When I first started seeing my current therapist I really liked her. I felt comfortable with and validated by her which in turn makes me feel safer to hear corrections and advice. (For some background, I was heavily gaslighted in my worst abusive relationship. On top of which, I have a history of a huge lack of boundaries in my relationships of which I was not aware until I was 34, I think.) However, we had a session where I was very triggered and really opened up about something that's been very hard for me and had to do with my trying to communicate with someone about how I felt like they'd been blaming me for things lately which weren't my fault. They had then responded by shaming me and the more hurt and quiet I became the more they seemed to enjoy it and feel more confident in themselves. (I understand why this is. I'm not judging her for it though I don't excuse it either.) I was trying to explain that I need help setting boundaries and not letting other people cross them because that is so difficult for me at times it seems insurmountable.
She responded by talking to me about working on my communication to be sure I am communicating clearly. She then launched into an explanation of D.E.A.R. M.A.N. and told me to write down everything she was saying. I kept trying to interject but she didn't let me and when I did get a sentence in because she was waiting for me to write something down she wouldn't respond to me. Once it was written down she talked for a while more (we do video sessions, too so she could see me and I know I was visibly dejected and crying). After about 15 minutes of her talking and me feeling more and more like I was going to yell or cry or both, I did interrupt her. I told her that I felt like she was telling me it was my fault that it happened. That if I'd just communicated differently then not only this situation wouldn't have happened but also that my boundaries wouldn't be crossed by people in my life and everything would just be better. She'd been talking about how when we don't communicate properly we can't expect people to be mind-readers and they might reasonably get upset.
I know I have a lot of issues but communication is something I have excelled at for a very long time. It's the thing I'm complimented on the most across the board in my relationships. I'm clear, direct, and thorough. I use "I feel" and "I think" language when it's called for. In fact, I've had it used against me before ("Did you hear yourself when you said, 'I feel'? Your feelings aren't facts." I tried to enjoy the irony of that statement.) I'll come up with multiple ways to explain something until it makes sense to the other person if they don't understand but they actually want to. Regardless, even if I had an issue with communication, I'm still not sure why there was no validation for the pain (invalidation is a HUGE part of my trauma) and the mistreatment and why there was no discussion ever about how I could handle it when things like that happen. When I expressed this to her, I was crying and I did emote but I made sure to keep my voice soft and gentle.
Anyway, she responded simply by letting me know that what she was going to say was that only after I make sure that my communication is solid can I make sure that people respond to me in the best ways and then determine how to move forward with boundaries. I apologized and she ignored that, too. She just went on to start talking about communication and boundaries but I can't remember much of the rest of that session.
Because she had me write it down, I had to move rooms and didn't close my door all the way. Well, my 15-year-old son heard the event in question and said it seemed like that to him, too which partially helped me feel like I wasn't just crazy. Of course, at the same time, I've been told that if they know and love you they're just going to agree with you so it didn't help much.
At any rate, ever since then I've been torn between feeling like that session was not healthy for me but then remembering that I'm "crazy" and the therapist is the "healthy person who knows things". Then I get upset at those thoughts because I know they come from a lot of unhealthy sources, too. I hear of people really letting their feelings go in therapy but I don't feel remotely safe to do that.
I have dreaded therapy ever since. Months into therapy is when we finally started talking about EMDR and not just ways that I can think, act, and feel better about problems in my life. I realized that our sessions had turned into, "How was your week?", "What's new?", etc. We'd spend at least half an hour on that every week and sometimes that took up the whole hour. This was all after I'd already brought up EMDR again even though I'd brought it up in our first session. I also told her in the first session that I need actionable things to do: worksheets, journal prompts, challenges, etc. She has focused on having me hold ice when I have a panic attack or when I'm triggered and that should immediately ground me and that I should build a blanket fort because my inner child wants to play. I finally got some worksheets from her after pushing and they had to be mailed and we talked about how I could really use some emotional processing work. She sent me 7 sheets of which 2 of them are for D.E.A.R. M.A.N. (She never seems to remember what we've talked about or the fact that she had me write it all down.)
