superunknown88
New Here
Hello,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. She came from a toxic relationship of almost 15 years with an ex-husband who has NPD. They had three children together (ages 10, 8, and 6) and she left him 5 years ago. She was managing her CPTSD with therapy for quite a long time. But, about two months ago her therapist left the clinic she works at and then was in the process of starting a new practice and promised to get in touch with her to get her back on a schedule. I am unsure if that part has occurred as I have not heard anything about therapy sessions in probably about 2 months now.
I don't have PTSD myself, but I do have some depression issues as well as ADHD. I dealt with an physically and verbally abusive father and an emotionally manipulative mother. My ex-wife also physically abused (and when she was in the process of leaving me she also got physical a couple of times). I don't blame myself or have guilt for these experiences; but it has given me issues with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem from time-to-time. I do see a psychotherapist every two weeks for managing this; I also call the therapist during emergency situations that come up.
Anyways, for a bit of background info on my current relationship. My GF did tell me out of the gate that she had CPTSD and works on it and that there are things that may trigger her sometimes and that she just needs space so she can think over things and not have an emotional response. The first year we dated I wasn't allowed to meet her kids (which is a good thing, but was hard sometimes), she got triggered when I told her that I loved her and it took her about 3 days to work past that. After about a year when I started spending more time with her and the kids things were going pretty good. Once COVID started I started playing a big role in getting groceries dropped off at her door and taking on other responsibilities. The first month of COVID she was afraid to let me in the house, and I was patient with her. She shut down during this time and at one debated if it was fair to me to continue the relationship feeling guilt. We had a talk about and I promised her that I wasn't leaving her and that yes things move a bit more slowly than I would like sometimes but it's fine.
We're at a point now in the relationship where I am trusted to watch the kids if she has to run an errand, or if one of them is sick, if someone needs to babysit the house for a repairman to come in (I work remote, she does not), weekends are assumed that I come over and any activities I am invited to so I am mostly at her house 5 days a week, sometimes 6. She usually takes Friday off to spend time alone with her and the kids. I actually bought a house closer to her, about 2 minutes away, because she wanted me to be closer and asked me about looking around for something closer to her. I was previously renting and they were kicking people out of the apartment and it was time to move anyways so it all worked out well. The reason I haven't moved in with her yet is because the house is too small for all 5 of us. So the longterm plan is renovate the attic for the 10yr old to move in there to make space for me and that I rent this property out. I don't sleep over often, but I am allowed to and everyone is fine with this.
Because of her ex's NPD all of the children have a therapist they meet with weekly. The 10 year old was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism and this child is the only one who is old enough to remember any of the abuse and arguments from their father. The father is fairly absent in their lives. He goes through abuse cycles where he pretends to care about the kids for a couple of weeks then blows them off consistently for about 2-3 months. Currently he is at the bottom of this cycle and the children have only seen him once in the past two months.
(Apologies for this novel, but want to give background info so you can understand!)
Anyways, I have noticed from being with my gf usually when we enter a new stage of the relationship she gets triggered in some way and usually needs a few days to process. When this happens, she stops answering phone calls and things like that. We did agree a long time ago to always say good morning and good night texts to each other no matter what. And we have mostly stuck to that. There has been one other time she has been triggered where after she told me she needed space she didn't answer my good morning/good night texts.
So the past week my girlfriend has been in the process of starting a new job. On Monday she told me she wanted to spend time alone with the kids and I said OK, she didn't answer my phone calls early in the morning. On Tuesday she texted me good morning/good night and just said she was busy. Wednesday she did finally call me for about 20 minutes and told me she was sorting through things and to not push her. I asked her if she was mad at me, she said no but she was dealing with emotional stuff and especially guilt and fear from changing jobs and the new job starts on Friday. I asked if I was coming over on Wednesday as this was usually assumed. She said not this time. I did end up coming over in the evening for 3 minutes because I had to pick up the 10yr old from youth group while she put the other two to bed. I dropped her child off made sure the child got in the door safely and closed the door. As I walked away, my gf came out and wanted a hug and a kiss which I was not expecting but was nice. Thursday was sparse again and I let her be. Friday she called me in the afternoon said she was starting to feel better as the new job wasn't as scary as she thought it would be and she was feeling more confident about it. We talked for about 20 minutes, she told me what time I needed to meet her Saturday morning for one of the kid's soccer matches.
