sleeveheart
Learning
Hi all, this is my first time posting. I feel so self conscious writing this. I am a stuck writer and I have been for the last 10 years. I feel whatever I write is stupid and incoherent. But here goes.
I met this guy online and he was very consistent in the beginning.
Let me write that again. Wow. I realized that I tend to"say the facts" because that's what the abusers told me to do. That's what school taught me to do.
Okay, so there's this guy I like. I think he's very attractive. We started talking on a dating app.
I like him because every time I ran away, he would get sad. He was also very consistent in his communication and never said a mean word to me, this whole time. He cared about my feelings when I expressed them. I never experienced someone like that. I didn't think anyone would ever be sad about my absence, considering this is a guy who I met about a month ago.
It was also easy becoming his girlfriend. When I got a little frustrated that we talk everyday but I'm not his girlfriend, he asked me at that moment if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't answer. But inside, I was so happy. (I have a problem with expressing emotion outwardly- I'm afraid I look stupid).
Wow, that word stupid is just the word that my critic loves to use. It definitely comes from all the people who abused me and exploited me.
On our first date, he told me a story about how he ended up in a car with a guy who was driving him somewhere to get r*ped and he narrowly managed to escape. I guess I felt safe when he told me that story. I felt that it's possible he might be understanding that I needed time.
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, he started talking to me about the sexual things he wanted to do to me (which mostly involved giving me oral pleasure). I kept saying, can we talk this slow, please? And since I survived sexual abuse, and I told him that I went through something very traumatizing (he tried to ask me details, and I told him I don't want to talk about it, he said ok). However, the next phone call he started himself with me on the phone. I froze and I didn't know how to ask him to stop. I felt like I was being mean. He was enjoying himself but I wasn't. I felt really ashamed and disgusted, to be honest. This whole phone sex, sending nudes, etc. is extremely baffling to me. Honestly, I have the understanding of sexuality like a middle schooler.
For our second date, he wanted to come over to my house and make me food (he's a chef) and cuddle. He promised that nothing sexual would happen. I told him it wasn't going to happen, because my home is a very sacred space (and my mother passed away early this year, and it's a space where I lived with her- I didn't mention her passing) and I had a guy I dated who promised the same thing but he ended up raping me (I told him numerous times I didn't want to have sex but he forced it in anyways- I didn't mention this to him either). I felt numb afterwards that time.
So, I finally told him, no I don't want to have phone sex. Can we start with holding hands, on a date? He didn't like it. He kept insisting on meeting me inside my home, since restaurants may not be the best place due to COVID, and it's getting really cold outside. I tried to be understanding, but an even bigger part of me wanted to keep my home sacred.
Yesterday, he asked me over text again if he could come over. I said I need a few dates outdoors before I let you into my home. He asked me if I was 100% sure. I said yes. Then, he insisted on being friends. I feel super sad about it, and replied by expressing how I really felt to him, which led me to a lot of reflection and good insights on my end. At the same time, I can't help but wish that he would be more understanding of me. I spoke with a hotline counselor after he said that and she mentioned how tiring it is to constantly have to advocate for yourself. It makes me angry sometimes that I've just had to defend myself my whole life. It's so hard for me to try to date and navigate intimate relationships.
The replies that I don't want is: he's a scumbag, or he just wanted sex, or he's a bad person, or get rid of him, or he's toxic, or why do you like him or why do you want to be with him considering he does (xyz). These answers without compassion will make me feel even worse. I already shit on myself for choosing the wrong people. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and experienced trauma and abuse at the hands of people I thought I could trust. And if I start to hear words like that, victim blaming and shaming, then it really hurts me, so please refrain from saying things like that.
Thank you for reading.
Let me write that again. Wow. I realized that I tend to"say the facts" because that's what the abusers told me to do. That's what school taught me to do.
Okay, so there's this guy I like. I think he's very attractive. We started talking on a dating app.
I like him because every time I ran away, he would get sad. He was also very consistent in his communication and never said a mean word to me, this whole time. He cared about my feelings when I expressed them. I never experienced someone like that. I didn't think anyone would ever be sad about my absence, considering this is a guy who I met about a month ago.
It was also easy becoming his girlfriend. When I got a little frustrated that we talk everyday but I'm not his girlfriend, he asked me at that moment if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't answer. But inside, I was so happy. (I have a problem with expressing emotion outwardly- I'm afraid I look stupid).
Wow, that word stupid is just the word that my critic loves to use. It definitely comes from all the people who abused me and exploited me.
On our first date, he told me a story about how he ended up in a car with a guy who was driving him somewhere to get r*ped and he narrowly managed to escape. I guess I felt safe when he told me that story. I felt that it's possible he might be understanding that I needed time.
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, he started talking to me about the sexual things he wanted to do to me (which mostly involved giving me oral pleasure). I kept saying, can we talk this slow, please? And since I survived sexual abuse, and I told him that I went through something very traumatizing (he tried to ask me details, and I told him I don't want to talk about it, he said ok). However, the next phone call he started himself with me on the phone. I froze and I didn't know how to ask him to stop. I felt like I was being mean. He was enjoying himself but I wasn't. I felt really ashamed and disgusted, to be honest. This whole phone sex, sending nudes, etc. is extremely baffling to me. Honestly, I have the understanding of sexuality like a middle schooler.
For our second date, he wanted to come over to my house and make me food (he's a chef) and cuddle. He promised that nothing sexual would happen. I told him it wasn't going to happen, because my home is a very sacred space (and my mother passed away early this year, and it's a space where I lived with her- I didn't mention her passing) and I had a guy I dated who promised the same thing but he ended up raping me (I told him numerous times I didn't want to have sex but he forced it in anyways- I didn't mention this to him either). I felt numb afterwards that time.
So, I finally told him, no I don't want to have phone sex. Can we start with holding hands, on a date? He didn't like it. He kept insisting on meeting me inside my home, since restaurants may not be the best place due to COVID, and it's getting really cold outside. I tried to be understanding, but an even bigger part of me wanted to keep my home sacred.
Yesterday, he asked me over text again if he could come over. I said I need a few dates outdoors before I let you into my home. He asked me if I was 100% sure. I said yes. Then, he insisted on being friends. I feel super sad about it, and replied by expressing how I really felt to him, which led me to a lot of reflection and good insights on my end. At the same time, I can't help but wish that he would be more understanding of me. I spoke with a hotline counselor after he said that and she mentioned how tiring it is to constantly have to advocate for yourself. It makes me angry sometimes that I've just had to defend myself my whole life. It's so hard for me to try to date and navigate intimate relationships.
The replies that I don't want is: he's a scumbag, or he just wanted sex, or he's a bad person, or get rid of him, or he's toxic, or why do you like him or why do you want to be with him considering he does (xyz). These answers without compassion will make me feel even worse. I already shit on myself for choosing the wrong people. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and experienced trauma and abuse at the hands of people I thought I could trust. And if I start to hear words like that, victim blaming and shaming, then it really hurts me, so please refrain from saying things like that.
Thank you for reading.