BrokenHeat
Learning
My husband told me he has been suffering with PTSD about 6 months ago. However, it did not come out that way. What came out was "i dont know how i feel about you anymore or if we have a future. " He kept saying he had to fix himself before he knew. My life was turned completely upside down. I felt sick to my stomach, and was in absolute shock that my husband-the only love of my life-no longer loved me. Through more conversations we both realized he must have PTSD; he lost both parents unexpectedly within 18 months and is a police officer in a very destructive city. There have been 3 child welfare calls that he identifies as sticking with him and causing him concern. 2/3 children involved ended up dying.
When my husband saw how hard i was taking the news of his feelings changing, he felt he needed to be strong for my sake, apologized and said he loved me and he would try to get better. What ensued was 4 months of him acting like his normal self, to keep me together. However, it became too much for him and about a month ago he shared that he has been acting and dreads coming home. (bcuz he has to pretend to be okay) He has been coping by drinking to help him be able to be at home. This news broke my heart because i thought or wanted to think he would be okay. He shared that he wanted to get help and that his goal was not to get a divorce, BUT that he felt detached from me , numb and like he had nothing to offer or give to me emotionally.
Since he told me this, he has reached out to some people that have gone through similar situations. He even told me he contacted a therapist...not sure what that means exactly-but the fact that he shared it was progress, so i didnt ask for more details. He told me he was still not happy with things, but wanted me to know he was trying.
I go through a variety of emotions daily; one day i am strong and i can support him through this and love him enough for both of us, one moment i am so scared and wonder what my future holds, i am so scared of losing him and do not want a life without him, one day i am mad and want to yell and scream at him to try harder and try other things such as medication (which he is very against), scared about telling our children if he decides to leave and how they will handle it, and most days i am very sad and feel like i am so helpless in all of this. I dont want to make him mad by asking too many q's but i also need to know certain things so i can survive this. I wonder where i will live, where i will work, can i move to another city with my children, when will we have to sell the house we live in?
I love him with all my heart and know i want to be with him; but it isnt that easy. He shows no affection towards me anymore and this was a man who was very affectionate, playful, called me "mama" all the time and love to reach for me. NONE of those things happen anymore and the lack of love i am receiving is starting to take a toll on me. I feel lonely and sad and i miss him so much. He has mentioned he may need to leave to sort himself out...i told him i can support that, but in my research i cannot find anywhere that says that is recommended. It sounds like the first step in a separation to me, bcuz he has nobody to be accountable for in his recovery. OR is it better so he can hopefully see how much he misses us and loves me??? PLEASE if anyone can offer a possible solution-please do.
When my husband saw how hard i was taking the news of his feelings changing, he felt he needed to be strong for my sake, apologized and said he loved me and he would try to get better. What ensued was 4 months of him acting like his normal self, to keep me together. However, it became too much for him and about a month ago he shared that he has been acting and dreads coming home. (bcuz he has to pretend to be okay) He has been coping by drinking to help him be able to be at home. This news broke my heart because i thought or wanted to think he would be okay. He shared that he wanted to get help and that his goal was not to get a divorce, BUT that he felt detached from me , numb and like he had nothing to offer or give to me emotionally.
Since he told me this, he has reached out to some people that have gone through similar situations. He even told me he contacted a therapist...not sure what that means exactly-but the fact that he shared it was progress, so i didnt ask for more details. He told me he was still not happy with things, but wanted me to know he was trying.
I go through a variety of emotions daily; one day i am strong and i can support him through this and love him enough for both of us, one moment i am so scared and wonder what my future holds, i am so scared of losing him and do not want a life without him, one day i am mad and want to yell and scream at him to try harder and try other things such as medication (which he is very against), scared about telling our children if he decides to leave and how they will handle it, and most days i am very sad and feel like i am so helpless in all of this. I dont want to make him mad by asking too many q's but i also need to know certain things so i can survive this. I wonder where i will live, where i will work, can i move to another city with my children, when will we have to sell the house we live in?
I love him with all my heart and know i want to be with him; but it isnt that easy. He shows no affection towards me anymore and this was a man who was very affectionate, playful, called me "mama" all the time and love to reach for me. NONE of those things happen anymore and the lack of love i am receiving is starting to take a toll on me. I feel lonely and sad and i miss him so much. He has mentioned he may need to leave to sort himself out...i told him i can support that, but in my research i cannot find anywhere that says that is recommended. It sounds like the first step in a separation to me, bcuz he has nobody to be accountable for in his recovery. OR is it better so he can hopefully see how much he misses us and loves me??? PLEASE if anyone can offer a possible solution-please do.