Charbella
Sponsor
I’m afraid that if I continue therapy I will learn something I don’t want to. I‘ve been sexually abused by 5 people that I know of. Ages 8-17. I wouldn’t say I ever didn’t know or remember the abuse. The details were of course were in the farthest reaches of my mind, a place Id like them to stay if only they would.
In my 20s I went to therapy and went through the courts for one, I can say that was a mistake, he went to prison, died there last year but it didn’t let me out of mine and for several years really put me through hell. Therapy was not what I’d call a success. Dealing with the memories made things worse for a long while so I put them back in their box and went about my life In my 40s now.
Then he died and they came flooding back in. I’m in therapy now, dealing with it better but as events quite literally unfold I fear what I don’t know and may discover. For instance I had a sitter at 5 who I remember her forcing me to be naked outside, that’s it, but my brother said he abused him, and he’s never said anything. Then he brought up a different sitter from when I was 4 and how he loved her, I had a flash of being in the house with her husband and being totally uncomfortable. Could be for a myriad of reasons but something tells me it’s related.
I once tried self-hypnosis, I’d tried it a few times and found it odd that things worked, during it I had a flash of being touched by my step-dad (whom I love) but unlike the previous flash my mind did not go oh yeah, it went that didn’t happen, so why is it bugging me 20 years later?
im already having to face how family dynamics played a part in it all happening and honestly I’m Not a fan. Rewriting my history is painful, and I don’t want it to be true.
As I pick and prod at this black box in the depths of my mind what else will come out of it? I’ve already had a few times where I couldn’t remember something and then it was just there haunting me. I can remember about 20 episodes of abuse but given the frequency and length of time it was going on I know there’s more, more I hope didn’t make to long term storage, but more nonetheless. I have plenty to deal with in the 20, as more and more detail gets added every time I have a flashback, or the damn body memories that I could do without. Plus some of those have peeled apart into separate memories, like you think it happened once and then facts come to light that make the one memory not possible, then they lay open as separate and I was not a fan of that process to say the least.
SoI’m thinking about throwing in the towel on therapy and some days life.
In my 20s I went to therapy and went through the courts for one, I can say that was a mistake, he went to prison, died there last year but it didn’t let me out of mine and for several years really put me through hell. Therapy was not what I’d call a success. Dealing with the memories made things worse for a long while so I put them back in their box and went about my life In my 40s now.
Then he died and they came flooding back in. I’m in therapy now, dealing with it better but as events quite literally unfold I fear what I don’t know and may discover. For instance I had a sitter at 5 who I remember her forcing me to be naked outside, that’s it, but my brother said he abused him, and he’s never said anything. Then he brought up a different sitter from when I was 4 and how he loved her, I had a flash of being in the house with her husband and being totally uncomfortable. Could be for a myriad of reasons but something tells me it’s related.
I once tried self-hypnosis, I’d tried it a few times and found it odd that things worked, during it I had a flash of being touched by my step-dad (whom I love) but unlike the previous flash my mind did not go oh yeah, it went that didn’t happen, so why is it bugging me 20 years later?
im already having to face how family dynamics played a part in it all happening and honestly I’m Not a fan. Rewriting my history is painful, and I don’t want it to be true.
As I pick and prod at this black box in the depths of my mind what else will come out of it? I’ve already had a few times where I couldn’t remember something and then it was just there haunting me. I can remember about 20 episodes of abuse but given the frequency and length of time it was going on I know there’s more, more I hope didn’t make to long term storage, but more nonetheless. I have plenty to deal with in the 20, as more and more detail gets added every time I have a flashback, or the damn body memories that I could do without. Plus some of those have peeled apart into separate memories, like you think it happened once and then facts come to light that make the one memory not possible, then they lay open as separate and I was not a fan of that process to say the least.
SoI’m thinking about throwing in the towel on therapy and some days life.