She's never told me she thinks I don't communicate well. She's praised me for my communication with my kids and with her. Yet it seems like she's passively-aggressively telling me to work on my communication. It's actually very triggering for me because ever since she's been quite defensive for other people. I try to open up about traumatic or hurtful experiences and her first response almost every time now is to defend them with things like, "Maybe they meant _________ in a good way." or "Maybe they didn't mean _____________ (what they said), maybe the really meant ____________." She's told me she knows a couple of people love me because they've rented their house to me which I know is not her place to be telling me.
Anyway, just a couple of sessions ago, I finally opened up about the worst abusive relationship I was in. While I was still crying she told me she wanted us to use the next session to talk about the green flags in that relationship. I told her I didn't know what those were and she just kept saying that when we got off the video call she wanted me to write down the green flags in that relationship so we could talk about them next time. When we got off the call, I looked them up and now understand that directly after me opening up about the trauma in that relationship she wants me to talk about the good things in that relationship. I just don't feel like that was at all an appropriate time to bring that up and I don't feel like I'm ready to talk about that. Is that standard or helpful?
I'm really struggling to not feel judged and a bit controlled. We don't seem to talk about the things I'm asking for help with which were issues brought up with previous therapists. I think boundaries are probably the most important thing for me and I have tried multiple times to bring that up and ask for help with that. At this point, I just feel like she's subtly hinting to me that I may not have earned my right yet to have boundaries because I don't have the right skills or something. It seems very unfair to me that we spend our time talking about me working on my communication skills and then she tries to justify or interpret what others have said or done.
I've actually really struggled with a lot of therapy. I was in group therapy years ago where we were told things like: "Maybe they meant lazy in a good way" and that comparing yourself to others can really make you feel good. I don't believe in that, though and I know a lot of the psychological field would balk at those things. When we talked about our experiences where people mistreated us we were led to try to explain away their behavior. I'm already aces at that! That's why I've been in so many abusive relationships and why I remained in them. I can blame myself with almost no effort. I don't even demonize my abusers. I never have and I never will. They were pained people and I wish I could hug their damage away but I can't. When the therapist tried to talk us into taking a friend calling us lazy as a good thing I was the only one to pipe up and offer the perspective that maybe they were just projecting and/or having a bad day and as a friend we could let them know that wasn't okay but that if they need to talk about something we're there for them. She reluctantly relented that maybe that could be why but she preferred to look at it as a positive experience. Then she went and checked the handbook out of which she got the exercise and said the handbook did say they meant it negatively.
I just don't feel like many therapists have been helpful to me and I wish I could go back to the ones who were (one does short-term therapy and the other was booked up). Or I wish I could just do worksheets and journaling, give that to a therapist, and have them email me therapy sessions. LOL
So, my questions are:
1. Do you think I'm just being defensive/triggered or do you think there is a problem here?
2. How do you try to ameliorate the therapy messages of "It's not your fault" and the repetitive urging to not take anything other people do as a negative thing?
3. Do you ever get scared that you're just a narcissist who can't take criticism? Or any of the other things abusers often tell us? I feel like that fear has defined my life since I was a child and that's why I am the way I am. I'm so afraid of being a narcissist that I don't feel safe having my own opinions and I gaslight myself constantly.
4. Do you have any other suggestions for me because I am desperate to figure out how to emotionally process my trauma. I've had several therapists tell me that I have excellent intellectual processing skills but I haven't processed things emotionally and that's why I'm stuck. That's why it's so hard with therapists like the one I have because she just keeps focusing on the intellectual processing which is triggering after a while because it feels like gaslighting. I already fact check. I have since I was a child and even then I was better than most adults. I've never thought of my feelings as facts and though I may not be perfect at it I don't think anyone ever can be. We're all only human. Not just those of us who seem to be collecting diagnoses (c-PTSD, GAD, SAD, MDD, ADHD, and probable ASD (I would be low on the spectrum but nobody within 100 miles of where I live does adult testing who takes my insurance anymore so I can't finish testing).
