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Relationship New to the forum. Looking for advice for supporting my partner

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Nemesis92

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Hi

We are a same-sex couple and my partner was diagnosed with CPTSD. She has autism, depression and anxiety, and probably undiagnosed OCD too.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD myself so face my own challenges. A lot of times in our relationship when she is triggered I forget to do certain things to help her calm in the moment. It is apparent that I get impatient and choose to do the wrong things.

For example, the other day she had a huge melt down. We had been out drinking and on the way home she got really triggered because we couldn’t get a taxi home. She had a public meltdown and police dropped us home. After a couple of hours of her being on the floor at home crying in full force, I tried to see if I could get her to move to her bed so she’d at least be on a more comfortable surface. I tried to help her up but she couldn’t move.
Moving her didn’t happen and my impatience kicked in and I become frustrated and verbally made it known - saying I was fed up of this. I really regret it and I apologised, I had been drinking and let my frustrations out verbally.

She seems pretty much fed up of me now. I know I was very wrong on that occasion but nothing I ever seem to do is right, not just this occasion.

I make the wrong decisions when’s she’s upset and she feels I don’t listen to her. Personally I feel like I get conflicting messages and then I panic and don’t know what to do.
One moment she tells me she wants me to just grab her and hold her hand and then the next she doesn’t want to be touched.
I feel like I get put down when I choose the wrong thing to do.

Is this normal when supporting a partner with CPTSD? Are there ways I can help manage this to make sure I remember to do the right thing in the right scenario?

We both love each other and want to be together but we are going through a rough patch and I want to do what I can to not make things worse.

Thanks for reading
 
Hi

We are a same-sex couple and my partner was diagnosed with CPTSD. She has autism, depression and anxiety, and probably undiagnosed OCD too.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD myself so face my own challenges. A lot of times in our relationship when she is triggered I forget to do certain things to help her calm in the moment. It is apparent that I get impatient and choose to do the wrong things.

For example, the other day she had a huge melt down. We had been out drinking and on the way home she got really triggered because we couldn’t get a taxi home. She had a public meltdown and police dropped us home. After a couple of hours of her being on the floor at home crying in full force, I tried to see if I could get her to move to her bed so she’d at least be on a more comfortable surface. I tried to help her up but she couldn’t move.
Moving her didn’t happen and my impatience kicked in and I become frustrated and verbally made it known - saying I was fed up of this. I really regret it and I apologised, I had been drinking and let my frustrations out verbally.

She seems pretty much fed up of me now. I know I was very wrong on that occasion but nothing I ever seem to do is right, not just this occasion.

I make the wrong decisions when’s she’s upset and she feels I don’t listen to her. Personally I feel like I get conflicting messages and then I panic and don’t know what to do.
One moment she tells me she wants me to just grab her and hold her hand and then the next she doesn’t want to be touched.
I feel like I get put down when I choose the wrong thing to do.

Is this normal when supporting a partner with CPTSD? Are there ways I can help manage this to make sure I remember to do the right thing in the right scenario?

We both love each other and want to be together but we are going through a rough patch and I want to do what I can to not make things worse.

Thanks for reading
I’ve been dealing with my spouse who has been ptsd symptomatic for months. There’s good days and bad days. Don’t try to force a conversation that will backfire on you. I try to remember that my spouse had been through an trauma that was so unbearable her brain’s natural defense system was altered to protect her. It’s going to hurt, and you are going to go two steps forward one day, and three steps back the next. I’m finding out that just being patient, supportive, and empathetic is the only thing I can do.
 
hello nemesis. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i am both sufferer and supporter. as a supporter, i treat self-care and self-awareness as the most important elements in the equation. when i am drowning in my personal dysfunctions, the odds are mighty high that i can't help myself, much less anyone else. it's time to let go and let god. that is not to care less. it is to care enough to be certain the person i am supporting is getting the best care available. once i accomplish my own symptom relief, i am in a far better position to pass it on.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you. you are not alone
welcome aboard.
 
I wish I had some great advice... but I have not dealt with all this with a partner.

What I do when I feel I am getting overwhelmed is any number of things... I get out of the situation to go to a private place, I use breathing techniques.

I realize what I handle nowadays may not be on all fours to what your partner is experiencing... I guess my point is she should have her own techniques to use and yes, within that framework, you can and will be an excellent supporting partner. Of course, it takes some trial and error so do not give up.

Hope this is helpful and you can guys can have some peaceful time together. :)
 
I’ve been dealing with my spouse who has been ptsd symptomatic for months. There’s good days and bad days. Don’t try to force a conversation that will backfire on you. I try to remember that my spouse had been through an trauma that was so unbearable her brain’s natural defense system was altered to protect her. It’s going to hurt, and you are going to go two steps forward one day, and three steps back the next. I’m finding out that just being patient, supportive, and empathetic is the only thing I can do.
Thank you, I am glad I have found this forum too where I can confide in others who are in the same boat
 
but nothing I ever seem to do is right, not just this occasion.
Yep. Being the “Designated Asshole” is my least favorite thing about loving others with PTSD.

I actually mean ‘favourite’ in a non-sarcastic sense.

In a romantic relationship? That means we’re done. Full stop. Mad respect for supporters who can ride that ride, because I simply do not play. I have zero problem with momentary physical violence, until they realize who I am & when/where they are. But the pervasive, acid-dripping, aspect of thinking/feeling me as not-me? Gets zero play. In a romantic relationship.

Traumatized KIDS I suck it up. Not being me. Not being real. Just being a safeish target for their anger. And paranoia. And mixing up past/present until there’s no distinction between the two.

Traumatized adults can go f*ck themselves. Or someone else. Shrug. Either or. But no matter what? It’s not gonna be me.
 
Yeah, unfortunately this is not a result of your behavior and there is not really a ton you can do to mitigate this. Either you have to accept that this is the way she is, or move on from the relationship. Friday said it perfectly in my opinion. This is a pervasive relational perception on her part, that she has to address.
 
You are not responsible for managing her mental health. The sad thing is *everything* you do will be “wrong” when she’s in a state.

You are not triggering her, she is being triggered. It’s happening in her head.

You are not in charge of managing her stress reactions or triggered behavior.
But I should be supporting her and doing my best to make her feel safe. Currently my actions just make things worse - and I don’t think it’s fully a her thing or fully a me thing that’s making it the case, I think it is both of us. I was wondering if there are ways to at least mitigate the mistakes I make, aside from trying to listen to what she needs in times of being triggered.
I guess I’m looking for helps with the specifics… what do you say to someone who is inconsolable in the moment?
 
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