LeiaFlower
Confident
If I'm being completely honest I want to spiral. I recently had a session with my therapist. I was somewhat quiet and uncomfortable due to a previous goal of starting to discuss my nightmares, so when this session came around I felt anxiety about having to relieve the vivid projections of fear that the dreams caused. I also started having anxiety attacks that I never had before and an influx of intrusive thoughts to self-harm to the point of suicide. All cued a disaster of emotions during my session. I brought up the later attacks and self-harm ideations. However, I didn't feel emotionally connected to the violent words I was saying about myself. Everything felt detached. Near the end of the session, I was feeling numb and disappointed in myself for not being able to bring up the other nightmares. I heard these loud noises outside the office door and suddenly I felt like I was in a nightmare. I was triggered into hypervigilance. My therapist kept saying she didn't think it was safe for me to leave; this caused more fear of incoming harm as well as made me question the reality that I was in. With my persistence to leave she called her supervisor which made matters worse. I felt like I was about to either be harmed, restrained, or sent to a mental hospital. Neither option was stated, of course, this was just my fear. I guess my main questions are; 'What do I do from here? How can I regain my trust in my therapist after she unknowingly triggered all these emotions? I'm also concerned that my therapist will refer me to someone else. When I stated my lack of trust this was a recommendation. However, if that's what happens I feel like it'll do more harm than good. I guess I'm wondering if seeing a trauma specialist is a better fit? Or would the change in therapist cause a relapse of abandonment issues?
After my session, I had another episode of hypervigilance, and currently, I'm in this current state of feeling emotionally exhausted. I'm missing school due to feeling apathetic; I have no motivation for school or work; I feel distant from my relationships; there's anxiety that my therapist will abandon me due to me being 'dramatic', and the suicidal ideations and the intrusive thoughts of self-harm are still here. And I genuinely want to engage in every destructive behavior I can think of to slowly ruin my life. I guess hoping it'll make it easier to give up. None of this I want to bring up with my therapist due to fear of her refusing to allow me to leave again and calling her supervisor.
After my session, I had another episode of hypervigilance, and currently, I'm in this current state of feeling emotionally exhausted. I'm missing school due to feeling apathetic; I have no motivation for school or work; I feel distant from my relationships; there's anxiety that my therapist will abandon me due to me being 'dramatic', and the suicidal ideations and the intrusive thoughts of self-harm are still here. And I genuinely want to engage in every destructive behavior I can think of to slowly ruin my life. I guess hoping it'll make it easier to give up. None of this I want to bring up with my therapist due to fear of her refusing to allow me to leave again and calling her supervisor.