I'm not really sure where to post this, or even what to call the thread, but after five years of therapy I have come to a sudden realisation and sadly my therapist quit on me in the middle of our session two weeks ago so I have nowhere to process this.
I went through some abuse when I was a kid, which lead me down a path that I otherwise might not have chosen. I used to self harm. I used to run away. I was farmed off to stay with friends of the family as I'm not sure that mine knew what else to do with me. I started skipping school. I got into drugs. I became basically homeless at 17. Got involved with petty crime. I started dealing drugs and got into some very near misses with the police. There were times when wandered the streets in the morning picking up cigarette butts to make them into new ones as I couldn't afford them. Scraping together 10p for a pack of crisps and sitting in the dark at my mates house as we couldn't put any money in the electric. Don't get me wrong, I always worked, but every penny I had went on drugs. Food and electricity came second. Then I started dealing drugs, so I could start making myself some real money. I remember being chased by unmarked police cars, still no idea how we gave them the slip really. Counting out 500 pills and ending up in the back of some guys black BMW at 18 trying to explain why the bar of cannabis I'd sold him was a quarter under weight.
It isn't like I was serious hardened criminal or anything, but this seems pretty bad I think, especially given where I am in life now. I have a good job, am an honest, law abiding person, have a loving relationship, and because of five years of therapy I have started rebuilding relationships with my family and making friends.
The dawning realisation though is that there are these two completely separate parts of me, that don't seem to be able to exist side by side. I don't talk about my past. I don't acknowledge who I was... who I am?? There's a thing on the radio sometimes where people phone in and say what they were doing at 17, they find the song that was number 1 and they talk about themselves and what they were doing. I can't do that. People at work will talk about their adolescent years sometimes. What hobbies they had, who they hung out with. I can't do that.
Or can I? I did open up to someone the other day, he was talking about the kids we have round here, who jump off buildings into the sea, and saying how they have no respect etc. It wound me up, because I was one of those kids. I said "When life hasn't shown you any respect (like I say, I was abused as a kid and the whole system failed me) how can you expect them to show it back". It led onto me telling him about my past, and how I find it insanely difficult to talk about it. He said something along the lines of "well it's not exactly the kind of thing you want to shout about!"
But that's where he is wrong. So wrong. I do want to shout about it. Now, at least. I want the world to know the REAL me. All of me. All of it. Who I was is such a massive part of who I am today. I don't want to cut it off anymore. The thing that really stops me though is that by telling them about the 'symptoms' I feel I need to tell them the 'cause' and I am not ready to do that. I want to, but I am not ready. We were just starting to really get to work on the early trauma in therapy when my therapist had personal issues and had to suddenly leave. And now I am left trying to manage all of that, as well as all of this, as well as trying to find a new therapist.
I just wondered if anyone else had ever felt this way. Turned their life around only to end up feeling so cut off from the past that the present isn't whole. If that makes sense? How did you rectify it, if you did? What did you find helped? Any advice, comments, experiences welcome!! Thank you
I went through some abuse when I was a kid, which lead me down a path that I otherwise might not have chosen. I used to self harm. I used to run away. I was farmed off to stay with friends of the family as I'm not sure that mine knew what else to do with me. I started skipping school. I got into drugs. I became basically homeless at 17. Got involved with petty crime. I started dealing drugs and got into some very near misses with the police. There were times when wandered the streets in the morning picking up cigarette butts to make them into new ones as I couldn't afford them. Scraping together 10p for a pack of crisps and sitting in the dark at my mates house as we couldn't put any money in the electric. Don't get me wrong, I always worked, but every penny I had went on drugs. Food and electricity came second. Then I started dealing drugs, so I could start making myself some real money. I remember being chased by unmarked police cars, still no idea how we gave them the slip really. Counting out 500 pills and ending up in the back of some guys black BMW at 18 trying to explain why the bar of cannabis I'd sold him was a quarter under weight.
It isn't like I was serious hardened criminal or anything, but this seems pretty bad I think, especially given where I am in life now. I have a good job, am an honest, law abiding person, have a loving relationship, and because of five years of therapy I have started rebuilding relationships with my family and making friends.
The dawning realisation though is that there are these two completely separate parts of me, that don't seem to be able to exist side by side. I don't talk about my past. I don't acknowledge who I was... who I am?? There's a thing on the radio sometimes where people phone in and say what they were doing at 17, they find the song that was number 1 and they talk about themselves and what they were doing. I can't do that. People at work will talk about their adolescent years sometimes. What hobbies they had, who they hung out with. I can't do that.
Or can I? I did open up to someone the other day, he was talking about the kids we have round here, who jump off buildings into the sea, and saying how they have no respect etc. It wound me up, because I was one of those kids. I said "When life hasn't shown you any respect (like I say, I was abused as a kid and the whole system failed me) how can you expect them to show it back". It led onto me telling him about my past, and how I find it insanely difficult to talk about it. He said something along the lines of "well it's not exactly the kind of thing you want to shout about!"
But that's where he is wrong. So wrong. I do want to shout about it. Now, at least. I want the world to know the REAL me. All of me. All of it. Who I was is such a massive part of who I am today. I don't want to cut it off anymore. The thing that really stops me though is that by telling them about the 'symptoms' I feel I need to tell them the 'cause' and I am not ready to do that. I want to, but I am not ready. We were just starting to really get to work on the early trauma in therapy when my therapist had personal issues and had to suddenly leave. And now I am left trying to manage all of that, as well as all of this, as well as trying to find a new therapist.
I just wondered if anyone else had ever felt this way. Turned their life around only to end up feeling so cut off from the past that the present isn't whole. If that makes sense? How did you rectify it, if you did? What did you find helped? Any advice, comments, experiences welcome!! Thank you