SeatoMountains
New Here
Hi All,
New to this forum. I am a female in my 40s, been in a long dstance relationship with a male (40s) in another country who has PTSD from his time in the military 20 years ago.
We have not seen each other for 2 and a half years due to the borders being locked down from covid, now, finally, after all that stress and waiting, he FINALLY got his visa to come see me a month ago (for a short vacation, so we can decide which country to move to, he has not been to my country, I have to his many times)....but since he got his visa granted, he has gotten cold feet...and he ended our relationship yesterday.
We have waited sooooo long to see each other,and now that we finally can, the reality of it all came crashing down on him.....the enormity of moving to another country he doesnt know, I live in a big city, he lives in a small town, he has a cat, he has 1000+ books, all these things he is worried about.....he has a safe, quiet life with no stress where he is. Just the way he wanted, after all the horrors and stresses of war.
Of course the relationship has been stressful due to the external stressors, my border being locked down for 2 years, no end in sight to the pandemic, everything went wrong with him trying to get the visa, so many things went wrong, and finally he got it, now he isnt coming.
I understand the overwhelm he feels, its a big deal moving to another country, especially an unfamiliar one, and a big city. He gets nervous and jittery in his local supermarket that he knows, so how would he deal in an unknown place?
We love each other so very much, we are the love each others lives, this is beyond heartbreaking. We have made plans, talked about our future for almost three years....he said he always tries to stay in the present and not think of the future (which i have read on here is common for people with PTSD?) so he does not stress, i guess, but now that he CAN come here, he started thinking about all the logistics, how risky it was to come here, how because we are both SO stressed all the time, he doesnt want to sign up for a life of stress (and yes i have been very stressed, because i have not been able to see him for so long, and the months went on and on....)...I think the reality of everything we need to go through is too much (we also have to get a partner visa after he has a vacation here, so that can take a year + and he figures that will be another year of waiting and intense stress....we cannot sustain this level of stress anymore....
Most couples would have broken up long ago, long distance is not easy, throw in a pandemic and total uncertainty....but we made it, we still love each other, but now, all this stress, we are both running on empty, my nervous system has not relaxed in forever, i know we both need downtime, space.....but to think he ended it when i have waited almost three years to see him, and now he can come, and isnt.....
He is the love of my life.....I am so lost right now
I would so appreciate any advice, insight from those with PTSD or those partners that have dealt with this kind of thing......much love to you all
New to this forum. I am a female in my 40s, been in a long dstance relationship with a male (40s) in another country who has PTSD from his time in the military 20 years ago.
We have not seen each other for 2 and a half years due to the borders being locked down from covid, now, finally, after all that stress and waiting, he FINALLY got his visa to come see me a month ago (for a short vacation, so we can decide which country to move to, he has not been to my country, I have to his many times)....but since he got his visa granted, he has gotten cold feet...and he ended our relationship yesterday.
We have waited sooooo long to see each other,and now that we finally can, the reality of it all came crashing down on him.....the enormity of moving to another country he doesnt know, I live in a big city, he lives in a small town, he has a cat, he has 1000+ books, all these things he is worried about.....he has a safe, quiet life with no stress where he is. Just the way he wanted, after all the horrors and stresses of war.
Of course the relationship has been stressful due to the external stressors, my border being locked down for 2 years, no end in sight to the pandemic, everything went wrong with him trying to get the visa, so many things went wrong, and finally he got it, now he isnt coming.
I understand the overwhelm he feels, its a big deal moving to another country, especially an unfamiliar one, and a big city. He gets nervous and jittery in his local supermarket that he knows, so how would he deal in an unknown place?
We love each other so very much, we are the love each others lives, this is beyond heartbreaking. We have made plans, talked about our future for almost three years....he said he always tries to stay in the present and not think of the future (which i have read on here is common for people with PTSD?) so he does not stress, i guess, but now that he CAN come here, he started thinking about all the logistics, how risky it was to come here, how because we are both SO stressed all the time, he doesnt want to sign up for a life of stress (and yes i have been very stressed, because i have not been able to see him for so long, and the months went on and on....)...I think the reality of everything we need to go through is too much (we also have to get a partner visa after he has a vacation here, so that can take a year + and he figures that will be another year of waiting and intense stress....we cannot sustain this level of stress anymore....
Most couples would have broken up long ago, long distance is not easy, throw in a pandemic and total uncertainty....but we made it, we still love each other, but now, all this stress, we are both running on empty, my nervous system has not relaxed in forever, i know we both need downtime, space.....but to think he ended it when i have waited almost three years to see him, and now he can come, and isnt.....
He is the love of my life.....I am so lost right now
I would so appreciate any advice, insight from those with PTSD or those partners that have dealt with this kind of thing......much love to you all