I feel so terrible and not just "I'm so broken nothing will fix me."
I have a new psych appointment next week and therapy so I just have to hang in there. I just don't see a point. It feels good to let it all out tho.
I have no control, it feels. I've been waiting to move to another state since October 2019 and it's not in my control but like, I'm a full 24 year old and I need to take control of myself and my life. I just don't know how. I feel like such a failure. I can't decide where to work or where to live. I graduate college this spring, and I had one idea for a career, but I felt like it was just going along with what my parents wanted, but the career I want I haven't prepared for. I'll have a day here and there where I feel super happy, or a few hours here and there, but overall, a majority of the days I'm either having panic attacks, I'm suicidal, or both.
I think about suicide more and more, it seems more and more tempting. I feel like I'm never getting out of this. I don't have a direction for my life, for my career, I can't even think about myself. I spend most of my time just using social interactions as a crutch to feel happy (I have awesome friends and a crush lol, but honestly I wish I didn't because I hate feeling vulnerable). I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to form romantic relationships, I don't know how to discern my feelings for someone, I don't want to communicate what I'm feeling, I don't want to be real, I don't want to do this, I jut want to ignore everyone and everything for a few months until I have my life together. I don't know how to be honest. I don't know how to work. I lost my business I had for 18 years because of COVID and I just have no drive to do anything else. I applied to like 250 jobs across country last year and got none of them. I gave up. I don't know how to get a job, or be a real person. I don't know how to live. I just feel like I lost everything. Like I lost a lot of loved ones during this pandemic too, I haven't even dealt with that. I lost all direction, and I hate that, because I felt so sure of myself and my life and my direction for so long. I had passion, I had drive, I had a reason for existing. It's all gone now.
I feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life and I just feel like I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I just wish I were dead or I didn't exist. Life just doesn't feel worth it. I feel like it'll be this terrible forever. I have so many things I'm grateful for but honestly, I would give it all up just to feel nothing or not exist. I feel like I'm not deserving of the things I have mainly because of BPD symptoms/trauma. I feel like I wish people would be horrible to me again so then I'd have an excuse as to why I feel so terrible and not just "I'm so broken nothing will fix me."
I have a new psych appointment next week and therapy so I just have to hang in there. I just don't see a point. It feels good to let it all out tho.