Saturday (yesterday) when I first got there I noticed she was pretty stressed and argumentative with the kids and me. I was kind of annoyed by this, but didn't say anything about it because I know she was probably dealing with arguing all morning trying to get them ready and out the door so we don't miss soccer. We got to soccer, things were fine, we got back home then I went to get groceries. When I got back from getting groceries we sat down to watch a movie while she worked on her college coursework. I fell asleep for an hour because I wasn't feeling too well (me and her are vaccinated btw). Not awful, but my lower back hurt and just generally felt blah. I woke up an hour later and mentioned that maybe I'm getting that cold you and everyone had 2 weeks ago. She said no its not that, and we started to argue about it a little bit and I said I work from home, I only leave the house to see you and get groceries. Maybe it was from the halloween party we had at the house last week idk. She was saying that she wanted me to leave and go home and see how I feel tomorrow. And (this is where I messed up) I started getting upset and argumentative about it. I told her that if I go home I'm just gonna nap and feel better in a couple of hours and be bored. I'm not coughing or anything like that. She said she can't afford to call in sick at her new job. And I said that I haven't talked to you or seen almost all week. I just miss you and want to spend time with you.
While this was on-going the 10yr old got triggered by this arguing and went upstairs. When my gf realized this, she started to walk after her and told me get out of her house. I looked at my gf, the 8yr old and the 6yr old and apologized. Went home. She texted me that my behaviour is 100% unacceptable to argue in front of the kids especially with what they've been through. I responded that I am sorry and would like to apologize to the 10yr old. She to just leave us alone.
I left her alone, then she texted me that evening asking about a project I was working on for her that I left in my car she needed for Saturday. She wanted it and I said do you want me to drive it over now or bring it over tomorrow. She said right now. And then she said to please leave the key to her minivan and her SNAP card (for groceries) in the minivan with the project and lock the van. I told her that I am sorry and I love her and care about her and I want to talk to her about this. The last thing she said to me was "I do not want to/am unable to discuss this presently. Please do as I ask. Thank you. We will discuss it when I am capable of doing so."
I left the stuff at her house as she asked. Got home, said good night. Did not hear anything. This morning I texted her good morning and have not heard anything either. At this point, I know what she needs is time and this will be hard for me to deal with because I think at this point it can go either way.
I'm unsure what to do next, besides just giving her space. I would like to continue saying good morning/good night texts regardless of a response as I feel it's an OK way for her to let her know I am still here for her and I am thinking about her and am ready to talk when she is. However, I have never triggered her like this before, and also the 10yr old (unknown if 10yr old has also been diagnosed with any form of PTSD) and I feel awful about it. I am not a malicious person.
If you made it through this whole thread, thanks for reading and looking forward to your thoughts/comments/questions.
**I can't edit thread but I want to mention I meant to say "My ex-wife also verbally abusive".
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. She came from a toxic relationship of almost 15 years with an ex-husband who has NPD. They had three children together (ages 10, 8, and 6) and she left him 5 years ago. She was managing her CPTSD with therapy for quite a long time. But, about two months ago her therapist left the clinic she works at and then was in the process of starting a new practice and promised to get in touch with her to get her back on a schedule. I am unsure if that part has occurred as I have not heard anything about therapy sessions in probably about 2 months now.
I don't have PTSD myself, but I do have some depression issues as well as ADHD. I dealt with an physically and verbally abusive father and an emotionally manipulative mother. My ex-wife also physically abused (and when she was in the process of leaving me she also got physical a couple of times). I don't blame myself or have guilt for these experiences; but it has given me issues with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem from time-to-time. I do see a psychotherapist every two weeks for managing this; I also call the therapist during emergency situations that come up.
Anyways, for a bit of background info on my current relationship. My GF did tell me out of the gate that she had CPTSD and works on it and that there are things that may trigger her sometimes and that she just needs space so she can think over things and not have an emotional response. The first year we dated I wasn't allowed to meet her kids (which is a good thing, but was hard sometimes), she got triggered when I told her that I loved her and it took her about 3 days to work past that. After about a year when I started spending more time with her and the kids things were going pretty good. Once COVID started I started playing a big role in getting groceries dropped off at her door and taking on other responsibilities. The first month of COVID she was afraid to let me in the house, and I was patient with her. She shut down during this time and at one debated if it was fair to me to continue the relationship feeling guilt. We had a talk about and I promised her that I wasn't leaving her and that yes things move a bit more slowly than I would like sometimes but it's fine.
We're at a point now in the relationship where I am trusted to watch the kids if she has to run an errand, or if one of them is sick, if someone needs to babysit the house for a repairman to come in (I work remote, she does not), weekends are assumed that I come over and any activities I am invited to so I am mostly at her house 5 days a week, sometimes 6. She usually takes Friday off to spend time alone with her and the kids. I actually bought a house closer to her, about 2 minutes away, because she wanted me to be closer and asked me about looking around for something closer to her. I was previously renting and they were kicking people out of the apartment and it was time to move anyways so it all worked out well. The reason I haven't moved in with her yet is because the house is too small for all 5 of us. So the longterm plan is renovate the attic for the 10yr old to move in there to make space for me and that I rent this property out. I don't sleep over often, but I am allowed to and everyone is fine with this.
