FauxLiz
Sponsor
So it has been a particularly difficult last seven days and last night was just about all I could take and very close to moving forward with ending things. Last Tuesday (not yesterday) the board for the organization I manage blindsided me by adding a last-minute item to their meeting agenda and took action to formally vote not to renew my employment contract which expires in mid-July. It has been tough as to that point in my three years with the organization I have had one performance evaluation which was two years ago that was "more than satisfactory", no other evaluations and now just "we are done with you". I suppose I should be grateful for the advance notice especially considering the pandemic but honestly, it has just been overwhelming, embarrassing, humiliating, and painful.
Yesterday, I spent seven hours at a training session that I had arranged for that board and members of several sub-committees at which through conversations that took place it became apparent that not only had the board been discussing their action for several weeks without any indication to me, input or opportunity to improve or explain my side of any issues, that they had done so with facilitation by a member of my staff and what appears to be an indication that they are considering her to fill my position and have discussed that with her.
Employment or more accurately lack of employment for me is a huge trigger. I don't have a strong support system and I have been trying to deal with on my own. I had a good therapy session on Monday, first time we had met in person in months but by the end of the night yesterday I don't even know how to explain how bad things were. I am trying really hard to function still going to work but knowing the end is looming and my time to find new employment is ticking down each day. I am struggling with my P-doc as for some reason he did not submit refills for my sleep med after our appointment in early March, so I am rationing the meds I have left taking only a half pill and as a result last night I didn't sleep well, really I didn't sleep at all, I dozed in and out from 11 pm when I went to bed until 5 am this morning an hour before my alarm was to go off, I finally fell asleep and my cat decided I wasn't allowed to sleep in and woke me up at my regular time even though I had reset my alarm.
I flirted with suicide last night if I am truly honest. I made it through the night and am a bit better today I just don't know what things will be like tonight and over the next several weeks and so I am here and will try to post here and get the support I feel certain that I can get from everyone here as I work through all of the challenges ahead of me.
Yesterday, I spent seven hours at a training session that I had arranged for that board and members of several sub-committees at which through conversations that took place it became apparent that not only had the board been discussing their action for several weeks without any indication to me, input or opportunity to improve or explain my side of any issues, that they had done so with facilitation by a member of my staff and what appears to be an indication that they are considering her to fill my position and have discussed that with her.
Employment or more accurately lack of employment for me is a huge trigger. I don't have a strong support system and I have been trying to deal with on my own. I had a good therapy session on Monday, first time we had met in person in months but by the end of the night yesterday I don't even know how to explain how bad things were. I am trying really hard to function still going to work but knowing the end is looming and my time to find new employment is ticking down each day. I am struggling with my P-doc as for some reason he did not submit refills for my sleep med after our appointment in early March, so I am rationing the meds I have left taking only a half pill and as a result last night I didn't sleep well, really I didn't sleep at all, I dozed in and out from 11 pm when I went to bed until 5 am this morning an hour before my alarm was to go off, I finally fell asleep and my cat decided I wasn't allowed to sleep in and woke me up at my regular time even though I had reset my alarm.
I flirted with suicide last night if I am truly honest. I made it through the night and am a bit better today I just don't know what things will be like tonight and over the next several weeks and so I am here and will try to post here and get the support I feel certain that I can get from everyone here as I work through all of the challenges ahead of me.