GiantSquid
Learning
Yesterday I unknowingly walked into situation where I saw a body on the ground and a nurse checking if he was alive. It was a major trigger to me, because I got PTSD in childhood when my dad died in front of me.
I don't know if I had absolutely worst trauma flashback ever, or whether my mind split or something, but my mind was taken over by another me, a Little One who was terrified about her dad. We were in a public space, travelling in a bus. She was very emotional and upset and in a shock. The other part of me, the adult part I thought as myself, told her to f** calm down, but she only got more anxious when I was aggressive. She did not know my dad was already dead. She kept seeing a body and her terror was horrible. I don't know if I cried, but Little One noticed wetness rolling down my face.
As soon as I got out from the bus, the adult me broke out the news to Little One gently. I told her my dad is gone. She went to pieces and started crying. It's been thirty years since my dad died, and I can't recall it hurting so much ever in my adulthood. We ran home. The Little One told me to lock the bedroom door so the little ones (my three children) wouldn't get afraid. Then she broke down. She cried and cried until my son came to knock on the door, and then she withdrew instantly, vanishing. It was the strangest experience in my whole life. I don't know what to think of it.
Today, the Little One emerged again. I was walking in a forest, and she suddenly interjected how daddy was proud of her walking so well in a difficult terrain. The adult me agreed with her gently (I remember the occasion Little One referred to) and she vanished again.
My therapist is not available until next week because she is attending a seminar. There has been some hints about having parts, but nothing like this has happened before. My husband is freaked out and I feel hurt about his reaction. I've tried to explain, but this is clearly over his comfort levels. He has been very understanding and helpful about my illness so far, but this is something he sees as strictly crazy. It hurts.
I have an appointment with my pDoc tomorrow. I know I should tell her about what happened, but I'm already hurt about my husband's reaction and it feels difficult to speak about it. I guess I feel protective towards Little One and I don't feel her appearance is a bad thing. Little One is a sweet girl and she's been already rejected enough.
What should I do now? I have good relationship with my trauma therapist and I know she will help me, but I have to wait a week. I like my pDoc too, but the experience was so very strange to me and it's difficult to speak about it in detail. I guess I worry she will think I'm making it up or it was not real, or wants me to start new medication to get rid of Little One.
I don't know if I had absolutely worst trauma flashback ever, or whether my mind split or something, but my mind was taken over by another me, a Little One who was terrified about her dad. We were in a public space, travelling in a bus. She was very emotional and upset and in a shock. The other part of me, the adult part I thought as myself, told her to f** calm down, but she only got more anxious when I was aggressive. She did not know my dad was already dead. She kept seeing a body and her terror was horrible. I don't know if I cried, but Little One noticed wetness rolling down my face.
As soon as I got out from the bus, the adult me broke out the news to Little One gently. I told her my dad is gone. She went to pieces and started crying. It's been thirty years since my dad died, and I can't recall it hurting so much ever in my adulthood. We ran home. The Little One told me to lock the bedroom door so the little ones (my three children) wouldn't get afraid. Then she broke down. She cried and cried until my son came to knock on the door, and then she withdrew instantly, vanishing. It was the strangest experience in my whole life. I don't know what to think of it.
Today, the Little One emerged again. I was walking in a forest, and she suddenly interjected how daddy was proud of her walking so well in a difficult terrain. The adult me agreed with her gently (I remember the occasion Little One referred to) and she vanished again.
My therapist is not available until next week because she is attending a seminar. There has been some hints about having parts, but nothing like this has happened before. My husband is freaked out and I feel hurt about his reaction. I've tried to explain, but this is clearly over his comfort levels. He has been very understanding and helpful about my illness so far, but this is something he sees as strictly crazy. It hurts.
I have an appointment with my pDoc tomorrow. I know I should tell her about what happened, but I'm already hurt about my husband's reaction and it feels difficult to speak about it. I guess I feel protective towards Little One and I don't feel her appearance is a bad thing. Little One is a sweet girl and she's been already rejected enough.
What should I do now? I have good relationship with my trauma therapist and I know she will help me, but I have to wait a week. I like my pDoc too, but the experience was so very strange to me and it's difficult to speak about it in detail. I guess I worry she will think I'm making it up or it was not real, or wants me to start new medication to get rid of Little One.