I have two very close friends, one female friend who has also gone through childhood trauma, and one male friend who has never dealt with anything like that, as far as I know. I am still living in the place where my trauma took place, I just sleep in a different room now, so it's still hard to feel safe and comfortable, especially around my family. My whole life I've escaped to friends houses to feel "safe" from my abuser and my parents toxicity.
My female friends house is perpetually coated in cat hair, so spending large amounts of time there can get uncomfortable as someone with allergies, so we usually spend time together at our guy friends home. His mother is very nice and I've always felt welcomed, but the other night that illusion of safety was shattered.
My male friends father has always been cold when I am at their house, but I've sort of accepted that he is the way he is. However, his demeanor and the way he talks to his son (my friend) has always made me uncomfortable. It seemed harsh and I wished he were kinder. One night my friends and I decided to have a fun cooking night and make crepes.
We we're in the process of cleaning up when the father came over, agitated by the noise level and clanking dishes (he was watching TV, and the kitchen and TV room are joined) and yelled at my friend about it while me and my female friend stood there awkwardly. Looking back, he wasn't screaming at or insulting my friend, but his tone immediately triggered me. I tried to keep cleaning up for a minute, but I couldn't stop myself from crying once he left the room. I began to tremble full body and my thoughts just became static. I replayed the words of my friends father over and over in my head, wondering if there was something I could have done to make that interaction not happen. No one said anything for a minute and I tried to hide my crying.
I told my friends I needed air and went outside to try and ride out my panic attack. It was the worst one I've had to date though, and I couldn't calm down on my own. My whole body was shaking and I was holding myself rocking back and forth sitting on the driveway in the middle of the night. I think I started having flashbacks, my eyes seemed to stop working, and I couldn't stop crying. It was freezing, so that helped me feel more present, but I still felt like I was unraveling.
I didn't bring my coat and after a few minutes my friend came to check on me. He brought a blanket and sat with me and had to tell me over and over that he was safe, I was safe, his dad wasn't angry at us. Then he said something that really struck me. He told me that his parents weren't mean to him and that he was okay. I think it was at that moment that I realized I had gotten used to parents being mean to their children, and how broken my own relationship with my own parents is.
We haven't really talked about it since, this was several weeks ago, but I still feel embarrassed. I feel like I overreacted and got upset on behalf of my friend when he wasn't at all bothered by the interaction. I also feel guilty for projecting onto his dad. I can't tell if his father was actually being mean to him or if my perspective is just badly warped? And it feels foolish, but I no longer feel any sort of comfortable around his father, even though he didn't do anything to me or or directly speak to me. I'm not certain how to deal with these feelings, but I don't just want to sit on them until I get triggered and lose control again.
My female friends house is perpetually coated in cat hair, so spending large amounts of time there can get uncomfortable as someone with allergies, so we usually spend time together at our guy friends home. His mother is very nice and I've always felt welcomed, but the other night that illusion of safety was shattered.
My male friends father has always been cold when I am at their house, but I've sort of accepted that he is the way he is. However, his demeanor and the way he talks to his son (my friend) has always made me uncomfortable. It seemed harsh and I wished he were kinder. One night my friends and I decided to have a fun cooking night and make crepes.
We we're in the process of cleaning up when the father came over, agitated by the noise level and clanking dishes (he was watching TV, and the kitchen and TV room are joined) and yelled at my friend about it while me and my female friend stood there awkwardly. Looking back, he wasn't screaming at or insulting my friend, but his tone immediately triggered me. I tried to keep cleaning up for a minute, but I couldn't stop myself from crying once he left the room. I began to tremble full body and my thoughts just became static. I replayed the words of my friends father over and over in my head, wondering if there was something I could have done to make that interaction not happen. No one said anything for a minute and I tried to hide my crying.
I told my friends I needed air and went outside to try and ride out my panic attack. It was the worst one I've had to date though, and I couldn't calm down on my own. My whole body was shaking and I was holding myself rocking back and forth sitting on the driveway in the middle of the night. I think I started having flashbacks, my eyes seemed to stop working, and I couldn't stop crying. It was freezing, so that helped me feel more present, but I still felt like I was unraveling.
I didn't bring my coat and after a few minutes my friend came to check on me. He brought a blanket and sat with me and had to tell me over and over that he was safe, I was safe, his dad wasn't angry at us. Then he said something that really struck me. He told me that his parents weren't mean to him and that he was okay. I think it was at that moment that I realized I had gotten used to parents being mean to their children, and how broken my own relationship with my own parents is.
We haven't really talked about it since, this was several weeks ago, but I still feel embarrassed. I feel like I overreacted and got upset on behalf of my friend when he wasn't at all bothered by the interaction. I also feel guilty for projecting onto his dad. I can't tell if his father was actually being mean to him or if my perspective is just badly warped? And it feels foolish, but I no longer feel any sort of comfortable around his father, even though he didn't do anything to me or or directly speak to me. I'm not certain how to deal with these feelings, but I don't just want to sit on them until I get triggered and lose control again.