tallandstatuesque
New Here
I just learnt realised I have severe PTSD where I regularly have tremors, flashbacks that cause me to disassociate for hours sometimes days, sometimes resulting in short term temporary psychosis.
Its very hard for my husband and son to watch me go through. He wants and tries to be supportive having to take time off work to look after our son during these episodes because sometimes I have to be hospitalized when they are severe and psychosis takes over.
When I disassociate get stuck in the time and place of the trauma. I become a different person. No empathy, a dark personality, vindictive, hateful, angry, on super high overly defensive, as well as deeply depressed, and scared. I get stuck in the past. I want to but can't pull out of it and be part of the present. I lose control of my responses, acting like I am in experiencing my past trauma. I push my son away literally, so he stumbles almost falling backwards, and I aggressively say get away from me, (because I am terrified, and I dont want to hurt him more than that) and my husband has to take over taking care of him during these episodes when my son asks for cuddles or wants to help me feel better because he can tell something is wrong, and I regret these actions afterwards, but I can't stop myself at the time, because I am so stuck in fight or flight trying to survive through the episode. Then the psychosis begins...
Along with new meds My trauma therapist wants me to practice and log my mindfulness sessions a few times every day.
She says I need to practice this to help myself prevent, or lesson these severe PTSD episodes.
I am struggling to do it as a stay at home mom, who does most of the housework, and cooking, with a 1 and a half year old.
I guess I can do a few minute sessions when my son naps, and after I put him down to sleep at night.
I can't imagine how I would find time for this with a newborn, while looking after my 1 and a half year old son.
But this is so important to me because I don't know how else I can help myself become better, and reduce my PTSD. I want to be my best healthiest self for my family.
EDIT ----> I started having my miscarriage of our 2nd This Saturday during one of these severe PTSD episodes. I don't know if the PTSD episode triggered the miscarriage. or the miscarriage and drop in hormones from said miscarriage triggered the PTSD episode as I am not 100% which one started first. I thought i might be miscarrying when the PTSD episode began. Either way I am heartbroken, and feel devastated that one of these severe PTSD incidents may have triggered the miscarriage. I remember before my dissasociation feeling terrified and thinking "I need to miscarry. I can't get through this" Next thing I knew I was miscarrying...
this is really hard, and feels scary.
Has anyone else here tried mindfulness and found it helpful?
I already do notice my thoughts and emotions as they come. I can tell my husband an episode is coming before it does so we have maybe an hour before it starts to really get badand about 4 hours before it fully blows out into psychosis. But nothing I think, say, or do in that hour before it really begins stops it from happening. Then I end up in the hospital in psychosis for 2 weeks. I try to control my thoughts, focus on the moment, meditate, focus on my 5 senses, think logically, and remind myself that it is ok to feel this way, I was ok then, and I will be ok now, in that hour before it really starts but in the end I always end up in the hospital with body tremors in psychosis. I don't understand how practicing more mindfulness will help? I need something logical realistic I can do in that first hour to prevent it from blowing out into full blown psychosis. But how am I supposed to do this? I cant just drop everything and focus on myself. I have a 1 and a half year old to look after too y'know? I can't just neglect him while I try and prevent a full blown episode. I don't understand how staying in the present using my 5 senses will help? I know what's real and what isn't during my psychosis. I can tell which thoughts are intrusive and not my own. I can feel the disconnect and change in my personality. No matter how hard I try to be in the moment using my 5 senses and logic I can't pull myself out of it. Do I need to use mindfulness somehow before the hour before it begins? to prevent the warning its going to happen so it never happens at all? That doesn't make sense. If I don't know its coming how can I use mindfulness to prevent it? Or do I not understand how the mindfulness is supposed to work, and am not doing or using it properly?
Its very hard for my husband and son to watch me go through. He wants and tries to be supportive having to take time off work to look after our son during these episodes because sometimes I have to be hospitalized when they are severe and psychosis takes over.
When I disassociate get stuck in the time and place of the trauma. I become a different person. No empathy, a dark personality, vindictive, hateful, angry, on super high overly defensive, as well as deeply depressed, and scared. I get stuck in the past. I want to but can't pull out of it and be part of the present. I lose control of my responses, acting like I am in experiencing my past trauma. I push my son away literally, so he stumbles almost falling backwards, and I aggressively say get away from me, (because I am terrified, and I dont want to hurt him more than that) and my husband has to take over taking care of him during these episodes when my son asks for cuddles or wants to help me feel better because he can tell something is wrong, and I regret these actions afterwards, but I can't stop myself at the time, because I am so stuck in fight or flight trying to survive through the episode. Then the psychosis begins...
Along with new meds My trauma therapist wants me to practice and log my mindfulness sessions a few times every day.
She says I need to practice this to help myself prevent, or lesson these severe PTSD episodes.
I am struggling to do it as a stay at home mom, who does most of the housework, and cooking, with a 1 and a half year old.
I guess I can do a few minute sessions when my son naps, and after I put him down to sleep at night.
I can't imagine how I would find time for this with a newborn, while looking after my 1 and a half year old son.
But this is so important to me because I don't know how else I can help myself become better, and reduce my PTSD. I want to be my best healthiest self for my family.
EDIT ----> I started having my miscarriage of our 2nd This Saturday during one of these severe PTSD episodes. I don't know if the PTSD episode triggered the miscarriage. or the miscarriage and drop in hormones from said miscarriage triggered the PTSD episode as I am not 100% which one started first. I thought i might be miscarrying when the PTSD episode began. Either way I am heartbroken, and feel devastated that one of these severe PTSD incidents may have triggered the miscarriage. I remember before my dissasociation feeling terrified and thinking "I need to miscarry. I can't get through this" Next thing I knew I was miscarrying...
this is really hard, and feels scary.
Has anyone else here tried mindfulness and found it helpful?
I already do notice my thoughts and emotions as they come. I can tell my husband an episode is coming before it does so we have maybe an hour before it starts to really get badand about 4 hours before it fully blows out into psychosis. But nothing I think, say, or do in that hour before it really begins stops it from happening. Then I end up in the hospital in psychosis for 2 weeks. I try to control my thoughts, focus on the moment, meditate, focus on my 5 senses, think logically, and remind myself that it is ok to feel this way, I was ok then, and I will be ok now, in that hour before it really starts but in the end I always end up in the hospital with body tremors in psychosis. I don't understand how practicing more mindfulness will help? I need something logical realistic I can do in that first hour to prevent it from blowing out into full blown psychosis. But how am I supposed to do this? I cant just drop everything and focus on myself. I have a 1 and a half year old to look after too y'know? I can't just neglect him while I try and prevent a full blown episode. I don't understand how staying in the present using my 5 senses will help? I know what's real and what isn't during my psychosis. I can tell which thoughts are intrusive and not my own. I can feel the disconnect and change in my personality. No matter how hard I try to be in the moment using my 5 senses and logic I can't pull myself out of it. Do I need to use mindfulness somehow before the hour before it begins? to prevent the warning its going to happen so it never happens at all? That doesn't make sense. If I don't know its coming how can I use mindfulness to prevent it? Or do I not understand how the mindfulness is supposed to work, and am not doing or using it properly?