I know this has been a LOT. I will try to post more often so I don't do this anymore. I'm severely distressed at this point, though and I have no idea where else to turn. Sorry it's been very rambly. I don't have much time right now and I'm quite triggered. So, please feel free to ask questions if you have them. If you read and respond to this, you have generosity and patience! Thank you in advance!
She responded by talking to me about working on my communication to be sure I am communicating clearly. She then launched into an explanation of D.E.A.R. M.A.N. and told me to write down everything she was saying. I kept trying to interject but she didn't let me and when I did get a sentence in because she was waiting for me to write something down she wouldn't respond to me. Once it was written down she talked for a while more (we do video sessions, too so she could see me and I know I was visibly dejected and crying). After about 15 minutes of her talking and me feeling more and more like I was going to yell or cry or both, I did interrupt her. I told her that I felt like she was telling me it was my fault that it happened. That if I'd just communicated differently then not only this situation wouldn't have happened but also that my boundaries wouldn't be crossed by people in my life and everything would just be better. She'd been talking about how when we don't communicate properly we can't expect people to be mind-readers and they might reasonably get upset.
I know I have a lot of issues but communication is something I have excelled at for a very long time. It's the thing I'm complimented on the most across the board in my relationships. I'm clear, direct, and thorough. I use "I feel" and "I think" language when it's called for. In fact, I've had it used against me before ("Did you hear yourself when you said, 'I feel'? Your feelings aren't facts." I tried to enjoy the irony of that statement.) I'll come up with multiple ways to explain something until it makes sense to the other person if they don't understand but they actually want to. Regardless, even if I had an issue with communication, I'm still not sure why there was no validation for the pain (invalidation is a HUGE part of my trauma) and the mistreatment and why there was no discussion ever about how I could handle it when things like that happen. When I expressed this to her, I was crying and I did emote but I made sure to keep my voice soft and gentle.
Anyway, she responded simply by letting me know that what she was going to say was that only after I make sure that my communication is solid can I make sure that people respond to me in the best ways and then determine how to move forward with boundaries. I apologized and she ignored that, too. She just went on to start talking about communication and boundaries but I can't remember much of the rest of that session.
Because she had me write it down, I had to move rooms and didn't close my door all the way. Well, my 15-year-old son heard the event in question and said it seemed like that to him, too which partially helped me feel like I wasn't just crazy. Of course, at the same time, I've been told that if they know and love you they're just going to agree with you so it didn't help much.
At any rate, ever since then I've been torn between feeling like that session was not healthy for me but then remembering that I'm "crazy" and the therapist is the "healthy person who knows things". Then I get upset at those thoughts because I know they come from a lot of unhealthy sources, too. I hear of people really letting their feelings go in therapy but I don't feel remotely safe to do that.
I have dreaded therapy ever since. Months into therapy is when we finally started talking about EMDR and not just ways that I can think, act, and feel better about problems in my life. I realized that our sessions had turned into, "How was your week?", "What's new?", etc. We'd spend at least half an hour on that every week and sometimes that took up the whole hour. This was all after I'd already brought up EMDR again even though I'd brought it up in our first session. I also told her in the first session that I need actionable things to do: worksheets, journal prompts, challenges, etc. She has focused on having me hold ice when I have a panic attack or when I'm triggered and that should immediately ground me and that I should build a blanket fort because my inner child wants to play. I finally got some worksheets from her after pushing and they had to be mailed and we talked about how I could really use some emotional processing work. She sent me 7 sheets of which 2 of them are for D.E.A.R. M.A.N. (She never seems to remember what we've talked about or the fact that she had me write it all down.)
She's never told me she thinks I don't communicate well. She's praised me for my communication with my kids and with her. Yet it seems like she's passively-aggressively telling me to work on my communication. It's actually very triggering for me because ever since she's been quite defensive for other people. I try to open up about traumatic or hurtful experiences and her first response almost every time now is to defend them with things like, "Maybe they meant _________ in a good way." or "Maybe they didn't mean _____________ (what they said), maybe the really meant ____________." She's told me she knows a couple of people love me because they've rented their house to me which I know is not her place to be telling me.