Because of her ex's NPD all of the children have a therapist they meet with weekly. The 10 year old was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism and this child is the only one who is old enough to remember any of the abuse and arguments from their father. The father is fairly absent in their lives. He goes through abuse cycles where he pretends to care about the kids for a couple of weeks then blows them off consistently for about 2-3 months. Currently he is at the bottom of this cycle and the children have only seen him once in the past two months.
(Apologies for this novel, but want to give background info so you can understand!)
Anyways, I have noticed from being with my gf usually when we enter a new stage of the relationship she gets triggered in some way and usually needs a few days to process. When this happens, she stops answering phone calls and things like that. We did agree a long time ago to always say good morning and good night texts to each other no matter what. And we have mostly stuck to that. There has been one other time she has been triggered where after she told me she needed space she didn't answer my good morning/good night texts.
So the past week my girlfriend has been in the process of starting a new job. On Monday she told me she wanted to spend time alone with the kids and I said OK, she didn't answer my phone calls early in the morning. On Tuesday she texted me good morning/good night and just said she was busy. Wednesday she did finally call me for about 20 minutes and told me she was sorting through things and to not push her. I asked her if she was mad at me, she said no but she was dealing with emotional stuff and especially guilt and fear from changing jobs and the new job starts on Friday. I asked if I was coming over on Wednesday as this was usually assumed. She said not this time. I did end up coming over in the evening for 3 minutes because I had to pick up the 10yr old from youth group while she put the other two to bed. I dropped her child off made sure the child got in the door safely and closed the door. As I walked away, my gf came out and wanted a hug and a kiss which I was not expecting but was nice. Thursday was sparse again and I let her be. Friday she called me in the afternoon said she was starting to feel better as the new job wasn't as scary as she thought it would be and she was feeling more confident about it. We talked for about 20 minutes, she told me what time I needed to meet her Saturday morning for one of the kid's soccer matches.
Saturday (yesterday) when I first got there I noticed she was pretty stressed and argumentative with the kids and me. I was kind of annoyed by this, but didn't say anything about it because I know she was probably dealing with arguing all morning trying to get them ready and out the door so we don't miss soccer. We got to soccer, things were fine, we got back home then I went to get groceries. When I got back from getting groceries we sat down to watch a movie while she worked on her college coursework. I fell asleep for an hour because I wasn't feeling too well (me and her are vaccinated btw). Not awful, but my lower back hurt and just generally felt blah. I woke up an hour later and mentioned that maybe I'm getting that cold you and everyone had 2 weeks ago. She said no its not that, and we started to argue about it a little bit and I said I work from home, I only leave the house to see you and get groceries. Maybe it was from the halloween party we had at the house last week idk. She was saying that she wanted me to leave and go home and see how I feel tomorrow. And (this is where I messed up) I started getting upset and argumentative about it. I told her that if I go home I'm just gonna nap and feel better in a couple of hours and be bored. I'm not coughing or anything like that. She said she can't afford to call in sick at her new job. And I said that I haven't talked to you or seen almost all week. I just miss you and want to spend time with you.
While this was on-going the 10yr old got triggered by this arguing and went upstairs. When my gf realized this, she started to walk after her and told me get out of her house. I looked at my gf, the 8yr old and the 6yr old and apologized. Went home. She texted me that my behaviour is 100% unacceptable to argue in front of the kids especially with what they've been through. I responded that I am sorry and would like to apologize to the 10yr old. She to just leave us alone.
I left her alone, then she texted me that evening asking about a project I was working on for her that I left in my car she needed for Saturday. She wanted it and I said do you want me to drive it over now or bring it over tomorrow. She said right now. And then she said to please leave the key to her minivan and her SNAP card (for groceries) in the minivan with the project and lock the van. I told her that I am sorry and I love her and care about her and I want to talk to her about this. The last thing she said to me was "I do not want to/am unable to discuss this presently. Please do as I ask. Thank you. We will discuss it when I am capable of doing so."
I left the stuff at her house as she asked. Got home, said good night. Did not hear anything. This morning I texted her good morning and have not heard anything either. At this point, I know what she needs is time and this will be hard for me to deal with because I think at this point it can go either way.
I'm unsure what to do next, besides just giving her space. I would like to continue saying good morning/good night texts regardless of a response as I feel it's an OK way for her to let her know I am still here for her and I am thinking about her and am ready to talk when she is. However, I have never triggered her like this before, and also the 10yr old (unknown if 10yr old has also been diagnosed with any form of PTSD) and I feel awful about it. I am not a malicious person.
If you made it through this whole thread, thanks for reading and looking forward to your thoughts/comments/questions.
**I can't edit thread but I want to mention I meant to say "My ex-wife also verbally abusive".
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