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Ended friendship today

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Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
So. I reached out to one friend and now im curious what many people think especially in this group.

A friend from my past and I reconnected. She used to be promiscuous. She ran up to my husband after not seeing him for years and embraced him sincerely.

I did everything I could to push thru my insecurities and low self esteem to not hurt my relationship with either.

I've recently learned these two must have found some sort of comfort in their relationship with eachother I've known nothing about. I didn't know they were close like that.

The female friend blushed twice upon seeing my husband and a third time I simply mentioned him. I confronted her. She ended the friendship. What the??????
 
It sounds like a painful situation for you.

It's hard to comment more without knowing that you are looking for with this post and maybe a bit more background.

Are you trying to understand why she ended the friendship? Trying to sort out what went on between her and your husband? Trying to sort your feelings?

I've recently learned these two must have found some sort of comfort in their relationship with eachother I've known nothing about. I didn't know they were close like that.

When would this have been?
 
She ended the friendship with you because she was offended at insinuations from you that she had behaved improperly with your husband?

Is the issue about whether there was infidelity with your husband?

Can you find out from your husband if anything went on between them?
 
I'm @Muttly @Actualise

I went off the deep end over this. It shocked me! Its hard to answer your questions directly right now but you guys get the logistics spot on actually thank you.

I'm posting in here about it because my husband has ptsd and I have ptsd. Makes for complex.

I really weighed the situation took it slow and very gentle so I didn't cause upset and for context I was apologetic that our marital trust and my self esteem issues could be the whole bit but I just wanted to make it clear that (I know she told me) she's okay with flirting outside her spouse. I am not. And she said she can't be my friend.

I was first relieved. Then spazzed shocked. I accused my husband of having something going on then left in the car screaming. My cup poured over. And I didn't sleep last night and I'm awake now.

Right before she said that I had an extra therapy session with my T over how I may proceed with the friens behavior causing red flags or even just simply too close for comfort type stuff. Husband and I are in marital counseling. He says nothing going on.
 
There’s nothing physical going on? Ok
There’s nothing emotional (ly romantic) going on? Ok
If there is either of the above- then there could be a problem.(have you read Esther Perel? She doesn’t think affairs are a death knell. She is great but you have to have your head on board with all that for that to work.)
Some people just like to see themselves as flirtatious and vital and it doesn’t go beyond some superficial (not carrying anything through further) behaviours, just behaviour to demonstrate their self image. Some men do a version of it out of chivalrous good manners.

If you asked her to desist flirting behaviour as you were uncomfortable with it and she flatly said no then that’s on her, walk past her.
May I ask was the exchange very emotional? Eg if you confronted her and demanded her to desist she may have been offended and defensive specially if she hadn’t considered she’d done anything wrong.

Perhaps the the most important thing is your relationship with your husband. If you trust your husband then it doesn’t matter how any woman behaves, he’s an adult and is committed to you.

Interpersonal relations can be so exhausting. It’s much easier when you’re being a screen removed from it..
Hope things chill out for you a lot, take care.

being a screen removed from it..
*behind a screen!
 
A friend from my past and I reconnected. She used to be promiscuous. She ran up to my husband after not seeing him for years and embraced him sincerely.
Maybe the promiscuity is 100% to do with why she ended the friendship.

Maybe the promiscuity has something to do with why she ended th e friendship.

Maybe the prnaiucuty has nothing whatsoever to do with why she ended the friendship.

^^^ Are any of these three options useful to you? If so, which & why?
 
Or, it could be that she seeks male connection in a room to feel less insecure bc she can't do relationships with women bc she is too intimidated, insecure, etc. She has probably used sex as a connection throughout her life in order to cover up the blemishes inside. I wouldn't spend a lot of time thinking about her. You put a good boundary down, she clearly couldn't live with it so I would move along. She obviously needs some therapy.
 
Maybe the promiscuity is 100% to do with why she ended the friendship.

Maybe the promiscuity has something to do with why she ended th e friendship.

Maybe the prnaiucuty has nothing whatsoever to do with why she ended the friendship.

^^^ Are any of these three options useful to you? If so, which & why?
Hi Friday. The middle one is all I can be sure of. But I feel alerted at the first 100 percent option because it's all very very strange to me.
 
