Hi, first time posting.
I just need some support from people who are going through similar challenges...
My story:
Been with my partner for 17 years. She has finally been diagnosed with CPTSD from prolonged workplace bullying from ~20 years ago. We had been asking for help for years but kept getting fobbed off. (UK, so NHS) Finally seeing a psychologist and seemingly going to get proper trauma-tailored treatment (only been seeing them 1 month so far). Which is fantastic, because all these years it's just been me and her trying to cope.
Partner's symptoms have been getting worse since the start of the pandemic. She is no longer working (was self employed but now covid means what she was doing is no longer viable). I work full time. I also do 100% of housework/shopping etc due to her having physical issues too and also because her coping strategy is to totally hide from everything; so she doesn't "see" when things need to be done. We don't qualify for any assistance as I earn too much, but I stress that I earn less than the UK average wage and when you split that between 2 people and a cat it doesn't go far.
About maybe 5% of the time she will be her old self, but she is mostly either totally withdrawn (playing PlayStation or on the computer) or she is in a highly triggered state. Anything can trigger her; e.g. I once used a common figure of speech that one of her perpetrators used and she got so angry and violent (only towards herself, not me, but it's still scary). The other week we had a small disagreement about something which spiralled when though i removed myself from the situation until I heard a smashing noise and found her trying to slit her wrists with a broken shard of ceramic.
Because of these extreme reactions I try very hard not to show any annoyance or that I am ever upset. But then I get accused of being emotionally distant myself. Family and friends don't understand when it tell them she is unwell, they just say "oh, sorry to hear that" and they think she is being lazy by not working.
Two weeks ago her mum died unexpectedly, and she lived 6 hour's drive away. Today is the funeral. Yesterday we tried to go down... I booked a hotel, we got our clothes packed, booked holiday from work...but after 2 hours of driving we had to turn around and come home. Because every single little thing that "went wrong" (e.g taking a wrong turn/roadworks/the sun is too bright/feeling car sick/crap sandwiches for lunch) meant she just totally spiralled and was an incoherent sobbing wreck after 2 hours.
I am starting to get really irritable... (well I am perimenopausal too!) And I am starting to have terrible thoughts that I would never act on but they are distressing. I don't know whether just to power on through... but I'm starting to suddenly cry at times; and I can't do that because if my partner sees I am at all upset she blames herself and the talk quickly turns to suicide as "you would be better off without me, I'm ruining your life"
She has no one in her life but me. No friends and isn't close to family now both parents are dead.
I don't know what I'm asking this forum, but thank you for reading. Just needed to share.
I just need some support from people who are going through similar challenges...
My story:
Been with my partner for 17 years. She has finally been diagnosed with CPTSD from prolonged workplace bullying from ~20 years ago. We had been asking for help for years but kept getting fobbed off. (UK, so NHS) Finally seeing a psychologist and seemingly going to get proper trauma-tailored treatment (only been seeing them 1 month so far). Which is fantastic, because all these years it's just been me and her trying to cope.
Partner's symptoms have been getting worse since the start of the pandemic. She is no longer working (was self employed but now covid means what she was doing is no longer viable). I work full time. I also do 100% of housework/shopping etc due to her having physical issues too and also because her coping strategy is to totally hide from everything; so she doesn't "see" when things need to be done. We don't qualify for any assistance as I earn too much, but I stress that I earn less than the UK average wage and when you split that between 2 people and a cat it doesn't go far.
About maybe 5% of the time she will be her old self, but she is mostly either totally withdrawn (playing PlayStation or on the computer) or she is in a highly triggered state. Anything can trigger her; e.g. I once used a common figure of speech that one of her perpetrators used and she got so angry and violent (only towards herself, not me, but it's still scary). The other week we had a small disagreement about something which spiralled when though i removed myself from the situation until I heard a smashing noise and found her trying to slit her wrists with a broken shard of ceramic.
Because of these extreme reactions I try very hard not to show any annoyance or that I am ever upset. But then I get accused of being emotionally distant myself. Family and friends don't understand when it tell them she is unwell, they just say "oh, sorry to hear that" and they think she is being lazy by not working.
Two weeks ago her mum died unexpectedly, and she lived 6 hour's drive away. Today is the funeral. Yesterday we tried to go down... I booked a hotel, we got our clothes packed, booked holiday from work...but after 2 hours of driving we had to turn around and come home. Because every single little thing that "went wrong" (e.g taking a wrong turn/roadworks/the sun is too bright/feeling car sick/crap sandwiches for lunch) meant she just totally spiralled and was an incoherent sobbing wreck after 2 hours.
I am starting to get really irritable... (well I am perimenopausal too!) And I am starting to have terrible thoughts that I would never act on but they are distressing. I don't know whether just to power on through... but I'm starting to suddenly cry at times; and I can't do that because if my partner sees I am at all upset she blames herself and the talk quickly turns to suicide as "you would be better off without me, I'm ruining your life"
She has no one in her life but me. No friends and isn't close to family now both parents are dead.
I don't know what I'm asking this forum, but thank you for reading. Just needed to share.