clownshoeninja
New Here
Looking back, I’ve always had CPTSD I guess? I mean that, in review, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this. For long stretches of my life, I got to be really good at masking and most of my more problematic behaviors were explained with “being shy” or “snobbish”. But as I got older nothing really ever seemed to come together for me. Tried a lot of different jobs: soldier, nursing, engineering, corporate sales. I never failed at any of those, per se (in fact, I usually seemed to end up in some version of “in charge” before long), but I never felt like I was where I belonged and I still can’t imagine what I want to do “when I grow up” (I’ll be 55 this year).
I’ve always had a troubled relationship with my parents with some extended periods of no-contact. My dad also has PTSD, probably complex, and what I know of his childhood explains why. I struggle constantly with that. I feel empathy because his dad was a monster–a well known fact long before anyone started talking about trauma. I think he and my mom tried their best but they both inherited a truly shitty suite of parenting tools. My dad is so hurt and confused when I stop talking to him but he triggers me for days at a time. I’ve tried to explain it with as much compassion as I can but he can’t not take it personally (he doesn’t hear that he was a crippled parent out of the gate, he hears me telling him he’s a bad person). And he refuses to seek help or even believe that he can be helped. It makes me desperately sad and crazy angry.
So imagine my feelings, after years of swearing that I was going to be a better parent, only to realize that I was still making a lot of the same mistakes. I’ve managed to push my wife right to the brink of putting my shit on the lawn more than once. Last year my middle daughter cut me off again, taking my first granddaughter with her. I haven’t seen or heard anything from her in almost a year now and this is a grandchild with whom previously, I had seen and spent time with almost every day since she was born. And the cruelest bit of all: my wife’s husband has a severe ADHD (I have less severe ADD) and a childhood story that, knowing what I’ve learned about CPTSD, reads like a checklist for f*cking up your kid. In some ways we’re almost the same guy, twenty years apart. And he hates me. I struggle with this almost every day. I know I have some fault here and I’ve spend a lot of time really hurting myself over it. But it’s not all my fault, it just can’t be. The helplessness I feel to do anything about it is profound and brings me full circle back to my relationship with my dad.
I can go on and on but I’ll end with my other most significant relationship: I’m my autistic son’s primary caregiver and have been for a long time. I know that I can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for either of us in so many ways and as I get older, I need to be making sure that he has a good life without me and not one where he’s stuck in an institution cared for by people who don’t love him. But I don’t know who or what I am, if I’m not caring for him. I’ve been out of the traditional work force for so long I may as well be starting over and no one wants an entry level senior citizen.
Anyway, that’s me. Hi everyone.
I’ve always had a troubled relationship with my parents with some extended periods of no-contact. My dad also has PTSD, probably complex, and what I know of his childhood explains why. I struggle constantly with that. I feel empathy because his dad was a monster–a well known fact long before anyone started talking about trauma. I think he and my mom tried their best but they both inherited a truly shitty suite of parenting tools. My dad is so hurt and confused when I stop talking to him but he triggers me for days at a time. I’ve tried to explain it with as much compassion as I can but he can’t not take it personally (he doesn’t hear that he was a crippled parent out of the gate, he hears me telling him he’s a bad person). And he refuses to seek help or even believe that he can be helped. It makes me desperately sad and crazy angry.
So imagine my feelings, after years of swearing that I was going to be a better parent, only to realize that I was still making a lot of the same mistakes. I’ve managed to push my wife right to the brink of putting my shit on the lawn more than once. Last year my middle daughter cut me off again, taking my first granddaughter with her. I haven’t seen or heard anything from her in almost a year now and this is a grandchild with whom previously, I had seen and spent time with almost every day since she was born. And the cruelest bit of all: my wife’s husband has a severe ADHD (I have less severe ADD) and a childhood story that, knowing what I’ve learned about CPTSD, reads like a checklist for f*cking up your kid. In some ways we’re almost the same guy, twenty years apart. And he hates me. I struggle with this almost every day. I know I have some fault here and I’ve spend a lot of time really hurting myself over it. But it’s not all my fault, it just can’t be. The helplessness I feel to do anything about it is profound and brings me full circle back to my relationship with my dad.
I can go on and on but I’ll end with my other most significant relationship: I’m my autistic son’s primary caregiver and have been for a long time. I know that I can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for either of us in so many ways and as I get older, I need to be making sure that he has a good life without me and not one where he’s stuck in an institution cared for by people who don’t love him. But I don’t know who or what I am, if I’m not caring for him. I’ve been out of the traditional work force for so long I may as well be starting over and no one wants an entry level senior citizen.
Anyway, that’s me. Hi everyone.