sleeveheart
Learning
So yesterday, a person who I thought I was going to be friends with for a good chunk of time sort of ended the friendship.
She's a person with a similar history like me and we bonded over shared interests. We met at a hobby we liked.
I could have figured out that this person wasn't ready for a friendship that I wanted (close, intimate, supportive), when she would decline when I would ask to hang out. I didn't reach out for months, until a mutual suggested that she did think of me as a friend. I reached out to vent about something I was going through (work related), and seemed to hit it off then.
When it came to doing something related to work or business, she was happy to tag along. But when it came to just getting to know each other as people, she didn't want it, despite our similar histories. I should have gotten a clue (still working on this inner critic).
Anyways, recently a family member passed away and I was feeling distraught. I have a dysfunctional family and I didn't want to go to the funeral alone, so I asked if she would come with me. She had a doctors appointment that she couldn't cancel. While I was disappointed, I managed to ask another friend. But it definitely, in my mind, put her down a peg for friendship. To me, her response also seemed cold, she didn't apologize or express that she wished she would have been there for me, or that she's there to support me in other ways. She just wrote a text that started with the corporate "Unfortunately". There was no "sorry" or "apology". I guess there was no apology to be had, since she had every right to decline.
She texted me asking how I was doing after the funeral, and I replied about my mixed feelings. She didn't respond to that text. Instead, she texted the next day asking how I'm feeling. In her last text, from her perspective, she was giving me time to process my feelings. I think this was a difference in doing relationship, which we're not similar on. (More on that later).
In her last text asking me how I'm doing, I replied that I'm doing okay, how are you. She said, "I am doing okay."
She didn't seem to notice that there was a conflict happening (at least inside of me), so I replied with a paragraph text explaining how I felt (my disappointment in her not showing up, how I felt like she was a coworker rather than a friend when she replied that she couldn't come, but ultimately how I found someone to come with me, her emotional unavailability that I felt from the beginning) That I wanted to perhaps keep our conversations to our interests as I don't feel safe talking about my emotions with her.
She got defensive, saying that she was blindsided by my response, and that I wasn't being honest because I didn't tell her I was feeling this all along. She went on to explain that she had a doctor's appointment she could not reschedule due to scheduling a month ago. She ended with the words "All the best" at the end in true fashion.
I can feel myself getting upset as I relay this issue. On one hand, I see that it may have blindsided her (inner critic who gets codependent, telling me I ALWAYS make these mistakes and expect too much from others) and on the other, I can see that maybe she wasn't the friend I needed her to be For Me and my assessment was correct. Her defensiveness stung, to be honest. What I wanted and expected was, through my sharing, for her to share how she truly felt (honestly, I'm really upset about your text. I think it's unfair to me. I had good reason to be not present, and at the same time, I'm sorry that I couldn't be there.). I think all I wanted to hear was an apology from her and for her to express her genuine support. (which I never got from my parents).
As I'm writing this, I can see that my codependence has lessened quite a bit. Yesterday, when this happened, I was able to prioritize self care rather than obsessing over mending this friendship, understanding that she isn't the friend I need her to be, and while grieved about it, I can be honest about it with my inner child.
There were also hints of emotional unavailability/avoidant relationship style, which were obvious at the beginning. Looking back, the possibility of a friendship was so promising I was willing to try. I think the possibility of friendship was also the neglected side of me always looking for support (especially because a family member died, which is no small event). Luckily, I was strengthened by the friend who came with me to the wake (turns out was a very good choice and was able to support me really well). And due to my self care, I was able to stay within my window of tolerance.
She also very much felt like my ex, who, was doing the job of texting me and asking how I was doing, going through the motions, but when it came time for emotional closeness, was not able to or comfortable with it. He too got defensive. He too was unable to give me what I needed. I am able to detect it faster now.
Ultimately, I came to realize that my needs in friendship and relationship are different from that friend. I like emotional depth and sharing. I like closeness and intimacy. I like deep connection. And that is perfectly okay. I am not too much. I can negotiate these terms and sometimes I won't get what I want, and that is okay too.
The biggest win for me here was that I didn't spend the next last two days in utter agony with my inner critic ripping me to shreds. I was able to stay within my window of tolerance and get what I set out to do done without too much dissociation or physical pain.
