Recently, I've been looking back on my life, I'm 47 and to say that I look back with a sense of pride about my past would be a lie.
I had a lot going on with me as a child.
Almost sexually assaulted by a cousin who was 8 years older than I was, he was 15, I was 8 (yes, I'm male).
He tried but didn't succeed, but I think that had played a major role in my life for the next 30+ years and my failed relationships with family and more importantly friends and potential girlfriends, and my lack of aggressiveness and lack of self-worth.
As a child, I remember my parents, constantly screaming at each other a lot.
They were divorced since I can remember.
I also witnessed one night my "father" beat my "mother" to a bleeding pulp, all right in front of my very eyes.
My "mother" was a diva and a hoarder.
I moved out to my father at 16 and he was fine for a few years, until I became of age to drink and started to go out and bring home beautiful girls that were friends or potential "girlfriends".
Add to that, my "father" was being manipulated by my "father" and promised he'd get a big inheritance from another family member which my "father's" mother was in charge of. Needless to say, he got very little and so I became his punching bag for the betrayal of his mother and his sister.
I felt scared to go home everyday and night, hoping he'd had passed out from his drinking and wouldn't verbally abuse me like he did for 11 years while with him.
I got kicked out of university in my 2nd year, because I didn't attend lectures. That was my anxiety.
Instead I sat in my car until school was "finished" and then I'd go "home" get my dog and take her for her walk.
I tried going back to college again, but failed. I knew it was the stress, but I didn't realize how bad the stress had been impacting me.
Looking back now, I can't help but feel stupid, worthless, and again, stupid for not realizing at the time, my tormented childhood, my years in my 20s were a fkn' nightmare.
It's no wonder I couldn't sustain any form of relationship with a girl.
I'm 47 now and I'm very uncomfortable being here on earth.
The S word is a constant in my mind and the only thing that's stopping me is the idea that if I decide to do something irrational, I'll lose whatever good memories - mostly my beloved dog, won't come with me when I leave.
But struggling to take a shower, to live, to EAT, is not living.
I do not belong.
I socially isolate in my car, because there's where I feel safest. (a learned behaviour for the the endless days, months and years of not wanting to go home because I'd be dealing with a lunatic drunk POS).
Not sure where to go from here, but it's also nice to see that none of my family members believe me that my cousin tried to sexually assault me when I was 7 and he was 15.
Unfknreal.
Sorry for the rant...or if it was triggering to anyone.
I had a lot going on with me as a child.
Almost sexually assaulted by a cousin who was 8 years older than I was, he was 15, I was 8 (yes, I'm male).
He tried but didn't succeed, but I think that had played a major role in my life for the next 30+ years and my failed relationships with family and more importantly friends and potential girlfriends, and my lack of aggressiveness and lack of self-worth.
As a child, I remember my parents, constantly screaming at each other a lot.
They were divorced since I can remember.
I also witnessed one night my "father" beat my "mother" to a bleeding pulp, all right in front of my very eyes.
My "mother" was a diva and a hoarder.
I moved out to my father at 16 and he was fine for a few years, until I became of age to drink and started to go out and bring home beautiful girls that were friends or potential "girlfriends".
Add to that, my "father" was being manipulated by my "father" and promised he'd get a big inheritance from another family member which my "father's" mother was in charge of. Needless to say, he got very little and so I became his punching bag for the betrayal of his mother and his sister.
I felt scared to go home everyday and night, hoping he'd had passed out from his drinking and wouldn't verbally abuse me like he did for 11 years while with him.
I got kicked out of university in my 2nd year, because I didn't attend lectures. That was my anxiety.
Instead I sat in my car until school was "finished" and then I'd go "home" get my dog and take her for her walk.
I tried going back to college again, but failed. I knew it was the stress, but I didn't realize how bad the stress had been impacting me.
Looking back now, I can't help but feel stupid, worthless, and again, stupid for not realizing at the time, my tormented childhood, my years in my 20s were a fkn' nightmare.
It's no wonder I couldn't sustain any form of relationship with a girl.
I'm 47 now and I'm very uncomfortable being here on earth.
The S word is a constant in my mind and the only thing that's stopping me is the idea that if I decide to do something irrational, I'll lose whatever good memories - mostly my beloved dog, won't come with me when I leave.
But struggling to take a shower, to live, to EAT, is not living.
I do not belong.
I socially isolate in my car, because there's where I feel safest. (a learned behaviour for the the endless days, months and years of not wanting to go home because I'd be dealing with a lunatic drunk POS).
Not sure where to go from here, but it's also nice to see that none of my family members believe me that my cousin tried to sexually assault me when I was 7 and he was 15.
Unfknreal.
Sorry for the rant...or if it was triggering to anyone.