I (33M) was dating a (30TF) and things were going great. We got along and honestly could always find things to talk about as we're long distance. We can joke about anything and her sense of humor was a crude as mine. I knew things weren't great with her father growing up but from what I knew, he was more of an absentee drunk father than abusive.
A few nights ago we were drinking and she said she was going to bed, which is usually code for me to call her and talk privately instead of our friend group. I call and she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up which is really weird. Uncharacteristically, i got my feeling hurt and got upset, and sent her a message saying something stupid about her not caring about what I had to say and how it was a shitty thing to do. I know, not a great thing to do, but I messed up.
Apparently, that "rang alarm bells" because it's something that her father used to do. Apparently he was majorly abusive and it sent her running saying things like, "what would have happened if we were in the same building instead of across the country", and how "for her own safety we couldn't be together because i could hurt her". I felt god awful that I had made her feel that way. And apologized profusely. And for the rest of the day I didn't really know what to think. I knew this was a sensitive subject so i just did my best to plead a case that didn't fall into the stereotypical attempt of saying i thought her actions were a little extreme.
Apparently she was terrified. I have never so much as raised my voice in front of her, but what i typed, which I've shown to family and they agreed it wasn't nice, but wasn't a relationship ender by any means. Combining that with calling her was enough to make her afraid that i was a ticking time bomb that at any moment could hurt her and in her words, "it only takes one time so i can't take the risk" To me, it sounded like the reasoning of someone who was so scared they couldn't think straight.
My only question I have is if this thinking is permanent or if it's temporary. Is she going to realize that i'm not a monster like her father or has the damage been done? Or is this more of a depends on the person type thing?
A few nights ago we were drinking and she said she was going to bed, which is usually code for me to call her and talk privately instead of our friend group. I call and she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up, i call again, she hangs up which is really weird. Uncharacteristically, i got my feeling hurt and got upset, and sent her a message saying something stupid about her not caring about what I had to say and how it was a shitty thing to do. I know, not a great thing to do, but I messed up.
Apparently, that "rang alarm bells" because it's something that her father used to do. Apparently he was majorly abusive and it sent her running saying things like, "what would have happened if we were in the same building instead of across the country", and how "for her own safety we couldn't be together because i could hurt her". I felt god awful that I had made her feel that way. And apologized profusely. And for the rest of the day I didn't really know what to think. I knew this was a sensitive subject so i just did my best to plead a case that didn't fall into the stereotypical attempt of saying i thought her actions were a little extreme.
Apparently she was terrified. I have never so much as raised my voice in front of her, but what i typed, which I've shown to family and they agreed it wasn't nice, but wasn't a relationship ender by any means. Combining that with calling her was enough to make her afraid that i was a ticking time bomb that at any moment could hurt her and in her words, "it only takes one time so i can't take the risk" To me, it sounded like the reasoning of someone who was so scared they couldn't think straight.
My only question I have is if this thinking is permanent or if it's temporary. Is she going to realize that i'm not a monster like her father or has the damage been done? Or is this more of a depends on the person type thing?