WhereIsMyTribe
New Here
This is very difficult for me to post but I don’t know who else to talk to. I have been struggling with debt since college - I am 34 now. I find it so embarrassing. I haven’t told a single soul how much I actually owe. I’ve experienced dissociation since 2012 and ever since I’ve been wasting money on self help books, therapy and workshops that could potentially give me some peace and understanding of what I am going through. I feel like I am a child inside my body. The world around me doesn’t make sense. I can’t drive anymore becaue everything seems so chaotic. How do people drive? It’s a miracle to me. The moment I sit in the passenger seat I get this knot in my gut. Fearing that something bad is about to happen. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself so much for being weak. I have been binge eating. Gained over 100 pounds since college and honestly have nothing to show for my life.
I do however have a daughter. She is not 1 yet and it breaks my heart when I look into her eyes. She does not deserve someone like me as a mother. I lost my job during covid, got pregnant and haven’t been able to find a new job yet. I am looking for remote jobs. And I am not dumb I am smart. I have been one of the best employees regardless of where I’ve worked. Everyone thought I’d have a promising future. But now I feel like me not being here would be such a relief to the people around me. It feels like my life means nothing and yet people who talk to me tell me no one understands them better than me. People I used to tutor in college are successful professionals. I am a broke overweight mother with no career becaue I was looking to do something to help
Make a positive change in the society. I hate myself for being so naive. I hate myself for thinking my duty was to make a difference and not to take care of my basic necessities. It’s too late now. It’s been two days I have been contemplating about bankruptcy. I don’t know why I never thought about this before. But I have been contemplating and it’s scary. I don’t know if it makes sense I don’t know if it will ruin my life and my family’s life even further. I don’t own a house. Don’t own anything. I don’t know what I am looking for. I just wanted to tell someone how helpless and weak I feel. I just want to tell someone how angry and stupid I feel for always thinking that my healing was tied to another self help book it another workshop or this new therapist. I don’t want my child to pay for my mistakes. I wish I could just zoom out of this world so that my existence didn’t burden anyone anymore.
Have you experienced with something like this? Are there people like me? Have you filed bankruptcy? Please share your thoughts and recommendations.
I do however have a daughter. She is not 1 yet and it breaks my heart when I look into her eyes. She does not deserve someone like me as a mother. I lost my job during covid, got pregnant and haven’t been able to find a new job yet. I am looking for remote jobs. And I am not dumb I am smart. I have been one of the best employees regardless of where I’ve worked. Everyone thought I’d have a promising future. But now I feel like me not being here would be such a relief to the people around me. It feels like my life means nothing and yet people who talk to me tell me no one understands them better than me. People I used to tutor in college are successful professionals. I am a broke overweight mother with no career becaue I was looking to do something to help
Make a positive change in the society. I hate myself for being so naive. I hate myself for thinking my duty was to make a difference and not to take care of my basic necessities. It’s too late now. It’s been two days I have been contemplating about bankruptcy. I don’t know why I never thought about this before. But I have been contemplating and it’s scary. I don’t know if it makes sense I don’t know if it will ruin my life and my family’s life even further. I don’t own a house. Don’t own anything. I don’t know what I am looking for. I just wanted to tell someone how helpless and weak I feel. I just want to tell someone how angry and stupid I feel for always thinking that my healing was tied to another self help book it another workshop or this new therapist. I don’t want my child to pay for my mistakes. I wish I could just zoom out of this world so that my existence didn’t burden anyone anymore.
Have you experienced with something like this? Are there people like me? Have you filed bankruptcy? Please share your thoughts and recommendations.
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