Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
I had one date with a man. I seem to try dating about 3 times a year. The time is here. I’ve recovered more since last time: I’m feeling better about my sense of self, of agency, and of discernment, for the most part. I’m also feeling brave as I’m wanting to try having an intimate relationship.
Hence the date: and we had a nice time: and right before we parted he leaned in as if in a trance or re-enactment we were hooked in—he was, and I was participating. And there was a thrill. The last date, G, I don’t think we kissed.
But the me now, two weeks later, is miffed that we didn’t demand consent, and that maybe we should do it as soon as possible if we think there’s a chance that we are compatible—otherwise the current me says to just move on because we’ve already made a fatal flaw, by not speaking out body boundaries *ahead of time*. If I can ask T if I can give her a hug, then my date, whoever they are, can ask if they can kiss me, and vice versa: I think they need to be brave enough to do that: I’m making that rule now: I wonder how that will play out in my interactions with D?
When I first met EX we were going to go on a hike for our first date after initial contact, but I realized that wouldn’t be a good idea, too secluded. I had enough foresight for that. Yet still he quickly burrowed into me. Did I ever talk about my body boundaries with him? Of course not! The body was his, he rescued it from the dragon’s lair—I had no language about bodies, about self, about pleasure—only the other—I could do that—most people can’t handle that level of need for enmeshment, but of course it’s necessary for narcissists to survive—it is their emotional placenta—this need to bury myself in another who could encourage me to self-punish—that was how I was wired.
It really is amazing how a brain wired to abuse and accept abuse can push back, can re-organize. That is amazing.
So ex sniffed around and figured out that I would make a nice supply source and did the lovebombing. He said he always liked the girls who were in the corners at parties, the ones who cried were irresistible to him. It’s important for me to remember this perspective.
So the timing with the date is making me flash back to the red flags with ex that I should have seen. And not asking for consent is a big one. It sucks that I didn’t state it already, as I don’t like backing up, it’s uncomfortable. But I hope I can figure out a way to say, “I need you to ask for consent when you want your body to interact with my body.” But that sounds like a robot. Help?
Hence the date: and we had a nice time: and right before we parted he leaned in as if in a trance or re-enactment we were hooked in—he was, and I was participating. And there was a thrill. The last date, G, I don’t think we kissed.
But the me now, two weeks later, is miffed that we didn’t demand consent, and that maybe we should do it as soon as possible if we think there’s a chance that we are compatible—otherwise the current me says to just move on because we’ve already made a fatal flaw, by not speaking out body boundaries *ahead of time*. If I can ask T if I can give her a hug, then my date, whoever they are, can ask if they can kiss me, and vice versa: I think they need to be brave enough to do that: I’m making that rule now: I wonder how that will play out in my interactions with D?
When I first met EX we were going to go on a hike for our first date after initial contact, but I realized that wouldn’t be a good idea, too secluded. I had enough foresight for that. Yet still he quickly burrowed into me. Did I ever talk about my body boundaries with him? Of course not! The body was his, he rescued it from the dragon’s lair—I had no language about bodies, about self, about pleasure—only the other—I could do that—most people can’t handle that level of need for enmeshment, but of course it’s necessary for narcissists to survive—it is their emotional placenta—this need to bury myself in another who could encourage me to self-punish—that was how I was wired.
It really is amazing how a brain wired to abuse and accept abuse can push back, can re-organize. That is amazing.
So ex sniffed around and figured out that I would make a nice supply source and did the lovebombing. He said he always liked the girls who were in the corners at parties, the ones who cried were irresistible to him. It’s important for me to remember this perspective.
So the timing with the date is making me flash back to the red flags with ex that I should have seen. And not asking for consent is a big one. It sucks that I didn’t state it already, as I don’t like backing up, it’s uncomfortable. But I hope I can figure out a way to say, “I need you to ask for consent when you want your body to interact with my body.” But that sounds like a robot. Help?