Anyway, just a couple of sessions ago, I finally opened up about the worst abusive relationship I was in. While I was still crying she told me she wanted us to use the next session to talk about the green flags in that relationship. I told her I didn't know what those were and she just kept saying that when we got off the video call she wanted me to write down the green flags in that relationship so we could talk about them next time. When we got off the call, I looked them up and now understand that directly after me opening up about the trauma in that relationship she wants me to talk about the good things in that relationship. I just don't feel like that was at all an appropriate time to bring that up and I don't feel like I'm ready to talk about that. Is that standard or helpful?
I'm really struggling to not feel judged and a bit controlled. We don't seem to talk about the things I'm asking for help with which were issues brought up with previous therapists. I think boundaries are probably the most important thing for me and I have tried multiple times to bring that up and ask for help with that. At this point, I just feel like she's subtly hinting to me that I may not have earned my right yet to have boundaries because I don't have the right skills or something. It seems very unfair to me that we spend our time talking about me working on my communication skills and then she tries to justify or interpret what others have said or done.
I've actually really struggled with a lot of therapy. I was in group therapy years ago where we were told things like: "Maybe they meant lazy in a good way" and that comparing yourself to others can really make you feel good. I don't believe in that, though and I know a lot of the psychological field would balk at those things. When we talked about our experiences where people mistreated us we were led to try to explain away their behavior. I'm already aces at that! That's why I've been in so many abusive relationships and why I remained in them. I can blame myself with almost no effort. I don't even demonize my abusers. I never have and I never will. They were pained people and I wish I could hug their damage away but I can't. When the therapist tried to talk us into taking a friend calling us lazy as a good thing I was the only one to pipe up and offer the perspective that maybe they were just projecting and/or having a bad day and as a friend we could let them know that wasn't okay but that if they need to talk about something we're there for them. She reluctantly relented that maybe that could be why but she preferred to look at it as a positive experience. Then she went and checked the handbook out of which she got the exercise and said the handbook did say they meant it negatively.
I just don't feel like many therapists have been helpful to me and I wish I could go back to the ones who were (one does short-term therapy and the other was booked up). Or I wish I could just do worksheets and journaling, give that to a therapist, and have them email me therapy sessions. LOL
So, my questions are:
1. Do you think I'm just being defensive/triggered or do you think there is a problem here?
2. How do you try to ameliorate the therapy messages of "It's not your fault" and the repetitive urging to not take anything other people do as a negative thing?
3. Do you ever get scared that you're just a narcissist who can't take criticism? Or any of the other things abusers often tell us? I feel like that fear has defined my life since I was a child and that's why I am the way I am. I'm so afraid of being a narcissist that I don't feel safe having my own opinions and I gaslight myself constantly.
4. Do you have any other suggestions for me because I am desperate to figure out how to emotionally process my trauma. I've had several therapists tell me that I have excellent intellectual processing skills but I haven't processed things emotionally and that's why I'm stuck. That's why it's so hard with therapists like the one I have because she just keeps focusing on the intellectual processing which is triggering after a while because it feels like gaslighting. I already fact check. I have since I was a child and even then I was better than most adults. I've never thought of my feelings as facts and though I may not be perfect at it I don't think anyone ever can be. We're all only human. Not just those of us who seem to be collecting diagnoses (c-PTSD, GAD, SAD, MDD, ADHD, and probable ASD (I would be low on the spectrum but nobody within 100 miles of where I live does adult testing who takes my insurance anymore so I can't finish testing).
I know this has been a LOT. I will try to post more often so I don't do this anymore. I'm severely distressed at this point, though and I have no idea where else to turn. Sorry it's been very rambly. I don't have much time right now and I'm quite triggered. So, please feel free to ask questions if you have them. If you read and respond to this, you have generosity and patience! Thank you in advance!