LeiaFlower
Confident
I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. In a broad sense, I'm drained, I feel emotionally alone, and I feel crazy as if I'm a burden to those around me. I feel abandoned by my friend. We both were struggling mentally and trying to get our life together. Now she's happier and found someone else that makes her feel more safer and happier than I ever could. Leaving me alone wishing that if she'd hurt me like the groomer; if the relationship was toxic, then she wouldn't leave me. But I can't make her hurt me nor can I bring myself to create a toxic relationship because I want her to be happy. So I'm stuck feeling disgusted with myself and hating how much I miss how it used to be. My friend's only advice is "You need to learn how to be happy being alone." This hurts when I am constantly being abandoned and it feels like she's abandoning me. It makes me feel like I'm defective like I'm the reason she's leaving. I feel isolated and a burden for wanting more. I feel gross every time I ask her for physical affection to feel safer. However, each time she denies it stating she wants to be by herself. I just feel so alone. I feel that no one in my current life understands me or even wants to. I feel forgotten and easily replaceable.
I tried Bumble to make more friends so I no longer rely solely on her but no one was really active; I tried support groups but they either were full or no longer active; I tried going out by myself more but it made me feel more alone.
I wish I could stop existing. I wish I wasn't alive to deal with this. So I wouldn't have to feel this. I wish I could die. I want to.
I tried Bumble to make more friends so I no longer rely solely on her but no one was really active; I tried support groups but they either were full or no longer active; I tried going out by myself more but it made me feel more alone.
I wish I could stop existing. I wish I wasn't alive to deal with this. So I wouldn't have to feel this. I wish I could die. I want to.