Just wanted to share. Thank you.
She's a person with a similar history like me and we bonded over shared interests. We met at a hobby we liked.
I could have figured out that this person wasn't ready for a friendship that I wanted (close, intimate, supportive), when she would decline when I would ask to hang out. I didn't reach out for months, until a mutual suggested that she did think of me as a friend. I reached out to vent about something I was going through (work related), and seemed to hit it off then.
When it came to doing something related to work or business, she was happy to tag along. But when it came to just getting to know each other as people, she didn't want it, despite our similar histories. I should have gotten a clue (still working on this inner critic).
Anyways, recently a family member passed away and I was feeling distraught. I have a dysfunctional family and I didn't want to go to the funeral alone, so I asked if she would come with me. She had a doctors appointment that she couldn't cancel. While I was disappointed, I managed to ask another friend. But it definitely, in my mind, put her down a peg for friendship. To me, her response also seemed cold, she didn't apologize or express that she wished she would have been there for me, or that she's there to support me in other ways. She just wrote a text that started with the corporate "Unfortunately". There was no "sorry" or "apology". I guess there was no apology to be had, since she had every right to decline.
She texted me asking how I was doing after the funeral, and I replied about my mixed feelings. She didn't respond to that text. Instead, she texted the next day asking how I'm feeling. In her last text, from her perspective, she was giving me time to process my feelings. I think this was a difference in doing relationship, which we're not similar on. (More on that later).
In her last text asking me how I'm doing, I replied that I'm doing okay, how are you. She said, "I am doing okay."
She didn't seem to notice that there was a conflict happening (at least inside of me), so I replied with a paragraph text explaining how I felt (my disappointment in her not showing up, how I felt like she was a coworker rather than a friend when she replied that she couldn't come, but ultimately how I found someone to come with me, her emotional unavailability that I felt from the beginning) That I wanted to perhaps keep our conversations to our interests as I don't feel safe talking about my emotions with her.
She got defensive, saying that she was blindsided by my response, and that I wasn't being honest because I didn't tell her I was feeling this all along. She went on to explain that she had a doctor's appointment she could not reschedule due to scheduling a month ago. She ended with the words "All the best" at the end in true fashion.
I can feel myself getting upset as I relay this issue. On one hand, I see that it may have blindsided her (inner critic who gets codependent, telling me I ALWAYS make these mistakes and expect too much from others) and on the other, I can see that maybe she wasn't the friend I needed her to be For Me and my assessment was correct. Her defensiveness stung, to be honest. What I wanted and expected was, through my sharing, for her to share how she truly felt (honestly, I'm really upset about your text. I think it's unfair to me. I had good reason to be not present, and at the same time, I'm sorry that I couldn't be there.). I think all I wanted to hear was an apology from her and for her to express her genuine support. (which I never got from my parents).
As I'm writing this, I can see that my codependence has lessened quite a bit. Yesterday, when this happened, I was able to prioritize self care rather than obsessing over mending this friendship, understanding that she isn't the friend I need her to be, and while grieved about it, I can be honest about it with my inner child.
There were also hints of emotional unavailability/avoidant relationship style, which were obvious at the beginning. Looking back, the possibility of a friendship was so promising I was willing to try. I think the possibility of friendship was also the neglected side of me always looking for support (especially because a family member died, which is no small event). Luckily, I was strengthened by the friend who came with me to the wake (turns out was a very good choice and was able to support me really well). And due to my self care, I was able to stay within my window of tolerance.
She also very much felt like my ex, who, was doing the job of texting me and asking how I was doing, going through the motions, but when it came time for emotional closeness, was not able to or comfortable with it. He too got defensive. He too was unable to give me what I needed. I am able to detect it faster now.
Ultimately, I came to realize that my needs in friendship and relationship are different from that friend. I like emotional depth and sharing. I like closeness and intimacy. I like deep connection. And that is perfectly okay. I am not too much. I can negotiate these terms and sometimes I won't get what I want, and that is okay too.
The biggest win for me here was that I didn't spend the next last two days in utter agony with my inner critic ripping me to shreds. I was able to stay within my window of tolerance and get what I set out to do done without too much dissociation or physical pain.
Just wanted to share. Thank you.