What does promiscuous mean?
Not in the literal sense, but in the sense of how do you view it? As it's quite a loaded term.
One person's sense of promiscuity is another person's Sunday afternoon.

And if someone is 'promiscuous'' does that mean they are more likely to have an affair with their friend's husband than someone who 'isn't'?

(I may be getting upset with the word and bringing my own stuff into this)
 
There’s nothing physical going on? Ok
There’s nothing emotional (ly romantic) going on? Ok
If there is either of the above- then there could be a problem.(have you read Esther Perel? She doesn’t think affairs are a death knell. She is great but you have to have your head on board with all that for that to work.)
Some people just like to see themselves as flirtatious and vital and it doesn’t go beyond some superficial (not carrying anything through further) behaviours, just behaviour to demonstrate their self image. Some men do a version of it out of chivalrous good manners.

If you asked her to desist flirting behaviour as you were uncomfortable with it and she flatly said no then that’s on her, walk past her.
May I ask was the exchange very emotional? Eg if you confronted her and demanded her to desist she may have been offended and defensive specially if she hadn’t considered she’d done anything wrong.

Perhaps the the most important thing is your relationship with your husband. If you trust your husband then it doesn’t matter how any woman behaves, he’s an adult and is committed to you.

Interpersonal relations can be so exhausting. It’s much easier when you’re being a screen removed from it..
Hope things chill out for you a lot, take care.
Thank you. Within our marriage we don't invite others romantically to flirt with us. This is more than a case of friendly behavior taken with insecurities. I was gentle to her. She said she didn't do anything wrong. All I asked was for her to keep in mind we manage our marriages different, and that we have issues we are seeing a marriage therapist for, that I just want her to respect her backing off of him because her blushing and invitation to stay at her house whenever he needed to or wanted to. Me and her husband weren't around, my daughter, under 10 says she heard something weird that made her uncomfortable. My husband said it also made him uncomfortable.

Ive gotten a lot of perspectives thank you. I respected her decision. 15 year friendship tho. And she is a recovered alcoholic. Said she hasn't felt the need to lie since rehab 10 yrs ago. Completely untrue. She told me so many different things she was lying about or told her husband to the point where I was uncomfortable around the two of them for frea I would say the wrong thing. I don't like that and it's all of these things that motioned a growing distrust for her.
 
I think that is part of our Complex PTSD, is that we keep people, including spouses, at arms length. Consistently scanning environments for danger, keeping close observation on behaviors & constantly on guard. It is a way of protecting ourselves from potential danger. Unfortunately, I feel that it also keeps us from having trusting relationships (including that with our spouses). I love that you are setting boundaries within your marriage on what is acceptable behavior especially if both of you suffer from PTSD. Curious if your marriage counselor knows about your PTSD and how that may be impacting? Also, did your friend know about your PTSD? Sometimes I think that in this instance, yes she may not of done anything wrong per your message, it may not be the best person to introduce back into your life at this point in your marriage...... I can see why she took offense to your conversation however.... asking her to you. back off of your husband because you are having marriage issues and discuss how you manage your marriage differently,.... to me, it feels accusatory. Without giving her the "why" behind your insecurities and an apology as to how you reacted, then she will take offense to it for sure. Also, what did your daughter & husband mean she heard something ? Between whom?
 
What does promiscuous mean?
Not in the literal sense, but in the sense of how do you view it? As it's quite a loaded term.
One person's sense of promiscuity is another person's Sunday afternoon.

And if someone is 'promiscuous'' does that mean they are more likely to have an affair with their friend's husband than someone who 'isn't'?

(I may be getting upset with the word and bringing my own stuff into this)
Hey thanks for the reply. She had a threesome with one of her boyfriends. So I guess I'm meaning she and I are different and we always were with life boundaries. I liked all your questions. I hope I've helped answer. I believe her decision was based on it wasn't worth it to her because she knows she didn't do anything wrong that's basically what she said. There's nothing to argue. She didn't want to treat my family the way we need to be treated and I'm sorry if I'm awfully reminding you of something it doesn't mean I'm right. I open to anyone's response because this blew my mind.
 
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